


Emotional Self-Control

by DepressedCarrot



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: 21st birthday party, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Birthday, Birthday Party, Depression, F/M, Family Issues, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Party, Roadtrip, Romance, Struggling, Therapy, mental health, travelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 59,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23806993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DepressedCarrot/pseuds/DepressedCarrot
Summary: Steven has been travelling across the country for over two years, attempting to discover the human side of himself.Unfortunately, being human wasn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.Unsure of where his place is in the world and too embarrassed to return home, he decides to continue travelling to avoid facing his mental health. After months of restless sleep, he desperately wants to go home, but there’s one thing stopping him in his tracks - anxiety.It’s Steven’s 21st birthday and he has no choice but to reluctantly face his fears and head back home. How long will Steven last before he spills the truth on his travels?
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Comments: 46
Kudos: 222
Collections: Steven Universe Completed Recommended Reads





	1. Dirt Roads & Depression

**Author's Note:**

> This story is dedicated to anyone who has ever had irrational anxious thoughts. Y'know the ones that you know are so wildly illogical and yet you can't stop thinking about them? Yeah, them ones. Hang on in there. 
> 
> My Tumblr is ConnverseTheUniverse and you can find everything regarding the updates to this story there!  
> https://connversetheuniverse.tumblr.com/

Steven unlocked his phone and stared at the screen for a few seconds before resting it on his chest. He looked up at the worn fabric on the roof of his car, the same sight he had woken up to every morning the past few years. He had never truly gotten used to it.

6:25 am. 

Five more minutes and Connie would be walking from her dorm room to the library to get some morning studies in before class. Steven would always call at this time and Connie regularly took the scenic route to the library so their conversations could be slightly longer. It was the routine that they had set in place and one that they strictly kept to. 

There wasn’t much inside the car, but Steven had made it his home. He had grown up inside of a van for the vast majority of his life so downgrading to the back of his car wasn’t too much hassle. He did, however, wish he had somewhere to stay with a little more legroom. The self-inflating mattress he bought was nowhere near as comfortable as his bed at home - but everything was considered an adventure. 

6:26 am. 

Steven glanced at his phone once more, time seemed to pass so slowly on his travels and yet every day seemed to merge into the last. Steven had not returned to Beach City in over six months and yet it felt like an eternity - especially when Pearl sent him a selection of both happy and sad emojis at least twice a day.

He had been on the road for over two years and the sights he had seen were fantastic. Nothing could compare to everything that he had experienced over his time travelling. Not even space. 

When he had first started travelling he visited the Gems on a somewhat regular basis. He had even occasionally bumped into Sadie and the Suspects on his drive and stayed for some shows, along with spending time with his father who was touring with them. However, as time passed the gaps between going to visit his family grew longer and longer. 

6:27 am.

Steven sat up and stretched out the best he could inside the small car. He clambered across to the back door, making sure to hold tightly onto his phone. The door opened as Steven narrowly avoided bumping his head - something that he had not always been successful with. 

6:28 am.

It was around this time that Connie would also be checking her phone, eagerly awaiting to call Steven. Connie was always excited to hear what Steven was doing on his adventures across the country, but it always seemed as if Steven was more interested in the mundane everyday tasks that Connie was completing. 

Steven reached into the front of the car to grab his flip flops that were sat upside down next to his newly purchased hiking boots. After careful consideration and Connie’s input on the conversation, he had decided to cave and get some more ‘practical’ footwear. In Steven’s defence, all of his adventures had been completed in flip flops and he didn’t see an issue in continuing that trend. However, after Connie had carefully outlined the dangers of driving in unsuitable footwear after reading a strongly worded article on the matter he had taken the dive. 

6:29 am. 

Steven threw his flip flops on the floor before stepping into them carefully. He held his phone to his chest and stood up straight, taking a deep breath in and appreciating the peace surrounding him. 

His therapist had taught him a lot whilst on the road and getting away from everyday gem life had been a pleasure. Sure, he missed it deeply - but when the only threat was spiders and running out of gas, Steven was doing a lot better...for the most part. He liked to think that he was in a better place than he was a few years ago just before he left, but that would have been a lie. 

That didn’t mean that being on the road didn’t come with its very own anxieties. Anxieties that he had never experienced before and ones that even his therapist’s advice couldn’t control. The type of anxieties that he desperately wanted to rid himself of, but couldn't seem to shake. Sure, the first year or so on the road had been incredibly useful, but as the days went by Steven's mental health began a slow decline into a wallowing pit of self-deprivation. 

Steven’s therapist had taught him a lot surrounding his breathing to help stabilise himself during a panic attack which he believed he had been experiencing in the past - at least the gem equivalent. 

Meditation and breathing exercises had become an everyday part of life for Steven and he thoroughly enjoyed it. He frequently used these techniques to prevent himself from glowing pink, but it didn't stop the awful thoughts from rushing through his mind. 

There was a slight breeze, Steven had parked in what seemed to be the middle of nowhere. He was certain that he was in Texas somewhere but other than briefly looking at a map every couple of days, he didn’t exactly pay much attention to any of the road signs. He was finally living the childhood dream of becoming a ‘No Home Boy’ but in search of a home that he could call his own. 

6:30 am.

Steven took another deep breath of fresh air, the landscape around him was beautiful. Everything was beautiful. Everything was calm. Everything was...

RING

Steven nearly threw his phone on the floor from shock, violently fumbling out of the peaceful space to answer the phone call. He grasped onto the phone as tightly as possible before sliding the green button across the screen filled by a picture of both Connie and Steven the last time they were together. 

“Connie!” Steven coughed as he bought the phone to his ear. 

“Steven? Are you okay?” Connie gasped with concern.

“Y-yeah, I just nearly dropped my phone. I haven’t been up long, still a little spacey.” Steven chuckled as he began to pace the length of the car. 

“I wish I could say the same! I woke up at 4 am this morning, I need to make sure that I get ahead as much as possible if I’m going to be missing this weekend.” 

Despite it being the summer, Connie had spent most of her summer still on campus. She was beyond dedicated to her studies. There was a point in which Steven did attempt to convince her to come on the road with him for a while, although despite Connie wanting to go, her dedication to her education, unfortunately, overruled the opportunity for a road trip of her lifetime. Connie had promised that once she had graduated she would be more than happy to take a gap year to travel the world with Steven before starting a prestigious career. 

Steven no longer argued against his biggest downfall - studying. He would never win and understood how important it was to Connie, despite not quite understanding what it was that Connie was studying.

“If you’re too busy, it’s okay - y’know I don’t mind. I understand if you’ve got too much work.” 

“Steven! I’m not going to miss your 21st birthday. We’ve been planning this since last year and well...I haven’t seen you in months.” Connie sighed sadly, reminding Steven of the regret he felt so deeply buried inside.

“I can’t wait to see you.” Steven smiled, knowing for well that the reason they hadn’t seen each other was entirely his fault. He hadn’t been in the mental headspace to consider going back to see everyone, let alone continue his travels to the same extent as he previously been.

He had spent the past two months in the same state, hiding from himself and everyone else in his life. He had hit the road to find something in himself and although it had started out well, he had done a full circle mentally. Now, he was too afraid to go home. 

“Are you still picking me up on Friday? 10 am?” 

“Of course! I bet you can’t wait to see my devilishly handsome road trip stubble.” Steven scratched the short stubble on the side of his face, smiling at his comments. He was pretty impressed with the unimpressive ‘beard’ he had managed to grow. 

“You’re right - I can’t wait.” Connie chuckled. “Oh, I nearly forgot to ask - how did the volunteering go yesterday?” She questioned, the sound of wind could be heard through the microphone as she picked up her pace to the library.

“Volunteering? Yeah! Yesterday evening I was helping out at the soup kitchen in a nearby town. I met some really great characters there and nobody went hungry. It felt good to be involved in something helpful.” Steven sighed heavily, running his fingers through his thick curly hair. 

Steven had been told by his therapist to somewhat selfishly make his trip about himself. He needed some time to focus on himself rather than someone else, but with Steven being Steven it meant that in nearly every town that he stopped in he found some sort of volunteer work to do. He felt as if he still had somewhat of a duty to do some good in the world, unfortunately, no matter how much he tried he couldn’t be selfish with his time. 

“That’s amazing, I’m sure they all really appreciated your help. I’m so proud of you, Steven. Everything you’ve done and everything you’ve seen over the past couple of years has been amazing! You should be proud of yourself too.” Connie spoke with confidence in her words. Steven could practically hear her smiling. 

Steven half-smiled at the floor. He had heard similar words from Connie countless times in the past and every time they ignited something within him. Despite being on the road for such a long period of time, he still felt as if a huge part of himself was missing. That part was all of the people that he had left behind. 

It had been six months since he had returned to Beach City and things were bound to be different. The longer he left it the more afraid he was to return. In the beginning, he was going back to visit every couple of weeks and then it became months - gradually time grew further and further apart between visits. The Gems missed him and he missed them, but Steven was afraid.

What was Steven afraid of? A question that even Steven himself struggled to answer. A question that only his anxiety knew the answer to, refusing to tell Steven the reasons behind the panic. A part of him knew that he was afraid to go home, afraid to tell the Gems that he didn’t have the answers that he had set out to find. He didn’t understand himself. He didn’t feel...good. Returning home would just prove that he didn’t find the answers he sought - a failed mission. He was a failure. 

The last six months had been particularly hard on Steven. No matter what he did, it didn’t feel right. He hadn’t been doing much other than driving, eating, helping out with whatever community project he could find in the area and sleeping poorly. He had to do something to help fill the void. 

The truth is...he was beyond sick of being on the road. Sick of always moving. Sick of being alone. Sick of sleeping in a car. Sick of eating sandwiches from gas stations. Sick of driving. Sick of not knowing where he would end up. Sick of himself. 

The Gems had a perfect image in their mind of how happy Steven was on the road. Finally letting him leave the nest was the best thing they could have allowed him to do...truly. Steven didn’t want to go back home and disappoint them with the reality that he did in fact want nothing more than to come home and be close to his family. He had somehow convinced himself that returning home was the worst option, but everyone had been planning for him to return for his 21st birthday for months. Steven had been thinking about the upcoming weekend for months.

“Yeah...I guess so. I’d better let you study if you’re still up for the crazy weekend we have planned!” Steven smiled, he was both incredibly excited and nervous for the days ahead. 

Despite all of his anxieties - he wanted to see everyone. He wanted to beat the cloud of anxiety that had been teasing him for months. He missed Connie and the Gems dearly.

“I can’t wait! I’ll text you later. Let me know when you’re on your way, I’ve already started packing. My parents did question how much they would see me over this weekend and I have pre-warned them that I might just poke my head in before we head back. My parents came and visited me last weekend, so it’s not as if I haven’t already seen them, besides - this is your weekend!” Connie explained, she was incredibly excited about being able to spend the weekend with Steven considering how long it had been since they had last been together. 

“I don’t mind going to see your parents with you!”

“Oh Steven, you haven’t been around my dad since he got that new car. It’s all he ever speaks about. Even my Mom has gotten fed up with it.” Connie laughed. 

“It can’t be that bad, surely?”

“Oh, it can be! Anyway, I’ll have to catch you later. I've just gotten to the library.” 

“Okay, I’ll let you know when I’ve set off. Got a long drive ahead of me. I’ll see you soon!” Steven placed his hand inside of his pocket and stared out at the lonely road ahead of him. 

“Speak to you soon!”

“Connie!” Steven was quick to react, worried that Connie would hang up before he could speak. 

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” 

There was a short silence. 

“I love you too, Steven. See you on Friday.” 

Steven smiled contently as he waited for the phone to hum, indicating that Connie had hung up the phone. He held the phone to his chest as he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. 

Even with Steven’s issues, Connie kept him sane. The calls they shared were enough to stabilise Steven’s mental health enough for him to make it through the day. 

Steven reached into his pocket, pulling out a small golden ring that he carried around with him every single day without fail. A ring that he would one day give to Connie. He had a plan, but he wanted to make sure it wasn’t as disastrous as last time. Steven internally promised himself he would never propose again, especially not in the sense of two people getting married. 

He had read a lot about promise rings and the meanings behind them, so that was what he wanted this ring to be. A promise that he would always love her, no matter what. A promise that they would have a future together that they were both looking forward to. Although he knew that material items weren’t everything, there was no harm in a bit of romance. At least that’s what the countless schmaltz filled films he had been watching over the past couple of years had taught him. 

One day would be the right day and until then he would carry the ring as a reminder of what he was aiming towards. A sense check of reality. A goal to aim towards, something that he knew they both wanted together. 

The next couple of days would entail Steven travelling across several states in order to make it to Connie’s college on Friday. It would have been a long drive, but certainly, one that would be worth it in the end. 

There was no time to spare, Steven leant into the car to grab his bag of clean laundry - finding something to wear for the day ahead. He wanted to hit the road as soon as possible, admittedly being incredibly excited about seeing Connie again. He found his toothbrush in the side of the bag along with some toothpaste and a hairbrush that he briefly used to somewhat tame the beast that was atop his head. 

Before Steven could leave his current location he had received a video from Amethyst - something that he got near enough every single day. This time the video showed Amethyst eating ten pancakes in a matter of seconds with Pearl in the background with a face of sheer disgust. These videos were near enough always the same, but they never failed to make Steven smile. 

Steven began to get ready for the long drive, getting dressed, eating a cereal bar and brushing his teeth at the side of the road was most of what he did on his morning routine. He plugged his phone into the charger and placed it in front of him in the holder. For the first time in a long time, Steven needed to use his satnav. He pressed the ‘start journey’ button and his music began to play. 

His wheels spun as he exited the lonely road and began his journey.


	2. Anything.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven decides to visit Connie slightly earlier than expected which sparks some healthy conversations regarding Steven's wellbeing. 
> 
> Oh, and they order pizza!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the amazing response to the first chapter! Once again, if you have any comments or questions please feel free to ask on my blog ConnverseTheUniverse on Tumblr.

Steven had been travelling near enough non-stop since he had set off on his journey across the states to be at Connie’s college in time for Friday. However, despite that being the plan he sat nervously in his car in the college parking lot on Thursday evening. He didn’t plan on being early, but a part of him had always wished that it would be the case. After the months of not seeing Connie, he wanted to spend as much time as possible with her.

He wanted to beat himself up for the amount of time that they had spent apart. It wasn’t fair on either of them. However, with Connie’s tight schedule it would have been incredibly hard to fit Steven’s constant visitations within it. Connie also wished that they had seen each other sooner, but she was just happy to have something to look forward to. They still contacted each other multiple times every single day.

Steven glanced around the parking lot, other than a few cars it seemed to be empty. He pulled out his phone and immediately pulled up Connie’s contact. 

‘What are you up to? x’ Steven texted anxiously. He wanted to try and surprise her. 

There was a tightness in his chest as he continued to look at the message, waiting impatiently for Connie’s response. He was worried that she would be out, despite most of Connie’s social gatherings occurring between classes and the weekend. What if she was busy?

‘...’

The young man stared nervously at the three dots at the bottom of the screen indicating Connie was typing. 

‘Just finished packing. How far away are you now?’ 

‘I’m not too far now!’ Steven chuckled to himself, knowing his true location was a five-minute walk away from her dorm room. 

‘Please drive safely! I can’t wait for tomorrow xxx’

‘Me neither, I can’t wait to see you. I will drive under the speed limit! I promise xoxo’ 

Steven gleamed down at the texts, he couldn’t quite believe how lucky he was to have someone like Connie in his life. 

He couldn’t wait any longer, not even bothering to read Connie’s next text he threw the phone into his pocket and hopped out of the car. Steven grabbed the duffel bag holding very few of his personal belongings and threw it over his shoulder before locking the car and walking away with a huge smile spread across his face. 

Steven blamed himself for not coming to visit Connie sooner. In the early days of his travels, he would always head back to Beach City to see her and once she had moved out to college he began to see her less and less. Not for any particular reason other than Steven venturing further into the unknown west and Connie being incredibly focused on her education. He didn’t want to bother her all the time when she had so much to do. Either way, they didn’t seem to mind the phone calls. 

However, nothing was better than seeing each other in person. Steven had been looking forward to this moment for a long time and seemed to be the only thing that was keeping him sane whilst on the road - the idea that he would get to go home for his birthday. An excuse to go home. He didn't want anyone to think he was going home because he hated travelling and that his mental health had become an intense burden on his everyday life. 

Everyone was expecting him to come back for his birthday. It wouldn’t have been anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps if he were to go back home at some other random date they would assume he was unhappy and smother him with questions about his mental wellbeing. His birthday was the perfect cover-up for getting to spend some time at home without being questioned. 

Steven walked through the college campus. Something about being there made him feel normal. Having never been to school, stepping onto the grounds felt bizarre and yet somewhat comforting. Steven wasn’t quite sure how he would do academically, he most certainly wasn’t as book smart as Connie. Who needs books when you established peace across the universe? 

He gripped onto the duffel bag nervously as he approached the building that housed Connie’s room. He began to mess around with his hair in an attempt to make it somewhat presentable. It was still just as fluffy as always. 

Steven had been to the building many times before and even the campus had become somewhat familiar. Sure, he didn’t know it like the back of his hand as Connie did - but he knew enough to navigate himself around.

Steven remembered the code to the dorm rooms - he had made it the same as the lock on his phone to make it easier to remember if he ever went months without seeing Connie. Which in this instance, was a very handy thing that he had done. 

5461

Steven glanced around the small corridor as he entered the building, nothing had changed. It looked exactly the same as it did the first time that he had visited. In fact, he had helped Connie move into the dorm room a few years ago when she had first started. Surprisingly, she was nervous but was quick to make friends with near enough everyone who she shared the communal spaces with. 

Connie had invited Steven to a few of the social events that were hosted throughout the campus, but Steven had kindly rejected a lot of them. It wasn’t the fact that he didn’t want to go...he was afraid that he would embarrass Connie with his inability to speak to her friends like a normal human being. Being on the road had allowed him to work on that social skill, but it was still incredibly difficult for him to relate to...human beings. 

Only Connie understood Steven and trying to explain that to anyone else became a much larger task than what anyone wanted to deal with. 

Steven made his way up the two flights of stairs that lead up to Connie’s room. She had a reasonably sized room on the third floor of the building and an amazing view of the city in the distance that surrounded the campus. Steven was somewhat jealous of her permanent residence.

He breathed deeply as he stood outside of the room, staring nervously at the metal ‘26’ that was screwed to the door. He could hear the faint noise of a television but wasn’t sure whether that was coming from Connie’s room or one of the rooms opposite. 

Steven checked his phone, finally seeing the text that Connie had written in response to his last message regarding his driving. 

‘Good. Let’s save the speeding for beating meatheads in street races haha x’ 

Steven smiled at the message, knowing exactly what she was referring to. One of their many adventures when they were younger. He was tempted to reply with something witty, but none of that mattered anymore - he was there. 

All he needed to do was knock on the door and there she would be. Connie Maheswaren. It seemed as if every time that Steven went away she got prettier and prettier, but maybe that was just his mind becoming adrift. She was perfect in every way. 

Steven nervously rubbed the strap that was balanced on his shoulder holding up the red duffel bag full of a few items of clothing. His face flushed red, he felt sixteen again. Somewhat terrified that Connie wouldn’t want him to be around, always worried that maybe he was a different person after all of the time he had spent away. He didn’t want to change, especially if it wasn’t for the better.

“C’mon Steven, just knock on the door.” Steven quietly mumbled to himself as he lifted his hand up to the door. 

It took him a few seconds of contemplation before knocking gently on the door three times. 

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Steven paused, waiting anxiously on a response from his call. He brushed his hand through his hair once again. He was an idiot, an idiot for not coming back sooner. He should have come back sooner - four months was too long. It had been such a long time!

Steven’s heart nearly burst through his chest as he listened carefully to the faint noise of the television stop, suddenly followed by a short amount of footsteps. There was a shared silence before the door unlocked and was pulled back ever so slightly just whoever was inside could peek out. 

“Steven?!?” Connie gasped as the door practically flew open. 

“I hope I’m not too early!” Steven chuckled as he opened up his arms.

Connie didn’t hesitate as she ran into him, resting her head on his chest and squeezing him tightly. Steven made sure to wrap his arms around her, savouring the moment. He missed everything about her, from the faint smell of her shampoo to the shorts and baggy t-shirt combination she was rocking as pyjamas. 

“Never! I can’t believe you’re here!” She mumbled into his chest. It had been far too long since they had last connected, it felt like a dream come true. 

They had never spent that long apart before and to say it was tough on them both was an understatement. Although there was one thing that it did make both of them realise and that was that they never wanted to be apart again. 

“Live and in stereo!” 

“I missed you so much!” Connie gripped him tighter, grasping onto the fabric of his jacket. Her words made Steven’s eyes well up with tears, he couldn’t believe he had been missing out on hugs like this one for months. He was a complete idiot for continuing his travels so far west, despite Connie always being supportive wherever he went. 

“Me too! I hope I’m not disturbing your school work by getting here early.” 

“No! I finished it this afternoon and I’m not planning on doing anymore until Monday. I’ve been playing video games, come see!” Connie chuckled as she released Steven from her grip and held onto his hands. 

Steven passively allowed Connie to drag him inside the room, making sure to keep the bag balanced on his shoulder. Connie let go as Steven gently shut the door behind him. 

He had been in the room before, but it was much different to what it looked like previously. It seemed as if Connie had spent a lot of her spare time in the summer making the room her own. When Steven had visited before the room had been very education dominated and incredibly bare - the room had stayed the same for years. 

However, now it had some kind of life to it. It wasn’t just a few pictures stuck to the wall, it was a small collage of photos, a TV, fairy lights, a desk decorated in flowers and wooden pen pots filled with highlighters, a few posters and what looked to be a games console. 

Steven put his bag down by the door before admiring the decor within the room and making his way over to Connie who had sat excitedly on the bed with a small controller in her hands. 

“You’re going to love this! Come look!” Connie gleamed up at Steven before patting her hand down on the bed, gesturing for him to join her. 

“What is it?”

“Animal Crossing.” 

“What’s it about?” Steven questioned as he sat down on the bed beside her before lying down and resting his head on his arm - staring contently at the TV. Steven loved that despite not seeing each other in such a long time, their initial interaction was so fluid and natural as if they had only been apart for ten minutes. 

“It’s a strategy game about paying debts by catching bugs and fish.” Connie excitedly explained as she made her character move around the island that she had created. 

“Paying debts?”

“Yeah, there’s a racoon who forces you to get extensions built on your house and then charges you an extortionate rate. It’s pretty crazy.” Connie clicked the buttons on the controller in quick succession. “In fact, he’s not even a racoon - he’s a tanooki. It’s like a Japanese dog.”

“He sounds pretty mean.” 

“I think he’s just misunderstood.” Connie smiled as she glanced back at Steven who was sitting staring up at her in awe. 

She was so beautiful, caught up in her video game that she was clearly passionate about when work wasn’t in the equation. Steven didn’t even mind, he was entranced by both Connie and the strange-looking animals aimlessly waddling around on the screen. He hadn’t seen her in so long and it was for his own selfish reasons of somewhat needing the time away. It was stupid, he had never truly wanted that his entire life and yet suddenly being alone was all he wanted. 

Sure, when he first accepted that he wanted to travel he was alright with being alone, but the road took a toll and he always wanted to visit everyone. Gradually he became exhausted with that social interaction and as much as he wanted to go back - something told him not to. He always worried it would seem as if he was pushing people away and in a sense he was. It didn’t make any sense. 

“Hey, Connie?” Steven attempted to get her attention.

“Yeah?” Connie immediately removed her attention away from the video game. 

“Can we...talk?” 

“Yeah, of course! Sorry, I was completely caught up in my game - I thought you’d want to see.” Connie half-smiled as she placed the controller on the end of the bed and reached for the TV remote. 

“I do want to see the game! I want to hear more about the debt collecting racoon, but I just thought that maybe we should talk.” 

Connie turned the TV off, placing the remote beside the game controller. She quickly did a 180 and crossed her legs to face Steven. Steven sat up, mirroring her position. 

“I’m all ears! Well, not really - that would be pretty gross! Y’know what I mean.” Connie smiled as she reached out for Steven’s hands. 

Steven allowed her to grip onto his hands, her hands were soft and warm - just as he had remembered. He felt at home with her touch, the smell of her room, the ambience and her presence. The whole room felt like one big warm hug. Home. 

“I’m sorry.” Steven bit hard onto his bottom lip.

“Sorry? What for?” 

“I should have come to see you sooner. I can’t believe it’s been four months. I haven’t seen you in four months!” Steven closed his eyes tightly, trying his hardest to prevent the tears from escaping.

Connie’s jaw unhinged, a rush of understanding brushing over her. Their time apart had been hard, but Connie had taken it well. They still spoke to each other a lot through text and frequent phone calls. Connie didn’t see the issue in them being apart for a while - especially when they were both so busy with their own things. They loved each other and as far as Connie was concerned, distance would never change that. 

Steven couldn’t look her in the eyes, his emotions overtaking the conversation. Connie didn’t hesitate to use her thumb to wipe the runaway tear from his cheek. He hadn’t spoken to anyone regarding his feelings apart from his therapist in so long - even then he felt like everything he told her was just things that she wanted to hear. 

“Oh Steven, it’s okay! We’ve both been pretty busy, I have college and you’ve been travelling to places you’ve never seen before! It’s okay!”

“I should have made the time.”

“You did! Steven, you wake up early every single morning to call me before I go to the library. You always make the time.” Connie chuckled as she caught yet another tear trickling from his eye. 

“I just-”

“You can talk to me about anything, Steven. Anything. You know that, right?” 

“I know.” Steven sighed, he had come such a long way since his breakdown a few years ago. Nothing had happened like it since - especially not to the same extent. He was able to control how he felt for the most part, but that didn’t mean every now and then he didn’t fall into a deep pit of depression. 

Although the road was good for him the loneliness could sometimes get to him a bit more than he would like. The constant rain cloud above him, dictating how he had to feel. The voices in the back of his mind telling him that everyone he loved hated him and only spoke to him when on the road out of pity. Even the people he had met along the way, he couldn't help but feel as if they were constantly judging him for his inability to act...normal. He felt like an alien on his own planet. He was an alien. 

“So, you would tell me if something was going on?” Connie shuffled closer to Steven, continuing to hold his hands gently. 

Steven glanced at everything in the room apart from Connie, afraid to lock his eyes with hers. He took a deep breath and glanced downwards, collecting his thoughts as he noticed a bit of loose thread on the stitching of Connie’s t-shirt. He couldn’t think straight. 

“Steven?” Connie interrupted his vacant thoughts, pushing her finger under his chin and lifting his head gently so he had no choice but to look at her. 

“It’s stupid…” Steven attempted to look away.

“No, it’s not.” Connie gently nudged his chin so he was looking at her once again.

Steven’s bottom lip trembled as he looked her in the eyes and internally built up the courage to speak about the thing that had been bugging him for so long. The thing that he had narrowly avoided speaking about on the phone and video calls. 

“W-when we go back home tomorrow - I want to stay there. If not there, well, somewhere close to Beach City. A house. Yeah. I was thinking about maybe having one of them swinging benches in the garden, one of the ones with the cute little cushions. That would be nice.” Steven looked away as he somewhat casually explained his plan that he had been thinking about for months. 

He was fed up of being alone - he wanted to be with his family. He wanted to go home. 

Connie slowly cracked a smile at the idea, she could tell that over the last couple of months he had been a lot less excited about what he had been doing on the road. He seemed...tired, but not the kind of tired that would be solved by sleeping. 

“That does sound pretty nice. How about a daybed? They look really comfy.” Connie played along with the idea.

“What’s that?”

“It’s like a giant bed...but outside.”

“You can get those?” 

“Yeah! You totally need one of them.” Connie sniggered, finally seeing a slight smile forming on the corners of Steven’s lips. 

Steven’s heavy thoughts seemed to come out a lot easier than he thought they would, admitting to Connie that he didn’t want to do what he had been doing for the past couple of years anymore was tough. He was terrified of telling her, worried that she would try and convince him otherwise - but she didn’t. She didn’t say a word. 

“Do you think I should stay?” Steven questioned, truly curious to know her answer. 

Connie leant close to Steven, planting a quick kiss on his lips. Steven blinked rapidly in shock - he hadn’t kissed her in months. He missed her so much. Oh no. He was going to cry again. 

“I think you should do whatever is going to make you the happiest and if that’s settling down where you feel comfortable - then so be it. If it means that you want to travel for another year and don’t visit me the whole time then I’d be okay with that too, as long as you’re doing something that makes you happy. If you’re no longer happy travelling - then don’t. Nobody is going to judge you for that choice. It’s up to you. No matter what you decide to do and where you decide to go just know I will always be waiting here for you. I’m not going anywhere.” Connie beamed as her words left her lips, slowly tracing circles with her thumbs on the tops of Steven’s hands. 

Steven sat in shock, this whole time his evil mind had told him that Connie would tell him the exact opposite. There was no way that this conversation could have been going as well as it was. His mind had a completely different image every time he had even attempted to comprehend the conversation. The thing he had spent hours lying awake at night for, the anxiety, the sadness, the sheer worry - none of it was worth it because he always had Connie. No matter what. 

Steven quickly removed his hands from Connie’s grip before leaning forward and pulling her in tightly for a hug. Connie didn’t hesitate to hold him tightly in return.

“I’m an idiot.” Steven whimpered over her shoulder. 

“No, you’re not! You just...worry a lot, but it’s okay to worry about things sometimes. I know it’s difficult, but try not to let it get to you. If you want to go home, you can go home. If anything, they will be pleased to see you! I’m pleased to see you, I still can’t believe you’re here early!” Connie hugged him tighter as she spoke. A part of her knew that this conversation was a long time coming, just from his lack of enthusiasm for his day to day life when explained over the phone was enough for Connie to know something was wrong. 

Admittedly, she had tried to speak to him about it not too long ago. Steven being Steven was very quick to defend his negative thoughts, shielding them with the false reality he built around himself. 

“I thought I should catch you before you made dinner - that way we could order pizza.” Steven chuckled as he wiped away his own tears. 

Connie pulled away from the hug and began to laugh. 

“Really?”

“I mean...only if you want to!” 

“Only if we get two sweet chilli dips.” Connie shrugged. 

“On the condition, I get an extra slice and no judgement in the morning when I eat it cold for ‘breakfast’.” Steven slowly formed finger guns with his hands and pointed them directly towards Connie. 

“Deal.” Connie winked as she copied his actions. 

The evening rolled by and the two spent the whole time catching up with one another, expanding on the stories that they had already spoken about over the phone. They had ordered more pizza than either of them could eat, but they still enjoyed the meal nonetheless. 

Steven was happy in Connie’s presence and being in her dorm room was somewhat of an honour. It was just like his car in the sense that it was his own space. Of course, when he lived with the Gems he had his own room - but there was always a sense of not being alone whilst he was there. It was too easy for people to disturb his space, there was no independence. 

The pair even spent part of the evening taking a short walk around campus, although Steven had been given the tour several times before - he loved hearing Connie speaking so passionately about the place that she loved so deeply. During the term time, whenever there were open days for people to visit the campus she would lead tours around the college, speaking in great detail about its history and the courses that it offered. She was so confident and explained everything in such depth whilst holding his hand and showing him off to every one that passed. He felt so...loved. He felt good in her presence. 

Steven sat up in Connie’s bed, flicking aimlessly through his phone as he waited for her to finish up in the bathroom. He knew he was going to get a fantastic night’s sleep, not only would he be beside Connie - he would be sleeping in an actual bed. Not only comfort, but the anxieties he had been carrying for so long had suddenly subsided after his conversation with Connie. Despite spending a few years camped out in the back of his car he had no idea how his dad had spent the vast majority of his life living in the back of his van. Steven valued a good night’s sleep too much to be woken up almost constantly by changes in weather. 

“Did you say that you’ve packed for tomorrow?” Steven continued to look at the pointless videos on his phone as he spoke, most of which included cats falling off furniture. 

“Just about, there are a few things but I’ll just throw in a bag tomorrow morning.” Connie flicked the light off in the bathroom as she strolled across the room and dropped the blind. On her way to bed, she turned off the light, leaving only the lamp by her bed and the fairy lights on the wall illuminated. 

Steven locked his phone and placed it on the bedside table, waiting for Connie to join him under the incredibly comfy covers. He was pretty jealous of the dorm bed that she had, according to every film that Steven had ever seen - these beds were not meant to be comfortable. Connie had hit the jackpot. 

“We’ll get breakfast in the morning before we head off. I should also probably fill up with gas.” Steven expressed as he held his arm out, Connie quietly crept in the bed. She was almost magnetized towards Steven’s chest, deciding to scrap the idea of her own pillows and use him instead. 

“Let’s not forget the most important thing about tomorrow!” Connie mumbled as she nuzzled into Steven’s chest to make herself comfortable. 

“What?”

“It’s your birthday!”

“Turning 21 seems pretty scary. I could...buy alcohol!” 

“Oh no! I can’t even begin to imagine you drunk. What a disaster.” Connie chuckled, she always found it amusing when Steven claimed he was scared of such mundane things - considering the number of intergalactic threats he had faced in the past. 

“Hey! I could most certainly handle myself with alcohol. As long as you promise to hold my hair back if I was sick.” Steven countered, loving every second he could hold and speak to Connie in person. 

“If you could handle yourself with alcohol you probably wouldn’t be sick.” 

“You make a fair point.” Steven smiled. 

Steven gently moved Connie off his chest, she reluctantly used her own pillow as Steven laid opposite so he could face her. 

They laid there in silence for a few moments, studying each other's facial features. After all this time, Steven was still in awe with how gorgeous Connie was - on the inside and out. Someone like him didn’t deserve someone like her, he was beyond lucky to have even had the chance to meet her all those years ago. The only person in his life he had truly shared that same connection with. Nobody was quite like Connie.

“Are you keeping the stubble?” Connie questioned as she lightly ran her fingers across Steven’s jawline. 

“Do you not like it?” Steven placed his hand on top of hers.

“No, I love it.” Connie continued to gently stroke his stubble with her thumb. 

Steven felt incredibly relaxed, being with Connie was a blessing. He had missed her so much, there was no way that he would ever leave her for that long ever again. As much as he loved hearing her voice every morning and every evening, it sounded so much better when it wasn’t coming through his phone. He dreamt about the idea of waking up beside her every morning and the sheer happiness it would bring him. 

“I wish we could cuddle every night.” Steven pouted, thinking about his two favourite things in life combined. Connie and hugs.

“We could watch trashy movies, play video games, eat all the pizza in the world and cuddle all night - every night. That sounds like a pretty good plan.” Connie smiled as she traced her thumb across his pouty bottom lip. 

“Can we get ice cream too?”

“Yeah! Every flavour you can think of!” 

“Even cookie dough?”

“Even cookie dough.” Connie repeated. 

Just as Steven was about to spend the next few moments sat in silence staring into Connie’s memorising eyes his phone began to buzz. He rolled his eyes as Connie half-smiled at the sound. Steven leant over Connie to grab his phone and sat on the bedside table before lying back down beside her. 

Steven glanced at the notification that had popped up on his screen, a message from Pearl. 

Steven unlocked his phone and clicked on the message. Just like most of the messages that the Gems sent - it was a video. 

“Oh, Steven! We’re all so excited about you coming home tomorrow for your birthday. We’ve been putting together the ultimate 21st birthday party all day!” Pearl exclaimed excitedly, the camera far too close to her face. 

“Pearl, tell him about what we got from the store!” Amethyst screamed in the background. 

“There’s lots of food - if Amethyst doesn’t eat it all before you get here. You might get to witness it in one of the many disgusting videos she sends.” Pearl mumbled into the phone. 

“Hey!”

“I can’t believe you’re going to be 21 years old, Steven! You’ve turned into such a perfect adult and we’re so proud of you!” Pearl smiled excitedly as she angled the camera towards the kitchen. 

Garnet stood behind the kitchen island wearing what looked to be a party hat as Amethyst sat on the countertop kicking her legs back and forth. 

“We love you, Steven! Have a safe journey home.” Garnet smiled before blowing into a party horn. 

“See you soon, Steve-O!” Amethyst waved. 

“Okay Steven, we’ll see you tomorrow. Make sure to drive safely and tell Connie that we’re very excited to see her too.” Pearl grinned as she continued to keep the camera unflatteringly close to her face. “Amethyst, how do I make it stop again?”

“The big red button! I told you I should have been the on-” Amethyst was suddenly cut off as the video ended. 

Steven chuckled at the video, it wasn’t uncommon for them to send him multiple video clips a day, but they always made his day a lot better. Steven loved the Gems to bits and couldn’t wait to see them again, it had been even longer since he had last seen them in comparison to Connie. He hadn’t even seen his dad in a long time too and couldn’t wait to catch up with him and hear all about his last tour with Sadie Killer & the Suspects. Rumour had it they were already planning their first tour of Europe and Steven was excited to hear all about it. 

“Everyone has missed you so much! They’ll all be so pleased to see you.” Connie held tightly onto Steven’s arm as she watched him type a message back to Pearl which included several heart emojis and ‘see you tomorrow!’.

“I can’t wait to see everyone again.” Steven half smiled as he locked his phone and threw it to the end of the bed. He didn’t want any more distractions taking him away from Connie. 

Steven was somewhat worried about the feeling of being rather overwhelmed by his return. He knew that all of the attention would be on him and although a part of him loved to be loved, the other half felt nervous about being back with his family.

“I know it might be a little overwhelming with everyone there, but I’ll be there too and if you need to step away for any reason - let me know and we can go somewhere quiet for a bit.” Connie reassured Steven as she read his mind. Unfortunately for Steven, it was very hard to let anything slide when Connie was around, she was incredibly good at picking up when something wasn’t quite right. 

“Thank you, I really am excited - I’m just worrying because of nothing.” Steven chuckled. He had spoken to his therapist previously about going back to see his family, the only advice that she could give him that his family would love to see him and he shouldn’t have been worried about it. Despite him knowing that this would have been true, there was a side of his mind that kept refusing to believe it. Over and over the unrealistic thoughts entered his mind. 

“Try not to worry. You know most of tomorrow will be hugs, presents and cake.” 

“None of that is bad.”

“Exactly! So, don’t worry about it.” Connie grinned as she prodded Steven’s stomach with her finger. Steven let out a childish giggle. 

“Hey! You know I’m ticklish!”

“I know, that’s why I’m tickling you!” Connie continued to prod her fingers into Steven’s side as he attempted to wiggle away, the only escape plan was to back into the wall. 

“Please! No more!” Steven laughed happily. 

“Okay, fine. You win. I shall stand down...for now.” Connie sighed as she backed away. A simple moment of normality was enough to bring back Steven’s smile and minimised his anxious thoughts about the day ahead. 

Steven rubbed his eyes, attempting to hide the fact he was on the verge of tears from the tickling. He copied Connie’s sigh and rested his head back on the pillow to face her. 

“That’s enough excitement for one night, we should probably get to bed. We’ve got a long drive tomorrow morning.” Steven reminded her as she began to yawn on cue. 

“You mean you’ve got a long drive tomorrow? I’m going to be riding shotgun with my snacks.” Connie cocked an eyebrow. 

“Sure, as long as you occasionally poke chips in the side of my mouth. It’s the only way I’ll be able to make the journey. How else do you think I’ve been able to drive across the country? You don’t want to know how many Chaaaaps I’ve consumed over the past few years. Too many.” Steven shook his head. 

“Well, I’ll have to eat twice as many to make up for it then.” 

Connie sat up and grabbed Steven’s phone from the end of the bed before placing it on the bedside counter. She reached back down to the end of the bed and pulled the blanket over them both. Connie loved sharing a bed with Steven, it made her feel so safe. She couldn't have begun to imagine what it was like to sleep in the back of a car for a few years - she would never be comfortable. Connie knew that Steven would sleep well beside her and she could tell by how his eyes were already partially closed that he was fighting to stay awake to be with her. 

Connie leant down and kissed Steven on the forehead as she laid down and pulled the blanket up to her chin. Unlike the silky and noisy material of the sleeping bag that Steven had gotten used to, the covers were much more comfortable. 

Steven closed his eyes and smiled, feeling so happy in the moment of the kiss. He felt so loved. 

“I love you, Connie.” Steven mumbled, his tiredness hitting him like a brick wall. 

Connie reached over towards the lamp and turned it off before turning away from Steven, allowing him to lazily wrap his arms around her. He rested his head on her neck, he could smell the peach shampoo she had been using that made her hair so soft. 

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the way I write could be considered strange - but hear me out. You may find that a lot of things within chapters are repeated pretty frequently. Most commonly how Steven feels about certain things. 
> 
> Why? 
> 
> Well, I want to make the reader feel what Steven feels. The constant racing thoughts that tend to be incredibly irrational and can easily be justified, but in the moment that's all you can think about. Anxiety comes with intrusive thoughts and I believe that's what Steven would experience during these situations. The constant fear that he's not good enough or that nobody wants to be around him, followed by the rationalisation of telling himself that's a stupid thought only to be followed up once again by the first thought. 
> 
> A constant cycle - just as anxiety feels.


	3. Homemade Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connie gives Steven some gifts for his birthday before they head back to Beach City, one of which is something he will treasure for the rest of his life.
> 
> This is more of a 'cute before the storm' kind of chapter...

Steven slept well. Unlike he had ever slept before. He hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in a bed for well over four months, even spending some nights in motel rooms and not in the car was full of constant unrest. Steven was just pleased to finally be able to sleep in the same bed as the person he loved. 

The light shined brightly through the gaps in the blinds and into the dorm room, illuminating everything inside with a hazy glow. Although the partners had awoken tangled up with each other - they had unsurprisingly woken up slightly later than they had intended to. It didn’t mean that they were behind with their schedule, it just gave them less time to spend time together in the morning. The reality was they were going to spend that time chatting to each other whilst staring at the ceiling, so sleepily cuddling for an hour instead was just as good.

Connie awoke Steven with several short kisses as she whispered ‘happy birthday’. Steven smiled on her lips, indicating that he was half awake. It did take him a while to eventually roll out of bed, especially when Connie was already dressed and near enough ready to go within minutes of her waking up. 

Steven had the opportunity to use Connie’s shower and even used the peach shampoo that had made her hair smell so perfect. Connie was excited for him to come out of the shower so she could use her hairdryer to give his hair its usual fluffiness. Steven sat lazily chewing on the cold pizza from the night before as Connie stood behind him with the hairdryer. Steven loved the attention she gave him - and cold pizza.

After Steven's hair was dry and Connie had spent enough time using the hairdryer as a weapon against Steven, Connie stopped laughing and stood still for a moment, contemplating her next move. 

“I’ve got you a present!” Connie excitedly swung her arms as Steven sat on the end of the bed looking up at her.

“Really? Aw, you didn’t have to!” Steven wasn’t exactly...expecting anything. Connie just being around was enough for him, especially since she was coming all the way back to Beach City with him. That felt like more than enough.

“Close your eyes!” Connie instructed. Steven followed the instructions and closed his eyes tightly. 

Connie knelt down, grabbing the gifts that she had gotten from underneath the bed, just past where Steven was sitting. She gently placed the two gifts on Steven’s lap. 

“You can open your eyes now!” 

Steven opened his eyes, looking down at the gifts on his lap. They were wrapped with generic, yet pretty wrapping paper. Connie had even gone to the extent of sticking tiny decorative bows on the top of them. 

“I kind of don’t want to open them...you’ve wrapped them too nicely.” Steven chuckled. 

“Go on! Do the big one first.” Connie urged as Steven gently peeled off the bow that was stuck to the wrapper. 

He placed the sticky bow on the end of his nose before it quickly fell off, Connie shook her head and laughed, gesturing towards the gift. She was rather excited for him to see what she had gotten him for his birthday. 

“What is it?” Steven gently shook the package. 

“You could have figured that out about five minutes ago, just open it!” Connie grew frustrated as she laughed at Steven’s gentle and curious nature. 

Steven smirked as he slowly peeled off each section of tape so he didn’t rip any of the paper. The paper was far too nice to ruin. 

As the paper folded backwards it slowly revealed what was underneath. A thoughtful gift that Connie had gotten him. It looked like...a games console?

“Woah, what’s this?” Steven questioned as he pulled out the colourful console from the paper. 

“It’s a Nintendo Switch Lite. It’s like mine that I was playing last night, but this one is super portable. So, I thought it would be good for when you’re...well...not at home?” Connie shrugged, realising that her gift was aimed more towards the Steven that she believed would have been living in the back of his car for the foreseeable future and not the Steven who desperately wanted to go home. 

“Does this mean I can play the game with the misunderstood racoon and adorable animals?” Steven questioned as he held up the console.

“I’ve already pre-installed it on the console. I thought it would be good for us to hang out together virtually when we’re apart. We can visit each other's islands and trade items. I can show you how to play later?” Connie explained, excited to share her interest with Steven. She hoped that his island didn’t have peaches. She already had peaches on her own island.

“Yeah, that would be fantastic! Thank you so much, Connie. Isn’t this kind of thing...expensive?” Steven cocked an eyebrow, worrying that Connie may have spent too much of her money on him.

“It’s a special occasion. What’s the point in having a student loan if I can’t use some of it to buy a birthday gift for my boyfriend?” Connie laughed as she shrugged her shoulders. Steven was surprised that she had spent the money on him using her student loan, he wasn’t quite sure how it worked, but it didn’t seem like something that she usually would have spent the money on. 

Steven placed the console to one side as Connie came and sat beside him on the end of the bed. Steven held the second gift in his hands, this one had a slightly different shape to it. 

“Okay, so this one is a little more personal. I have a really talented friend who helped me put it together.” Connie pointed towards the second gift. 

Steven was curious to know what the gift would be as he repeated his technique of opening. He pulled the gift out only to see what seemed to be a large book with thick pages. He accidentally dropped the paper on the floor as he stared at the front cover, stunned by what he saw. 

The front cover had the words ‘THE ADVENTURES OF STEVEN UNIVERSE AND CONNIE MAHESWARAN’ printed in bold, but colourful letters. Surrounding the letters were tiny cartoon drawings of himself and Connie. 

“Wow…” Steven began to tear up at just the sight of the front. He wasn’t quite sure what the book entailed, but the effort and love that must have gone into making it was beyond him. 

“Look inside, you’re going to love it.” Connie urged, proud of the personal gift that she had managed to create with the help from the incredibly artistic girl who lived opposite her in the dorms. 

Steven turned the page only to be presented with the first page, a short piece of text from Connie.

‘Happy birthday, Steven. I made this book to contain all of our adventures, so that even if we’re far apart you can be reminded of all the amazing memories we have together. Lots of love from your jambud, Connie.’ 

Steven gently turned the page once again to see a double-page spread of images of them both, surrounded by text and more of the small cartoon versions of themselves. The first page had a cute explanation of how the two of them met, along with cartoon illustrations of how that first encounter went - including a drawing of them both stuck in his stubborn pink bubble that wouldn’t allow them to leave. Steven chuckled as he looked at the drawing, entertained by the next page which had the first-ever picture that they had taken together. 

Steven flicked through the next few pages, filled with stories that the two of them shared, photos of them together and cute colourful illustrations that littered the pages. From their adventures as Stevonnie to venturing into space, everything was in there. 

“I-I love it. Thank you!” Steven’s bottom lip trembled as he closed the book and hugged it tightly. 

Connie smiled as she rested her head on his shoulder and hugged him. 

“This is the n-nicest gift I’ve ever received. This is the only book I will read for the rest of my life.”

“I’m glad you like it.” 

“I love it. I love it so much! Thank you, for this and the game. It’s more than I could ever ask for.” Steven showed his appreciation some more, refusing to let go of the sentimental book. 

The book was everything he ever wanted and more. He couldn’t quite believe how thoughtful the gift was. How perfect it was. He loved it. 

Connie softly stroked the top of his hair before planting a small kiss on his cheek. She was so pleased that he loved his gift. 

“I’ve still got some things to pack, so I’ll let you have a little look through.” Connie stood up as she spoke. Steven stared at the front cover of the book one more time, still in shock with how beautiful it was. 

After the tough time he had been having, the book was what he needed. Something to look back on some of his favourite memories with Connie. It was all well and good flicking through photographs on his phone, but having it in front of him in an incredibly special book was amazing. He was finding it hard to express in words how thoughtful the gift was. 

Connie packed up the rest of her things for the night she would be spending in Beach City as Steven sat at her desk swinging his legs back and forth and switching his attention between the book that he cherished so dearly and studying all the photographs she had stuck on the walls in front of her desk. There were a lot of photographs of the two of them together, ones spanning from when they first met up to the last photo they took together when Steven had last visited. There were even a few photos that Steven had sent Connie of himself whilst on the road, mostly of him beside street signs that had hilarious sounding names. 

Despite getting up later than they had planned, they managed to leave Connie’s dorm around the time they had been expected if they wanted to get to Beach City just after midday. Steven had promised to try and swing through a drive-thru and neither of them complained about the extra time they got to laze around with one another. 

Steven threw his duffel bag over his shoulder as he watched Connie lock the door of her dorm room. All of the wonderful things that he had read inside of the book that she had written just reassured him how much he loved her. How much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He was in love. 

Steven held his hand out as Connie put her keys in her backpack before swinging it over her shoulder. She glanced down at Steven’s hand, there was no hesitation as she reached her hand out and held on. Steven looked away as he grinned, not wanting Connie to see how absolutely smitten he was. 

The two proudly walked through campus together. Being a Saturday morning in the middle of summer - the campus was pretty empty. Steven still couldn’t quite grasp the idea of living on campus, even the idea of doing classes was foreign to him. He did at some point in his life want to attempt some sort of school, Connie had already offered some sort of tuition and if the idea of it didn’t make him feel completely useless he probably would have taken her up on the offer. 

“These are so cool!” Connie exclaimed as she leant down to touch each of the bumper stickers that littered the back of Steven’s car - showing off all of the notable places that he had visited. She had seen pictures of it but hadn’t seen all of the new additions in person for months. 

“This is my new favourite. They didn’t have any pink ones though.” Steven pointed towards the sticker on the window that was the shape of a cute cartoon lion. 

“It’s adorable.” Connie smiled as she continued to study the rest of the new stickers on the back. 

Steven unlocked the car and put his bag into the back gently, well aware that Connie’s fragile gifts were inside before clambering in the driver’s seat, awaiting Connie to join him. As Connie got into the car she left her bag by her feet and watched as Steven positioned his phone onto the holder attached to the window, messing around with both music and a satnav app. 

Steven had decided to put on the playlist that he had made Connie over a year ago, something that he kept adding songs to whenever he discovered something new. Connie was aware of the playlist and frequently played it whilst studying. 

They set off on their journey back to Beach City.


	4. Happy Birthday Steven!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven's finally home and it's time for him to start celebrating his 21st birthday like any other 21-year-old, with beer, poker and...hold on a second...*checks notes*...guns??? That's a joke - right?
> 
> Seriously? It's a joke? Okay, fine. 
> 
> Steven has a reunion with the Crystal Gems!

The drive from Connie’s college back to Beach City was around three and a half hours - luckily for everyone the college that Connie decided to go to wasn’t exactly a million miles away and meant that every couple of weekends she could still go back on a long train journey to see her parents. She had originally dreamt of going a lot further afield to study, but the college that she chose, in the end, was perfect. She was incredibly happy with everything that she was studying, the facilities, the people, how it was being taught and the campus that she lived on. 

Steven and Connie spent a lot of the journey speaking about what seemed like everything. It was like a longer version of their usual morning phone call which they both valued so dearly. Steven thoroughly enjoyed listening to the stories that Connie shared about college and Connie thoroughly enjoyed the stories that Steven shared regarding the places that he had been and the things that he had seen. 

Steven’s nerves regarding Beach City had slowly subsided with Connie’s witty company. In the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but somewhat panic, but he knew it would all be okay. He couldn’t wait to just...stop. Even if that meant being emotional smothered by the Gems. 

Steven had gotten so used to driving long distances that driving for four hours straight didn’t seem to knock him for six like it used to. It just felt normal. Connie, on the other hand, had managed to doze off once during the journey - but not for very long. 

A wave of nostalgia swept over Steven as he glanced up at the sign indicating he was entering Beach City. It had been just over six months since he had been back in the town and yet from a first glance, nothing had seemed to change. He couldn’t quite believe how long it had been since he had left the first time. 

“This place never seems to change.” Connie sighed as she stared out the window, studying the various buildings as they passed. Little Homeworld could be seen in the distance, looking the same as when Steven had last visited.

“Nope.” Steven glanced at his surroundings, each and every building still standing just as they were when he left. There must have been something different. 

It was strange for Steven to see everything still standing the way that it was when he had last left. They didn't need Steven to survive, they were perfectly capable without Steven's help. He wasn't needed. 

Steven drove through the town, passing all the locations he spent so many hours at when he wasn’t doing something gem related. The little parts of his life he had to himself, like getting donuts or playing video games at the arcade. Things that normal children should have been doing. Things he would have otherwise missed out on. 

The reality of coming back home didn’t quite hit him until the wheels of his car touched onto the beach, the car suddenly became slightly more difficult to steer. Within moments he would have been around the corner - ready to face his family for the first time in months. 

Anxiety. Steven hated it more than anything. There was no reason to even worry about everything that he considered a threat - going back home to see a family who cared for him dearly was not a threat. He loved them to bits and he knew he was going to have a fantastic time, but the doubt in his mind told him otherwise. 

Despite speaking through everything along these lines with his therapist, it still didn’t stop him from feeling that way. No matter what - the same thought would keep repeating in his mind. Always there to remind him of his true feelings. 

What if he drove around the corner and they had forgotten he was coming? They had sent him various messages in the morning confirming if he was coming still - what a stupid and irrational thing to think. 

What if they hated him for not seeing them all sooner? No, they loved him. They wanted him to be happy. 

What if they were all lying? What if-

“Are you ready?” Connie questioned as she noticed Steven’s silence as he drove around the corner towards the house. 

“Y-yeah.” Steven half-smiled, his knuckles turning white from his strengthened grip. 

Steven gently pressed his foot on the brake, allowing the car to come to a stop. There was a silence between both Steven and Connie before the distant sound of a door swinging open was to be heard. 

“He’s here!” An excitable voice called, muffled slightly from the inside of the car. 

Steven focussed on the rocks outside the front of the house, his vocal point to get his breathing where he needed it to be. He needed to remind himself that everyone cared about him - he was not alone and he should never have to be alone with his thoughts. Steven breathed out heavily as his lips crept into a smile.

Steven opened up the car door and stepped out with his arms wide, noticing that his unorthodox family were making their way down to the beach to greet him. 

“Steven!” 

“Guys!” Steven chuckled as he suddenly felt the warm embrace of several of the most important people of his life. 

“Happy birthday, Steven.” Garnet grinned as she pulled away from the hug to get a better look at the birthday boy. 

“Oh Steven, we’re so glad you’re here! Happy birthday!” Pearl refused to let go of Steven, unlike the other two. 

“Happy birthday, Bud! Hey, look at that beard!” Amethyst pointed out almost immediately. 

“It’s not quite a beard - yet.” Steven chuckled as he awkwardly stroked the side of his face.

“Close enough!” 

“And Connie! How have you been?” Pearl questioned as she glanced up to Connie standing on the opposite side of the car with her backpack. 

“Great! Lots of school work, but I’m doing fine. Still enjoying college.” Connie smiled politely.

Steven glanced up towards the house, it felt as if he hadn’t been in there for years. He knew his bedroom had changed slightly since his dad had moved into the space - but since Greg spent most of his time on tour it rarely got used for much other than a room for Amethyst to play video games in. 

Steven had already got the message that Greg was still travelling down after Sadie Killer & The Suspects had played a show the night before. Greg wanted to make sure that he would be there and Steven had no doubt that he would be - just a bit later. 

“Steven?” Pearl glanced over to Steven who looked vacant as he continued to stare up at the house. 

“Yeah?”

“Are you coming?” Pearl questioned as she gestured towards the beach house that everyone else already seemed to be walking towards, leaving the two of them behind. 

“Y-yeah. Let me just grab my bag.” Steven stumbled on his words as he turned around to unlock the car.

He grabbed his bag from the back seat and threw it over his shoulder, deciding to leave just about everything else in the back of his car. He hoped that sleeping in the back of his car would be a distant memory - but telling everyone depended on whether or not the day went well. 

Steven had to tell them about his plan. He most certainly didn’t want to stay on the road forever and now was the perfect time to settle down. He was twenty-one. He was finally what he would consider an adult. Although being on the road allowed him to see and experience things that had never crossed his mind before was beyond him and he was incredibly grateful for what he had gotten to experience. However, there was nothing more he wanted than to settle down somewhere and find a mundane job he enjoyed doing more than anything. A normal life. 

He wanted to come home for the right reasons. He wanted to come home because he wanted to and not because of anyone else. 

As Steven walked slowly behind Pearl he looked down at his feet, instantly missing his flip flops as his boots sunk into the sand. His first call of duty would be to change his footwear.

“I’m so glad that you’re home. You’re going to love what we’ve got planned today!” Pearl grinned as they began to walk up the steps to the house. 

“I can’t wait!” Steven replied, he truly was excited for the day ahead. It was something he had been looking forward to for months. 

Pearl practically leapt up the remaining steps, excitedly making her way to the front door. Everyone else had already disappeared inside - even Connie. Steven knew in the back of his mind what was going on, but didn’t want to keep his hopes up. 

“Oh, I wonder where everyone went? I hope they’re inside.” Pearl poorly pretended to be perplexed by the situation. 

“That’s weird...” Steven cocked an eyebrow as he attempted not to laugh, playing along with the poorly scripted surprise. 

“You should probably go inside and look for them, I’ll look for them outside.” Pearl covered her mouth in an attempt to hide her sniggering. 

“Okay, sounds like a plan.” Steven stroked his chin, acting on his confusion.

He held the strap of the bag tightly across his chest as he opened the door to the beach house. He stepped inside and was genuinely surprised to see the work that had been put into his birthday. 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Connie, Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl all cheered as Steven glanced around at the decorated room. 

There were large cutout letters hanging from the beams spelling out ‘Happy 21st Birthday Steven!’, balloons pinned to everything and anything that could hold a pin, an array of his favourite foods laid out in the kitchen - there was even what looked like confetti on the floor. They had all spent a great deal of time putting everything together. 

They truly did love him. 

Steven attempted not to cry - resulting in his eyes welling against his will. 

“I hope you like it!” Pearl stepped through the doorway and placed her arm on Steven’s shoulder as they both looked into the room at the thought and care that had gone into everything. 

“Thank you! I love it!” Steven immediately turned, throwing his arms out widely and hugging Pearl tightly.

“Offtt- there’s so much to show you!” Pearl was practically winded from Steven’s sudden hug, but she didn’t mind one bit. 

Steven let go of Pearl, continuing to look at the overwhelming amount of thought that had gone into the preparations. 

“Steven, come and look at all of the food we picked out for you!” Amethyst pointed towards the colourful plastic bowls on the countertop overfilled with every sort of sweet treat or snack you could think of, from chips to wait-

“Is that beer?” Steven chuckled as he pointed to the brightly coloured cans. 

“I wanted to know what humans did when they turned twenty-one and the internet mentioned alcohol - a lot. I even found these red plastic alcohol drinking cups at the store that are commonly found at house parties. It seems to be a human right of passage and since you're legally old enough now, it seemed fitting.” Pearl proudly showed off a red solo cup from the pile that was stacked up beside the beer. 

“Oh, and I got you this poker set because the internet also said that you could gamble now. You feeling lucky, punk?” Amethyst pulled out a metallic case from underneath the counter and shook it violently with excitement. 

Steven exchanged a look of concern to both Connie and Garnet. 

“I didn’t let them buy the gun.” Garnet folded her arms as she gave Steven an apologetic look. Steven gulped heavily at the thought.

“Thank you, everyone! I...don't know what to say. Thank you.” Steven chuckled unnervingly, he was always intrigued and slightly terrified when it came to the Gems attempting to learn human norms and values. He knew they tried their hardest to do the right thing and he couldn’t have asked for anything more. 

Everyone laid their attention on Steven, all of them still in awe that he had come home. There were points in which they were worried he would never come home, finding better things elsewhere. Of course, they were far from being right. 

“We’ve got you a surprise, but it’s currently in Little Homeworld!” Pearl excitedly interrupted everyone’s thought process. 

“Oh wow, thank you! I can’t wait to see what it is.” Steven grinned, excited to know what it was. The gifts that the Gems had gotten Steven in the past had always been incredibly...interesting. However, each and every one of them had been thoughtful. The Gems always tried to go above and beyond for him and he appreciated everything that they did for him. 

“So, when are we eating the cake?” Amethyst questioned as she pointed to the chocolate cake sat on the table with the words ‘Happy 21st Birthday, Steven!’ written on the top in colourful icing. 

Steven shrugged as everyone in the room exchanged glances once again. They all chuckled to one another.

After eating a bit of cake and briefly catching up with all of the Gems, Steven decided to take some time to himself - exploring the temple to see what had changed in his absence. He had agreed to visit Little Homeworld with everyone once he had settled back in, Greg had already told Steven that the room he had in the temple was already up for grabs whilst he was away. Greg was all for sleeping in the van anyway.

Steven stepped up to his old room with his duffel bag thrown over his shoulder, Connie followed with her own bags in hand. The room was near enough the exact same as when he left it a few years ago, whilst on tour, his dad didn’t use it very much at all. It was near enough untouched aside from the video game consoles and the television that Amethyst frequently used. 

“Looks exactly how I left it.” Steven laughed as he glanced around the room, missing some of the decor that he originally had dotted around. 

“Your dad didn’t change it much…” Connie commented, realising that the room had practically stood still the whole time that Steven had gone. 

“I don’t think he’s spent much time here.” Steven glanced down at the bedside table, there were a few books balanced on top of each other - most of which were autobiographies from famous musicians. None of the spines had been broken. 

One of Greg’s guitars was hanging on the wall, Steven was surprised that he hadn’t taken it on tour with him - however, it wasn’t as if it was his one and only guitar. Steven was sure he had several in the van. 

“So, what do you think the Gems have gotten you for your birthday?” Connie questioned as she placed her bag on the floor and sat on the end of the bed. 

“Honestly? I have no idea and I’m pretty afraid to find out. Did you hear Garnet? They were going to get a gun! A gun!” Steven snorted as he sat himself down beside Connie, still taking a look around the room attempting to spot any differences. 

“Okay, that was pretty funny.”

Steven kicked his feet back and forth at the end of the bed, restless and somewhat excited for the rest of the day. 

“Hey, we should watch Dogcopter tonight - for old time’s sake? I think I still have the DVDs somewhere. What do you say, huh?” Steven nudged Connie.

“Yeah! Wow, I haven’t seen that film in so long. As long as we can watch it with Lion.” Connie stared at the glass doors out to the balcony. “Speaking of...have you seen him?”

As if on cue, there was a sudden scratching sound coming from the glass door on the opposite side of the room. Both Steven and Connie looked up to see the one and only pink lion that won over their hearts. 

“Lion!” They both cheered and jumped off the bed towards the door in unison. 

Steven pulled the door open, allowing Lion to come into the room - immediately making his way over to Connie for a hug. 

“Lion! I’ve missed you so much!” Connie gleamed as she hugged the large pink lion. She was sad that Lion couldn’t go to college with her, but there wasn’t much room for him to stay there. Lion and Connie shared an unbreakable bond. 

“Lion! It’s so good to see you!” Steven laughed as he gently petted the giant animal who had been with him through so many of his adventures.

“We should take Lion to Little Homeworld! Maybe we could meet the Gems there?” Connie suggested as Lion nuzzled his nose against her cheek. 

“Sounds like a plan. Are you up for that, Bud?” Steven questioned as he continued to stroke Lion’s mane, just lightly enough not to activate dimensional travel. 

Lion backed away from the pair before stretching downwards and roaring loudly creating a portal to what they hoped to be Little Homeworld. 

Steven and Connie exchanged looks, it had been a long time since they had travelled together with Lion. They knew that it was time for them to hop on his back and go through the portal. 

They both clambered up onto Lion’s back, they were most certainly a lot bigger than they were when they were kids - but Lion was too strong to notice any difference. 

Connie sat upfront as Steven grabbed onto her waist to hold on. Lion made sure that they were holding on tightly before jumping through the portal. 

Lion’s feet skidded across the gravel path as they found themselves in Little Homeworld. Upon first glance, nothing had changed - just as Steven had suspected. It seemed as if everything had stood still in his absence. 

“Oh my stars!!! Steven! Steven, you’re here! It’s Steven! Steven’s here!” A sudden voice began to shout within seconds of Steven being there. 

Steven chuckled as he climbed off Lion, assisting Connie as she too got down from the unorthodox mode of transportation. He knew the voice all too well, he had missed it deeply. 

“Peridot!” Steven shouted as the small green gem ran over before practically leaping towards him. Steven held out his arms as Peridot wrapped her arms around him.

“Steven! I can’t believe that you’re here with us to witness the start of your twenty-first rotation around the Sun. I’m so excited! Where are the Gems? I thought they would be here so that we can give you your gift!” Peridot smiled widely before questioning the location of the other Gems. 

“I’ll text them now.” Steven reached for his phone and sent a quick text to the Gems, telling them to warp over asap. 

“Connie’s here too! A Crystal Gem family reunion!” Peridot excitedly pointed towards Connie. 

“Where’s Bismuth and Lapis?” Connie asked as Peridot grabbed ahold of both Steven and Connie’s hands. 

“They’re over here, they were just finishing up with a little surprise for you.” 

“Surprise?” Steven cocked an eyebrow. 

“We thought we’d do something special for you, Steven. We haven’t seen you in so long.” Peridot continued to drag the pair across Little Homeworld as Lion happily plodded along behind them.

Steven stared off into the distance, as appreciative as he was with everyone spoiling him the way they did, he felt a little uncomfortable. He hadn’t given any of the Gems the same amount of attention that they had given him, he didn’t deserve any of this. Why did they still care for him? 

He was starting to feel vacant once again. 

Peridot dragged both Steven and Connie to a section of Little Homeworld that had been decorated for Steven’s arrival. Just like there were decorations back in the beach house, there were similar decorations hanging up in the open space between two buildings. 

Not only was there the usual party decorations, but there was also a huge banner spanning across the two buildings repeating the same message that he had already seen in the beach house ‘Happy 21st Birthday Steven’. 

“Ta-da! Amazing, right?” Peridot let go of both of them before pointing towards all of the hard work that she put into setting everything up. 

“Woah, this is amazing!” Connie commented, they had put in a lot of effort into making it look as good as it did. 

“Wow...thanks.” Steven stared up at his name painted on the fabric above. He felt so small. 

“Steven, you’re here!” Lapis gasped as she noticed the small party arriving, taking her attention away from the bunting that she was attempting to stick between the buildings. 

“Lapis! It’s really good to see you.” Steven smiled as he noticed the door to the side of him began to open. 

“Is that Steven Universe I hear?” Bismuth suddenly gasped as she exited the building, catching the attention of both Steven and Connie. 

“Bismuth!” Steven gasped.

Bismuth immediately leapt over to Steven, picking him up and placing him on her shoulder. He had gotten pretty big, but Bismuth was up for the challenge. Bismuth suddenly took Connie by surprise, grabbing her and placing her on her other shoulder. 

“We have a Steven and we have a Connie! The perfect pair, look at you! Oh wow, I love you both so much - you’re both so adorable!” Bismuth happily exclaimed as she paraded both Steven and Connie around on her shoulders. 

Connie held tightly onto Bismuth’s shoulder as she laughed at her comments, Steven copied her actions. In that one moment, everything he was worried about disappeared. It wouldn’t have been a feeling that lasted for long, but it was certainly one that he wanted to treasure. He loved being with the people he loved. 

Bismuth leant down, allowing the pair to step down from her shoulders and stand on their own two feet once again. 

“Happy birthday, Steven.” Bismuth commented as Steven turned around to face her. 

“Thank you.” Steven hugged her in response. 

“So, are you ready to have a super fun birthday?” Bismuth questioned as she placed her hands on her hips. 

“I guess?” Steven rubbed the back of his neck. Fun? Oh no, that didn't sound good. That sounded...childish. He wasn't in the mood for 'fun'.

“That doesn’t sound very enthusiastic. Everything okay?” Bismuth looked down at Steven with concern in her eyes. 

“Everything’s fine.” Steven reassured. Everything was too...complicated. 

“Good! You’re going to love everything that we’ve done. Peridot and Lapis have been working incredibly hard to decorate. They’re incredibly...artistic.”

Bismuth smiled down at Steven before gently patting his back. 

“What have we missed?” Amethyst suddenly shouted, announcing the arrival of herself, Pearl and Garnet. 

“We’re all here! Does that mean that we can show Steven his birthday gift now?” Peridot questioned. Incredibly excited about being able to show Steven the gift that they had all had an input in getting for him. 

“Not just yet, Steven needs to be wearing this first!” Pearl instructed as she came into view of Steven. 

She was carrying something in her arms, Steven couldn’t quite make it out at first and then...oh no…

Steven really hoped that what he saw wasn’t what he thought it was. He really wasn’t in the mood to wear something so...degrading. He wasn’t a kid anymore. 

“Pearl...don’t you think I’m a tad too old for that now?” Steven furrowed his eyebrows, gritting his teeth together. 

“Nonsense, you’re never too old for a birthday!” Pearl stepped towards Steven, a red crown in her hands and a cloak draped over her arm. Pearl placed the crown on top of Steven’s head as he grimaced at the gesture. 

Steven suddenly realised Pearl’s outlook on birthday had come from his stupid younger self and his idea that birthdays were the best thing in the world. Birthdays weren’t what they once were. Sure, they could be fun - but it was just another painful reminder that you had spent another year on the earth doing near to nothing with your life. Birthdays were depressing. He has suddenly decided that he hated the idea of birthdays. 

Steven pushed the crown up slightly from where Pearl had put it too low on his forehead, nearly covering his eyes. She carefully draped the cloak around Steven as he stood as still as possible - hoping that the whole experience would be over soon.

“Perfect!” 

Steven forced a smile, showing off his teeth in the process. 

“So now that Steven’s wearing his ceremonial attire we can proceed with the gift-giving? Right?” Peridot questioned once again, growing incredibly impatient. 

“Yeah, c’mon P’ - we want to see the gift!” Amethyst gave her input. 

“Fine, we’ll go now. Steven, are you ready?” Pearl asked as she turned to Steven.

Steven nodded his head, feeling like an idiot in the outfit that has been so important to him so many years before. Something about this year just didn’t seem right. There was so much looming over him that it was hard to concentrate on all of the things that he would usually deem so exciting and fun. 

What the Gems were doing for him was way beyond what he deserved. He was an incredibly lousy person and for them to love and appreciate him this much, it just didn’t sit right with him in that moment of time. He had so much anxiety regarding his family - who just like once before believed that everything was fine when the reality was that everything was most certainly...not. 

All of Steven’s concerns were valid but incredibly illogical. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t seem to get his emotions to sit right. It was in that moment that despite being surrounded by everyone who loved him dearly - he felt alone. 

He felt alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The response that this story is getting is incredible. As someone who has been writing fanfiction since I was 14, I have always loved the responses that people give. I love writing stories so that people can feel something, mostly so people can laugh and cry all within one paragraph haha! 
> 
> A couple of years ago I self-published my own novel and I didn't market it well enough to receive much response. I wanted people to love and hate the characters I'd created. I wanted them to feel something. I lost my love for writing through creating it, not having written anything noteworthy in a few years after watching the end of SU I felt the need to tell a story.
> 
> THIS. This story has inspired me to write again. The comments I've received and the responses on Tumblr have been so inspirational to me. There may not be a whole lot in comparison to others, but that doesn't matter, even just seeing the kudos numbers going up each day is enough to make me continue. It's enough to inspire me to write more and not just this story, but others. When you leave comments on people's work or even just drop a like, don't underestimate that power. It's a powerful thing and I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who has interacted with or read this story. 
> 
> You've inspired me to continue doing what I love. Thank you.


	5. On My Mind.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven receives a big surprise from the Gems. It's perfect - or is it?
> 
> Connie finally discovers exactly what's running through Steven's mind and it isn't pretty...

Pearl had instructed that everyone would need to go on a short walk to get to where Steven’s gift was as it was situated on the other side of Little Homeworld. Nobody seemed to mind the walk - apart from Steven who awkwardly trailed behind holding onto the birthday cloak that he was wearing. 

“It suits you.” Connie chuckled as she walked beside Steven.

“This? Yeah…” Steven laughed, knowing just how ridiculous he must have looked in the outfit. 

“What do you think your gift will be?” 

“I have no idea…” Steven shook his head, unable to fathom what the Gems could have possibly gotten him. Especially something that was hinted that they had all worked on to put together. 

“Connie? Are you able to put this blindfold on Steven? We want it to be a surprise!” Pearl stopped in her tracks, allowing Connie to catch up before passing her a long piece of black cloth. 

Connie nodded as she spun on her heels and stopped Steven from walking any further. 

“A blindfold?” Steven sighed as Connie stepped around him, placing the blindfold over his eyes and tying it up behind his head. 

“Sorry, they’re instructions from the boss.” Connie apologised as she finished tying the knot. 

Connie hooked her arm around Steven’s to help guide him forward, Steven accepted the help - blinded from the world and incredibly susceptible to falling over on his face. More so than usual. 

“I see it! We’re here!” Peridot screeched, running towards the object that was covered by a large white sheet. 

Everyone stopped, all of them excited with anticipation for the big reveal. Steven was nervous to know what they had gotten him, considering there was so much hype around what it could have been. Everyone seemed a lot more excited to give the gift to Steven than he was to receive it. 

“Okay Steven, we really hope that you like what we’ve made. Each and every one of us had some kind of input into making this and we hope that it can help you out now and in the future.” Pearl explained, Steven listened contently, completely blinded by the black fabric over his eyes. 

“Everyone ready?” Steven heard Garnet ask. 

“Okay, blindfold off!” Pearl instructed as Steven used that as his cue to lift the blindfold above his eyes. 

Steven’s eyes quickly adjusted to the light, allowing him to see what was an incredibly large object covered by a white sheet. Lapis, Peridot and Bismuth stood around it, their hands holding onto the white sheet. 

Suddenly, they pulled the sheet away revealing the object underneath. 

Steven’s heart dropped at the sight. 

It couldn’t be what he thought it was. It couldn’t. No…

“Happy birthday, Steven!” Everyone cheered in unison, followed by lots of claps and cheers. 

Steven blinked rapidly at the gift before him.

A van. 

Not any kind of van - a van completely customised to Steven himself. A black van with the Crystal Gem star printed on the sides. 

“We made this van from scratch! Bismuth built the initial carcass of the van, Peridot and I worked on all the technical aspects, Amethyst and Garnet worked on the interior design whilst Lapis was in charge of the paint. 310 horsepower with a turbocharged 3.5-litre V6 engine. We thought that it would be a good upgrade from your car when you’re travelling. We’ve made it a lot more comfortable inside, I can imagine it being a lot nicer than sleeping in that car of yours!” Pearl explained the building process. 

“Steven! Come and look inside!” Lapis shouted, gesturing for Steven to have a look at the van. She pulled the door on the side of the van open, sliding the door over so that Steven could have a look inside. 

Steven walked over towards the van, unable to express any words as to how he was feeling. 

He glanced inside of the van, it was nothing like what he had imagined the back of the van to look like. 

“We thought that Greg’s idea of living in a van was rather...primitive - so although we took inspiration, we tried to make it as comfortable to live in as possible.” Pearl explained as she held out her palm and gestured for Steven to have a further look inside. 

The entire back of the van had been turned into the perfect living space. There was a bed positioned at the very back of the van, storage units tucked underneath. On either side of the van leading to the bed there were countertops and more storage. There was even what looked to be a mini-fridge tucked under one of the counters. 

Steven climbed into the back of the van, completely shocked by what he was seeing. There was even thick carpet under his flip flops - something that he expected in a home, not the back of a van. 

He turned around and looked into the front of the van. The front two seats were a mixture of black and cream leather, both with two armrests. The dash was incredibly clean and glistened in the light, there was a built-in satnav and a fancy looking music player. Steven even noticed the cup holders that had been conveniently placed right beside the driver’s seat. 

Steven clambered forward, sitting himself down in the driver’s seat and adjusting it to get himself comfortable. He stared out at the field ahead as he gripped onto the steering wheel to get a feel of the van. 

“So, what do you think?” Pearl asked as she joined Steven in the front, sitting herself down in the passenger seat. 

Steven tapped his fingers against the wheel, nervously attempting to create a response within his mind as he sat with little dignity in his crown and robe. Everyone was standing around the outside of the van, patiently awaiting a response. 

Steven couldn’t quite comprehend his feelings. The Gems had done such an incredibly nice thing for him, he couldn’t believe how much effort they had put in to create the perfect van for him. It was everything that on the road, he had wished for. 

He felt guilt flood over him like a wave. He had led the Gems to believe that travelling was the best thing for him, so much so that that’s where they believed he should be. They didn’t want him here, they wanted him out on the road. They wanted to get him a nicer place to stay so that he would stay on the road for longer. 

How was he supposed to tell them that this wasn’t what he wanted? 

How was he supposed to tell them that he wanted to come home - for good? 

How was he supposed to tell them that being alone in the middle of nowhere for months wasn’t doing him any favours?

How was he supposed to tell them that every moment of every day he felt so awful deep down that some days he didn’t even leave his car?

How was he supposed to tell them how sad and alone he really felt when he had so many people around him? 

How was he supposed to-

“I love it!” Steven grinned, pushing through his negative thoughts. 

“Do you want to take it for a spin?” Pearl dangled a single key in front of Steven, attached was a small note which read ‘happy birthday, Steven’ - just like pretty much everything else he had seen that day. 

Steven held out his hands and nodded as Pearl dropped the key into his palms. She turned and opened the door.

“Hey, Connie! Want to try out this new ride with Steven?” Pearl asked as she jumped out the side of the van. 

“Yeah! It’s amazing, I can’t believe you all made this!” Connie stared in awe at the van. It was crazy to think that with all of their skills combined they had made something so wonderful for the person that they all cared so deeply about. 

“A little bit of patience and teamwork can go a long way!” Bismuth pitched in. 

Connie climbed into the large van, noticing how distant Steven’s stare was - she could tell that something was horribly wrong. 

“We’ll meet you back at the beach house?” Connie held onto the door.

“See you there!” Peridot waved.

“No driving across the country without saying goodbye first!” Amethyst quipped, her comment going straight to Steven’s head. 

“I promise I won’t!” Steven poked his head past Connie, waving at them all with a cheery smile. 

Connie waved as she shut the door. Filling the car with silence, the only noise to be heard was the mumbling chatter of the Gems outside. Steven twisted the key in the ignition and the van started up. 

Steven didn’t even bother to wave out of the window as he started the car up and began to drive. As he got it onto the main road he realised how well it drove, they had all created a work of art. 

Connie sat awkwardly in the seat beside Steven, twiddling her thumbs whilst attempting to think of something to say that wouldn’t get a heated emotional response. She knew that Steven was upset, but sometimes she thought it was better for him to attempt to reason with his own thoughts before she would jump in and help, unless of course - he asked her for help first. 

Once the van was out of sight of the Gems Steven ripped the cloak around his neck off before throwing it behind him, closely followed by a swift throw of the birthday crown. Connie listened to the crown bounce on the carpet behind. 

Steven stared at the road ahead, he knew he was getting overly emotional about nothing. Stupid. Why couldn’t he just be grateful for what everyone had given him? He was grateful - he just didn’t deserve it. 

His eyes began to tear up. He couldn’t hold it back any longer. Steven pressed his foot against the brake, stopping the car at the side of the road. He tried to stop his tears from being seen, but within a couple of seconds he broke into a violent cry. He held the steering wheel as tightly as he could without breaking it, turning his knuckles an unhealthy shade of white until they weren't white at all. They had turned a completely different colour. 

“Steven?” Connie unbuckled her seatbelt as soon as the van had stopped, twisting in her seat and looking towards him - noticing the phenomenon she hadn’t seen happen to him in years. 

He was glowing pink. 

Steven sobbed, his eyes scrunched together in a sorry attempt to stop the tears. His chest was tight, he couldn’t breathe - he couldn’t concentrate. 

Memories suddenly flooded back to him - everything. Why? Today of all days. He didn’t want this. He didn’t need this. He didn’t deserve this. 

He did deserve this. 

He had a loving family who gave him wonderful gifts and looked after him. That was a luxury that some people didn’t get and he was taking it for granted. He was a horrible person. His emotions weren’t valid. 

“S-Steven...you need to breathe.” Connie furrowed her eyebrows, this had happened before in her presence and the last time didn’t turn out so well. She didn’t want him to witness the pain that he went through last time again. 

Connie was right. He needed to breathe - just as his therapist had taught him and that he had practised every morning for years. 

In, one, two, three and five. 

Out, one, two, three and five. 

In, one, t-the Gems must really think that you don’t care now. You didn’t even thank them properly for the van that they had worked hard on. What sort of person are you?

“I can’t! I can’t do this anymore!” Steven shouted, running his fingers through his hair and pulling tightly. It was sad to know that what he had learnt wasn’t something that he could put into practice when the time came to use it. 

“We could try together?” Connie suggested, reaching out her hand for Steven to hold.

Steven held onto his hair that he was violently pulling before staring down at Connie’s open hand. He stopped for a moment, exchanging glances between Connie’s kind eyes and her palm. Steven reached out and slowly grabbed ahold of her hand. 

She looked incredibly calm considering the circumstances, her psychotic boyfriend was- GLOWING PINK?!?! 

Steven audibly gasped at the sight of his own hand touching Connie, not realising that he was experiencing an outbreak. He hadn’t glowed in months and he certainly didn’t want to glow in front of anyone back at home. 

His mind was so conflicting. If they found out that he was having flare-ups of glowing pink again everyone would want him to come home, but for the wrong reasons. Steven wanted to come home on his own terms - not to be smothered into never being allowed out on his own again. 

Steven had to try and be calm. He didn’t want to glow pink and if that’s what he wanted he was going to have to control his breathing. Truly hone into what he had been taught. 

Connie took a deep breath inwards and Steven followed her lead. They both sat in silence, holding hands and controlling their breathing the best that they could. 

Steven closed his eyes, concentrating as hard as he possibly could on the way that he was breathing. He had to try and empty his mind to try and be calm enough so he could talk to Connie about his conundrum he had no idea to solve. She always seemed to give him sensible answers. 

Steven kept his eyes closed, unsure how much time had passed as he continued to breathe the pattern that he had been taught. He slowly opened his eyes, bringing his attention to Connie who was still sitting holding his hand. 

Connie had a kind smile spread across her face, looking at him sympathetically. He glanced down at his hand, he was no longer pink. 

He moved his hand away from Connie, studying both of his hands carefully in front of his face to make sure that he wasn’t still glowing. He looked through the window at one of the wing-mirrors. Despite his eyes being red from his tears, he was no longer pink. 

“The van is so perfect. I hate it.” Steven sighed, anxiously slotting his fingers together and staring downwards. 

“You hate it?” 

“N-no, I love it. I love it too much. I know it doesn’t make much sense - but I love it so much that I hate it. I hate it...” Steven attempted to explain, his feelings suddenly felt incredibly numb. 

“You know this van doesn’t mean you have to stay, right?” Connie softly asked she had somewhat of a brief idea what may have been running through Steven’s mind. 

Steven paused, continuing to stare down at his hands. 

“How am I supposed to tell them that this isn’t something that I want? How do I tell them after they put so much time into making it especially for me? I can’t live in a van - even one as nice as this, I’m not my dad. I don’t want that. I don’t want this.” Steven sighed, gently cupping his hands to cover his face.

“It’s okay-”

“It’s not okay. I’m a terrible person, I should be grateful for this and yet here I am feeling sorry for myself for no reason. It’s ridiculous. I’m a complete and utter joke.” Steven threw his hands outwards, expressing his frustration. 

“You’re allowed to feel that way. Don’t beat yourself up for having emotions.” Connie attempted to get through to Steven. 

“I don’t feel happy, even when I’m happy it just feels like a mask that I put on to please other people. The only thing I learnt on the road attempting to be a normal human was that I’m not a normal human being. I’m a freak. I can’t relate to anything or anyone that doesn’t come from space. I just don’t get it and I’m so sick of trying to pretend I do. I don’t know who to blame for this, my mom? My dad? The Gems? Over and over, it’s all I seem to think about and yet when I’m not thinking about that I’m thinking about something else that’s completely irrational. Something so stupidly untrue, but in the moment I can’t help but believe it. I’m always stuck between doing what’s best for myself and what’s best for other people and neither of these options satisfies me with any answers that I’m looking for. I pick one option and I’m a horrible person, I pick the other and I’m a mess. I want to stop travelling because I’m afraid - I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of being in the middle of nowhere with my own thoughts - I’ve been there before and they’re terrifying. Everyone thinks that travelling will change you for the better, but this has become the lowest point in my life and I want it to stop. I don’t want to come home because I feel like I have to, I want to come home on my own terms because I want to. I’m just so...tired.” Steven ranted with passion as Connie carefully listened to every word. 

Connie wasn’t quite sure how to digest the words that Steven had said with such concern in his tone. She somewhat felt guilty that she wasn’t completely aware of the full situation that he had been battling in his mind, hiding it behind a facade of sweet phone calls and photographs. She could tell something was wrong and had done for months, but never to the extent that he was expressing. 

There was one positive to it all - unlike when his first mental breakdown occurred. This time he was able to rationalise his emotions and talk about them...in a slightly healthier manner than before. His therapist’s advice had gotten through to him - at least some of it. 

“It’s okay to feel all of these things. You’re completely valid in your reasoning, but you need to let people help you. You need to speak to the Gems about it, you know that they’ll be more than accommodating to letting you stay and you know when the time is right they would help you to find a place of your own. I’ll help you to find a place of your own - a place where you’ll feel comfortable and happy.”

“You just don’t understand. Changing where I live isn’t going to solve the problem - I am the problem.” Steven snapped back. 

“Steven, you’re not a problem.”

“You’re not listening to me, you don’t care! You’re just like my therapist, telling me that you’ll listen - but you don’t! Everything I say that comes out negatively just gets reflected back to me in a positive light. That’s not something that helps people, it just makes them feel worse about themselves because they can’t believe the positives like you do. It’s all complete and utter SHIT!” Steven raised his voice before folding over his arms and staring through the window at the road ahead. Maybe Connie didn't help out as much as he had first thought. 

“Woah! That was incredibly uncalled for. I’m only trying to help.” Connie glared at Steven with sunken eyebrows. She had never witnessed him saying such hurtful words before, especially not about her.

“It’s not helping, Connie. This doesn't just go away with a few magical words. It’s not that simple.” Steven pinched the bridge of his nose. 

Connie turned away from Steven, incredibly upset with his tone and comments against her. He had been aggressive with his emotions before, but never to her. Of course, he was incredibly stubborn and could sometimes come across as insensitive towards others emotions when he believed he was doing the right thing. Connie hated when he did that. 

“I think I’m going to walk back. I’ll meet you there.” Connie sighed, opening the van door and climbing out. 

Steven listened to the door shut, the sound rattling his entire body. He looked up only to see Connie holding herself as she walked alongside the road into Beach City. 

Oh...

What had he done? 

Connie was right, she was just trying to help. Steven was being incredibly selfish with his actions and words. Regardless of how he felt in that moment, that wasn’t who he wanted to be no matter how low his mood became. He most certainly didn’t want to break his bond with Connie.

Steven was quick to react, opening the car door and practically falling out in the process. 

“Connie!” Steven panicked, stumbling as he exited the van, sloppily shutting the door. 

Connie continued to walk, not bothering to turn around in response to Steven’s calls.

“Connie! Please wait!” Steven called as he picked up his pace to catch up. 

Connie stopped walking, hearing Steven’s footsteps as he got closer. 

“Connie, I’m really sorry. I’m just...not in a good place. I’m struggling and I need help, but I need to make myself believe I deserve that help.” Steven sighed heavily as he spoke his last words, stood behind Connie practically begging her to speak to him. 

There was a silence between them both, a tension that neither of them could break. Connie refused to turn around. 

“Connie, please speak to me.” Steven lifted his hand, about to touch Connie’s shoulder to get her attention. Before he could even make the connection she had spun on her heels to face him. 

“Do you know how hard it is to see you like that when there’s nothing that I can say or do to make any of it better? I may not say the right thing and I may not do the right thing but I try, Steven. I’ve always tried for you and I always will and I’m sorry if you think I’m not doing that. But don’t ever tell me that I don’t care about you because you know it’s not true.” Connie tearfully expressed her feelings to Steven who stood in front of her in shock. He was expecting something...but it wasn’t that. 

“I-I’m sorry.” 

“You’re not a problem to anyone but yourself. You’re the one hurting yourself - nobody else. We’re all here to support you through whatever you need, but don’t take it out on us. We all love you and anything you say or do isn’t going to change that, we just want you to be happy with who you are. Don’t think for a second that the Gems made you that van so that they could push you away, they want you to be with them, but they’re respecting your choices to stay away from home because they believe it’s what makes you happy. That's what people who love you do. At the moment, you need to do whatever is going to make you feel better. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You need to move back home. You need that support system to get better.” 

“Bu-”

“I wouldn’t feel happy knowing that you’re out there on your own. I’m worried about you.” Connie looked at Steven with heavy eyes, watching him take in everything that she was saying so carefully. 

After everything that Steven had commented on back in the van, Connie had become incredibly worried for his wellbeing. The thoughts that he had spoken about did not seem healthy. It made her worry about the possibility that he would be having thoughts about harming himself - if he hadn’t already experienced them. 

The sheer amount of stress and trauma that Steven had experienced from such a young age had taken an incredible toll on him. For years he was able to block it from getting to him, but now that he had finally seen another side to the earth he came to the realisation that he had spent a long time looking through rose-coloured glasses to keep his head afloat.

His years discovering the country were there to help him find out what it was like to be a human. He wanted to experience life like everyone else, however, unfortunately, that was a pipedream. He wasn’t like everyone else and never would be no matter how much he tried. His past would always get in the way of who he wanted to become. 

Steven stepped forwards before wrapping his arms around Connie and gently resting his head in the crook of her neck. Connie copied his actions, holding him as she cried softly. 

The pair stood at the side of the road, holding each other as they both gently sobbed over their combined pain for the situation. This wasn’t exactly how they had expected the day to pan out. 

It was hard for Steven to begin to fathom what he was feeling, even he couldn’t decode the illogical mess that was his mind. This wasn’t like before, this was worse. Sure, he could control it getting out of hand like last time, but turning into a giant monster was the least of his worries. It was in the back of his mind, but he wasn’t that out of control that something like that could happen. At least he hoped it wouldn't get to that point.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Steven mumbled, genuinely terrified that his poor choice of words had cost him his soulmate. 

“You won’t lose me.” Connie sniffed. 

Steven slowly lifted his head, finally looking Connie in her eyes red with sadness. He couldn’t quite believe he had hurt his best friend through his words, the way that he felt for Connie outweighed everything else. She cared about him - too much. 

Would Connie be better off without him? 

What a ridiculous thought.

If Steven wasn’t in her life she wouldn’t have been subjected to such dangerous things. She wouldn’t have to experience the pain that Steven was going through. She wouldn’t have to listen to him vent about his problems. She wouldn’t have to care. She wouldn’t have to love him. 

Stop it. 

“But what if I’m like this forever? What if I keep having these breakdowns? What if I keep hurting you?” Steven’s tone had changed dramatically since being in the van, from being incredibly aggressive to being persistently panicked. 

“You’re not alone, we’re going to find you some help. We’ll all be there for you - no matter what.” Connie couldn’t help but feel sympathy for Steven’s situation. He had been through a lot and she loved him no matter what. 

“I’m s-scared, Connie.” Steven’s bottom lip trembled as he spoke, Connie unable to stop herself from crying. 

“Oh Steven…”

“This isn’t who I want to be, I know that I’m better than this - but my mind can’t seem to shake these thoughts telling me otherwise. I want to get better and I thought I was...I thought that travelling would solve everything and to begin with - it did! That first year was one of the best years of my life, I saw so much! In the second year, I saw things about myself that I wasn’t proud of. There were so many days where I got up just to answer your phone calls, only to spend the rest of the day in the back of my car feeling sorry for myself. I just couldn’t help it. I just...I couldn’t face another day with myself.” Steven admitted some of his deepest thoughts. He knew that Connie would never judge him. He trusted her with everything. 

“Steven...why didn’t you tell me you felt like this? You know I would have listened. It’s not good to bottle things up as you have been.” Connie used her thumb to wipe away a tear that was trickling down his cheek. Steven copied her action, doing the same for a runaway tear on her cheek. 

“I didn’t want to distract you from your college work. I know how important that is to you. I didn’t want to ruin it.” 

“But you’re important to me too!” 

“I thought life wouldn’t be so complicated when I wasn’t spending it fighting intergalactic threats. At least back when I used to fight with Gems I could see what I was up against. This is an invisible enemy that I have no idea how to get rid of.” Steven explained his feelings the only way he knew how.

“You’re going to get through this. It may take time, but it’ll pass.”

“I want to be happy.”

“You can be, just take it one day at a time.” Connie showed Steven a slight smile. 

“One day at a time.” 

“Starting with today?”

“I-”

“Don’t let this ruin your birthday, you deserve the best birthday ever. You can still enjoy it.” She tilted her head as she placed her hands on his shoulders. 

“The van…” Steven glanced behind him to see the van still sat on the side of the road. A reminder of his slight tantrum and ungrateful attitude. 

He loved it and he wanted to tell the Gems how much he loved it, but he felt bad for accepting the gift. He was worried he wouldn’t use it for its intended purpose. 

“It’s really cool, it would be a shame for you not to drive it. Anyway, even if you do come home that doesn’t mean that having a home on wheels would be a bad thing! It’s a pretty useful thing to have, regardless of where you live.” Connie easily pointed out the positive aspects of the gift. There wasn’t exactly anything negative to say about it. It was perfect. 

“You’re right, I need to thank the Gems for it properly. They put a lot of hard work into making it. I just...don’t know how to tell them about staying.” Steven sighed. 

“You know they’re going to be so excited for you to come home.” Connie spoke with truth in her words. Of course, the Gems would be incredibly happy to see Steven at home. They loved him around and the past two years without him there had been incredibly lonely and quiet. 

The Gems had other business to attend to, but the beach house sure was lonely without Steven. It was always nice to have his input on things and without him around they didn’t seem to get that without a phone call. 

“We should probably get back…” 

“Are you going to be...okay?” Connie held onto his hands, asking the question sincerely. She was concerned about how he may have acted going back to the Gems after what had happened. 

“I guess we’ll find out.” Steven snorted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted Steven to swear...once. Y'know when you have a TV show where they only allow one 'f-bomb' a season and they have to use that f-bomb wisely. I thought Steven's 'sh*t' could essentially be that. A moment where he's so emotionally fuelled, he has no idea how else to express himself. 
> 
> Yeah? 
> 
> Cool, well we know he's an innocent bean so there's enough of that disgusting behaviour. (This is coming from the person who wrote a book with over 800 curse words in it. Haha whoops.)


	6. The Void.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven's thoughts start to unravel. 
> 
> Spoiler alert: IT'S NOT GOOD!

Steven was incredibly embarrassed with the behaviour that he had exhibited in front of Connie. He knew that what he had said to her was unfair, there was no reason for him to be rude. Connie did everything that she possibly could to support Steven in everything that he did. She always had and the likelihood was that she always would. 

The pair walked back to the van hand in hand, Steven was thankful that she had forgiven the way that he had spoken to her. He wasn’t the sort of person to get into arguments, at least he didn’t mean to be. 

Connie had always been good to him and it would have been wrong to treat her any different. Steven loved her and it would have been a kick in the teeth to treat her any less than she deserved. He wished he could make it up to her, despite being what some people may have only seen as a small misunderstanding. 

“Look at it! It even has carpet!” Steven pointed out as he slid the back of the van open to allow Connie to get a better look. 

Steven stepped into the back of the van and glanced down at the birthday crown and cloak that he had thrown on the floor in a fit of rage. He picked up the hat and placed it on top of his head before picking up the cloak and placing it over his shoulders - maybe he did like birthday traditions after all. 

“King Steven, do I have permission to enter your private quarters?” Connie put on a silly accent as she stood up straight by the door. 

“Of course, m'lady.” Steven smirked as he held out his hand.

Connie grabbed onto his hand as she stepped up into the van. The van was huge in comparison to Greg’s and certainly felt more like home. It was more along the lines of a caravan than it was a van. A home.

Steven pulled Connie towards him, he no longer felt stupid in the birthday hat - instead, he felt confident and special. It was his birthday and he deserved to be happy. 

Sure, there was a slight hiccup and the day didn’t exactly pan out to his expectations, but he was happy to be spending most of it with Connie regardless of how he felt. His mind kept troubling him, violently thinking about how his mood could switch so quickly. It worried him. He desperately wanted to feel better and yet there was another part of him that didn’t want that. 

Why didn’t he want to be happy? 

“Okay...this is really nice.” Connie exclaimed as she looked around the van, Steven still holding onto her. 

“Yeah...it is.” Steven wasn’t quite sure whether she was speaking about the moment they were sharing together or the van, either way, he agreed with the statement. 

“Well, if you won’t live here then I think I might have to.” Connie teased.

“I’m not quite sure if they’ll let you live on the college campus in a van…” Steven chuckled. 

There were so many different things that Steven could use the van for, including, but not limited to travelling. Even if he were just to use the van to visit people, then it wouldn’t have been such a waste. As much as he could imagine it being sat on the driveway of the new house he envisioned - he liked to think that he could use it to visit the people he cared about. 

What if he decided to live a few hours away from the Gems? He could have always used it for travelling back and forth to visit the Gems. That and well...Lion would hopefully want to live with him too. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what his new neighbours would think about that. 

He was getting ahead of himself. He hadn’t even looked at any houses yet. He had no idea where he wanted to settle. It was impossible to think about. 

“Well, they can always try and stop me.” Connie shrugged.

“I think the Gems will be wondering if we’ve gotten lost or...worse.” Steven anxiously stared past Connie. It was worse than getting lost, he had just allowed Connie to witness one of his many mental breakdowns. He was a mess. 

Connie hoped that once they went back to the Gems that Steven would tell them about wanting to stay there for a lot longer than one night, but that was down to Steven. As much as she wanted to tell the Gems herself - it wasn’t her decision and she knew that. It was best to let Steven mention it in his own time, with some slight encouragement. 

“Maybe your dad’s arrived?” 

“Yeah…” Steven was excited to see his dad, but he certainly didn’t want to speak to him about his issues. He also knew that when seeing his dad he would have to ask to borrow a lot of money to get a house. He knew he would pay his dad back every penny, but that didn’t stop him from feeling guilty. 

Steven had worked a few jobs over his years on the road, most of which were volunteering jobs where he was caring for other people. He did work in a diner for a short period of time and although he loved serving people and chatting to them, he somewhat struggled with a lot of the academic side of the job. Steven wasn’t stupid by any means, but not having a basic understanding of mathematic fundamentals caused him to struggle when it came to handling cash. He had learnt a lot, but it was by no means easy. 

It worried him when he thought about the future. Was Steven going to be jobless? 

Steven let go of Connie and made his way to the front of the van to sit in the driver’s seat. Connie shut the sliding door at the side of the van and joined him in the passenger seat. Steven stared at the steering wheel and sighed. 

Why did he keep getting hit with waves of sadness? He wanted to be happy. Why couldn’t he be happy? Who did this to him? Why did the universe torture him with these thoughts when he had done so much good? Did karma not apply to him? 

“I’m going to ask my dad about borrowing money from him. A lot of money. So that I can buy a house.” Steven tapped his thumbs against the steering wheel as he spoke. 

“That’s...good?” 

“You mentioned you'd help me look for a house, does that still apply? Maybe on the weekends? I’m worried I might end up picking the wrong one in the wrong place.” Steven awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Yeah, of course! That will be fun. Need to make sure that we find you the best house imaginable. One that has a nice yard so that you can get all the garden furniture you were after.” Connie sniggered, she was more than happy to help Steven find somewhere that he could be happy. 

“Okay good because I don’t think I’ll be able to find the perfect one without you. You’re good at this kind of thing.” Steven smiled at Connie. 

“I mean, I’ve never bought a house before - but I’ll try my best to help.” Connie tittered as she shrugged.

“Sounds like a plan.” Steven confirmed as he twisted the key in the ignition and started the van. 

Steven drove back to the beach house in near silence with Connie. What seemed like minutes ago he was having an awful time in his mind, only to be calmed down by Connie. She was incredibly good at helping him with his feelings and he truly was grateful for everything that she did for him. He couldn’t begin to thank her enough. 

Steven would have done anything for Connie and he should have realised by now that she would have done the same for him. No matter the circumstance. 

Steven parked the van just outside of the beach house, he was still wearing his birthday attire as he stepped out of the van and found his flip flops touching the sand below. He looked up to notice the second van that was parked in the distance. 

His dad was here. 

Steven hadn’t seen his dad in a long time, not as long as he had gone without seeing the Gems, but longer than he had gone without seeing Connie. It wasn’t Steven’s fault when it came to long stretches of time without visiting his dad. 

His dad was busy managing a band on tour and Steven was more than happy for him to continue with that dream. Sadie Killer and the Suspects were getting pretty popular and it would have been foolish for them to slow down any time soon. Steven wanted the best for them. 

The last time that Steven had seen his dad they just so happened to be in the same state at the same time and Steven managed to catch the show. It was really fun to see Sadie and the gang in their element when it came to the music that they played. Everyone was having so much fun at the concert and Steven loved every moment.

Steven spent a lot of the concert on the side stage with his dad, watching the band and how well they interacted with the crowd. Steven had never seen Sadie in such a great place. She truly was having the time of her life and the fanbase that they had gathered loved each and every one of them. 

Steven and Connie walked up the steps to the beach house, holding each other's hand without even realising. The act just seemed to come so naturally to them. 

Steven opened the door to the beach house and stepped inside. Everyone was inside. At least, most of the people that he considered family. The Crystal Gems and his dad. 

“Steven, you’re home!” Greg threw his hands in the air as he ran over to the door to hug Steven. 

Steven laughed as Greg held him tightly, he had missed his dad being around to give him useless tips about life. He very much appreciated them, most of which he still gave over phone calls and texts containing outdated memes and song recommendations. 

“Hey, dad!” 

“Hey Steven, what do you think of the van? Are you digging your new ride?” Amethyst questioned, sat upon the countertop. Everyone at the room stared up in anticipation for an answer, they were all excited to hear what Steven thought of his gift. After all, they had all put so much effort into making sure that it was perfect. 

“A new van? I can’t wait to see this!” Greg let go of Steven.

Steven glanced around the room, seeing the happy smiles on everyone in the room. All waiting for an answer. He...loved the van - he couldn’t deny that. 

“You guys thought of everything! It’s perfect! It drives so smoothly and has a bed in the back, it’s crazy. The colour is just perfect and the seats? They’re so comfortable! Dad, you’re going to love it. It’s got carpet in the back!” Steven smiled, happily accepting the gift. He wanted to apologise for the offputting tone that he gave the Gems when they had given him the gift, but he didn’t want to dampen the mood. He hoped they hadn’t noticed how upset he had looked upon receiving it. 

“Carpet? Woah, that’s fancy.” Greg was shocked. He was incredibly excited to see the van. 

“It’s really fancy!” Steven nudged Greg with a smile, he believed his dad would be incredibly jealous of the van. Although with Greg, he didn’t want much. Material items weren’t really something that he treasured and he could have upgraded the van years ago or even bought a house, but chose not to. Greg was happy the way he was. 

“We’re so glad that you like your gift, Steven.” Pearl clapped.

They all loved to see Steven so happy. 

“Thank you - everyone. It means a lot what you’ve done. I really appreciate it.” Steven smiled up at them all, not quite just speaking about the van. 

They had always been there for him, no matter what. Steven needed to realise that, even if it was hard. After his conversation with Connie, he thought about how much other people helped him with his issues and everyone had some kind of input. Even if it was the Gems sending him wholesome video messages when he was on the road - they were always doing something to make his day. He loved them so much and wished he was able to express it as much as he did when he was younger. He appreciated them so much. 

“So, where are you going on your first adventure in the new van?” Peridot asked as she spun on the stool in the kitchen. 

Steven’s face dropped, still stood in the doorway wearing his crown and once again suddenly feeling like an idiot wearing it. 

He didn’t expect to be asked that question. He should have thought about an answer sooner, of course, they would have asked where he was going to go! 

“Well, for a start he’s going to be taking me back to college tomorrow!” Connie butted in, seeing Steven struggle with an answer and attempting to help the only way she knew how. 

Connie was a blessing. 

“Yeah, but what about an adventure? Where are you going next?” Peridot pressed. 

Steven could feel himself getting overly warm. This was exactly what he hadn’t hoped would happen. How was he supposed to tell them that he had been struggling so much that he had to come home? It wasn’t about that - was it? 

He wanted to come home because he was fed up with the road, not because he was struggling. However, he was fed up with being on the road because he was struggling. He couldn’t get his thoughts straight. He couldn’t fathom the idea that he had gone away from home for so long and for what? For nothing? It was pointless. He had wasted so much time doing absolutely nothing with his life. He hated it. He hated himself. 

He stood in silence. 

He had to think of something. Quick!

“I...um…’weast’?” Steven gritted his teeth together as he slowly lifted his shoulders, giving everyone an uneasy look. 

WEAST? WEAST? WHAT WAS ‘WEAST’? 

Did his nerves just blend the words west and east together out of sheer desperation? Oh no…

“Weast sounds lovely. What’s the weather like there?” Lapis tilted her head slightly, curious to know more. 

“Rain, snow, sun y’know - weather.” Steven stared ahead using his hands to express himself, there was no way that he could make eye contact with anyone in the room. Nope. Oh dear...what was he going to do?

Greg and Connie exchanged glances of confusion, both of them entirely perplexed by what was happening. 

“Snow? Do you have a warm enough coat?” Pearl asked, concerned for Steven’s wellbeing. 

Steven had a coat, he knew the answer was a simple yes so that Pearl knew he was safe going to this imaginary land that he had created in his mind. Perhaps Weast would be the place he needed to go to find the answers that he needed? He certainly couldn’t find them anywhere else that he went. 

He could feel the four walls around him caving in. He was being crushed. He couldn’t escape. His eyes widened, his world around him collapsing. 

His chest. His chest was tight, he couldn’t breathe again. He couldn’t see what he wanted to see. The room was fuzzy. The only thing he could hear was a distant buzz and muffled voices. 

Was he dying? Was this it for Steven Quartz ‘Cutie Pie’ DeMayo Diamond Universe? 

“Steven?” He felt the soft touch of a hand on his shoulder. He thought it may have been Connie, but he couldn’t be quite sure anymore. 

Vacancy. 

His mind was in complete darkness. 

Nothing felt real. Nothing felt right. 

“Steven?”

“What’s happening?”

“Why isn’t he responding?”

Just moments ago he was fine, why did he have to freak out as soon as Peridot mentioned the idea of going back on the road? He had to tell the Gems he wanted to come home. That was it. He didn't want to do that. His mind was punishing him for thinking about it. 

“Steven, are you okay?”

“Steven?”

“What do we do?”

He thought he was going to be okay. He thought that after having a conversation with Connie that he would feel better - otherwise what was the point? What was the point in hurting her feelings if nothing even came to help out of it? He was a horrible person. 

“Steven, can you hear me?” 

“Is he going to be okay?”

“I don’t know, just let me think.” 

"Everyone needs to calm down. It's not helping Steven."

“He was fine just a minute ago. What’s wrong?”

"Is he even breathing?" 

"Steven?"

“WHAT DO WE DO?”

“Stop panicking, it’s going to be okay.”

“Okay? He’s frozen! What if he stays like that forever?” 

It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. 

NO, IT’S NOT. IT’S NOT GOING TO BE OKAY. IT’S NOT GOING TO BE OKAY. 

YOU ARE WORTHLESS.

YOU ARE TERRIBLE.

YOU ARE SO UNGRATEFUL.

YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST PERSON IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE. 

Stop believing everything that your mind tells you. It’s stupid. You’re stupid. You’re...a bad person. 

More muffled voices, they just wouldn’t stop. His lips were trembling as tears streamed down each side of his face. Why couldn’t he move? Why couldn’t he speak? He was so scared. 

“Maybe everyone should give Steven some space?” Steven listened to the calm voice, he was certain it was Garnet, but couldn’t quite make it out amongst the panicked commotion. 

There was silence. Quiet. 

Everyone in the room moved away from Steven, allowing him some space to breathe. 

Breathing. Steven knew how to do that, he had been taught by his therapist. He knew how to control it - or did he?

He could feel himself moving, small steps as he was gently guided over to the couch where he was sat down. He still couldn’t see straight. He couldn’t find anything to focus on that wasn’t his horrendous thoughts. 

More voices. 

"There's too many of us in here."

“We all want to be here for Steven.” 

“You can be - outside. Let him calm down.” 

There was a sense of reluctance in the room before the opening and closing of the door could be heard. Steven couldn’t imagine anyone leaving the room, they were all his family. Didn’t they all deserve to be with him? 

It was too much. Everyone was too much. Everything was too much. 

“Steven? I’m really worried about you. What’s wrong?” Greg questioned, his voice filled with worry. 

“Greg! Give Steven some time to concentrate on his breathing. He needs to calm down, he’s not in the right mindset to be answering that kind of question.” Garnet snapped, taking Greg by surprise. 

The room fell back into silence after Garnet’s comment, much too worried to say something else. Nobody wanted to make the situation worse. 

Steven sat with his hands on his knees, staring into the abyss that was the wall in the kitchen ahead. His mouth was slightly ajar, the birthday crown now slightly tilted to one side on the top of his head. 

Emptiness. He felt emptiness. 

There was nothing left to feel after feeling every emotion in the book all at once. There was so much swirling through his mind from current events to everything that happened to him in the past. Why couldn’t things just be easy? Why did his mood change so often? Why was he such a bad person? 

He just wished he could have been happy. He wished he could have been normal. All he wanted to do was to come home with a smile on his face and he couldn’t even achieve that. He must have hurt everyone’s feelings.

Steven was a bad boyfriend. He was a bad son. He was a bad Crystal Gem. 

His dad hadn’t even been in the room for five minutes and he'd already shown him how little he could cope. His dad was worried and rightly so - he didn’t want his mental health to cause his dad to do anything drastic. Especially if it impacted his dad’s career. 

He felt as if he was in an empty room, darkness surrounding him aside from the huge spotlight that was beaming down on the top of his head. He was scared to look anywhere other than ahead. A constant feeling of being trapped, alone and scared. 

He needed to escape his internal bubble, control his emotions like he had taught himself to do so well over the years of learning his powers. With his mind so vacant, he wondered if any of his powers even worked. Admittedly, he was a little bit rusty since he hadn’t used a lot of them for quite a while. 

He felt a soft touch on the top of his hand, bringing his eyes downwards for the first time in a while to see who it was. It was Connie. 

He flipped his hand over, allowing Connie’s palm to fall into his. The first response he had gotten control of since he had what he could only described as emotionally blacking out. He needed to gain back his self-control. Emotional self-control. 

Breathing. He needed to work on his breathing so that he would be in a position to start talking again. One step at a time was all it took and he needed to concentrate. He closed his eyes, allowing his mind to drift somewhere that hadn’t been touched upon before. He had to try and battle through the emotional demons that taunted him through the journey. 

Connie and Greg sat on either side of Steven, awaiting some kind of response as they watched him breathe in a pattern of his choice. One that allowed him to breathe in through his nose, hold and then gently exhale through his lips. 

Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl stood around the table, all waiting patiently for Steven to respond to the methods that he was trying. 

Steven’s mind travelled to many places in a few quick moments, from painful memories all the way to the happy ones he was using against the bad. He wanted to feel better. He wanted to tell the Gems what he was feeling, but he was just so scared. What would they think of him? 

“I…” Steven allowed the single word to pass through his lips as he opened his eyes, slowly gaining power back to his own mind. 

Did he just have a panic attack? In front of everyone? Oh...that wasn’t good. 

“Take your time, Steven.” Connie squeezed his hand gently, letting him know that she was still there for him. Connie couldn’t help feeling pain for Steven’s situation. She didn’t want him to hurt the way that he was. She just wished there was something that she could have done to make it all go away. 

“I’m sorry.” Steven mumbled, tears still trickling down both of his cheeks. 

“Sorry? Steven, there’s nothing to be sorry about.” Greg reassured as he touched Steven’s shoulder as a way to comfort him. 

Steven had so much to apologise for, including but not limited to the number of times that he had lied about his own mental state when he was on the road. He had constantly told them that he was fine when the reality of the situation was that he was far from fine. He was helpless. 

Steven had to spill the truth, no matter how much it would hurt. There was a part of him that knew how much of weight would be lifted if he were just, to tell the truth. To tell the Gems what it was really like to be him. To tell them that he was struggling with his own mind. 

“I-I want to come home.” Steven mumbled, just audible enough to make out what he was saying. 

Everyone in the room looked around, sharing the same look of confusion spread across their face - aside from Connie who was trying not to smile. She was so proud of Steven for speaking up. 

“That’s okay, I’ve already made the bed up for you.” Pearl smiled. 

“Forever. No more travelling.” Steven responded, this time in a much clearer voice. 

“Why? I thought you were enjoying yourself?” Greg asked softly, confused by his son’s choice. 

“I was...but...not anymore.” Steven admittedly, tightening his hand as he held onto Connie for reassurance. 

“What happened?” Greg continued to press, intensely concerned for his son. 

Steven didn’t want to respond. He felt as if he had already said too much. Today was not the day he wanted to have the full conversation, he was exhausted. 

“I think Steven will tell us in his own time…” Garnet once again inputted her opinion. 

“I’m sorry Garnet, but I want to know what’s making my son so upset. I want to help.” Greg shot Garnet a harsh stare. 

“Garnet’s right, he’s clearly too upset to speak about it. I think it’s probably best we leave it for today. After all - it is his birthday.” Pearl nodded, she hated seeing Steven as upset as he was. 

Steven carefully let go of Connie's hand and took the crown off his head, holding it tightly. He felt like a scared child - not a twenty-one-year-old. 

“It’s okay, Steven. I’m not really bothered why you’re home, I’m just glad that you are. I can’t get past a level on this game I’m playing and I was hoping you’ll be able to help.” Amethyst commented as she came and sat on the table in front of Steven. 

Steven looked up at her and showed a smile. He was glad that someone was just happy for him to be home, no string attached. No need for any explanations. Just happy for him to be home. 

“I can give it a go.” Steven smirked as he wiped his eyes. 

“Good, because I’ve been stuck for weeks.” Amethyst rolled her eyes, somehow reducing the severity of the situation through the simple mention of video games. She wasn’t always great when it came to the emotional front of things, but being able to relate to Steven was a good way to get through to him. 

Steven began to touch the fabric of the hat that was on his lap, trying his hardest to keep his concentration on something. He didn’t want to lose himself in his thoughts again. 

He wanted to tell the Gems how he was feeling on the inside. The emptiness. The fear. 

“I think I need help. I’m not very well and I need help.” Steven continued to play with the fabric on the edge of the hat as he spoke the words that had been haunting him for so long. 

“Steven…” Pearl covered her mouth to stop anything else coming out, suddenly overflowing with emotion. 

“I’m really struggling with my mental health and I need to come home, but I don’t want to be smothered. I don’t want this to be all you think of me. I don't want you to think that this is your fault. I want to try some different therapy and move into my own house somewhere with Lion and pretty garden furniture.” Steven closed his eyes as he spoke, worried that the Gems would have a bad reaction to his words. 

Greg once against placed his hand gently on his son’s shoulder. 

“That’s okay...anything you need and we’ll see what we can do to help.” Greg spoke softly.

Steven slowly opened up his eyes, seeing everyone in the room looking towards him with small sympathetic smiles on their faces. They all...cared about him. They all only ever wanted the best for him. He should have seen it all along. 

“Aren’t you...mad?” Steven furrowed his eyebrows, somewhat confused. 

“Why would we be mad?” Amethyst asked, balancing herself on the end of the table. 

“Because...you guys made the van. I won’t be using it to travel around as you wanted me to? Why wouldn’t you be mad?” Steven was definitely confused. 

“People can change the way they feel about certain things and that’s okay. We didn’t make the van thinking that you would be living in it forever, we made it thinking that you’d love it to use whenever you did decide to travel whether that was tomorrow or years down the line. We would never want you to feel as if we made you the van because we wanted you to leave. We want you to come home, Steven. We missed you, but we understood that travelling to all of these places was what you had your heart set on doing so we would support you with however you wanted to do that.” Pearl explained as she rested her hands on her chest, expressing how deeply she felt about it. 

“And we’re still going to be supporting you now, whether you choose to continue travelling or if you choose to stay at home. We only want what’s best for you, Steven and although we don’t know the answer to that at all times, we’ll always try.” Garnet pitched in.

Their words were reminiscent of what Connie had said previously. Connie was making sense when she had predicted what they would say about it. She was right and he should have listened. 

He was so stu-. He...needed to learn to listen to Connie's advice. 

The Gems loved him for who he was, no matter where he was or what he did. They would always be there to love and support him. 

“We love you, Steven. More than anything.” Greg confirmed, wanting nothing more than for his son to be happy. 

“I love you all too.” Steven whimpered as his bottom lip shook. 

Everyone stepped closer towards him, surrounding him with love as they hugged him. 

Steven was loved. 

He felt safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys keep leaving the nicest comments. I want to be everyone's friend now, you're all incredibly sweet. Come hang out on Tumblr if you want to chat SU and how we can somehow get Steven to WEAST. <3


	7. Dizzy on The Comedown.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven has a beer. 
> 
> Wait - what? This story is ridiculous. 
> 
> Steven shares a beer with his father before finally deciding to speak to the Gems about how he's feeling. Connie plays with his hair :3

The evening was looming over Beach City, after a day of events that would be ingrained into Steven Universe’s mind until the end of time. His twenty-first birthday really hadn’t turned out as he had expected, but then again - what did he expect when his mind was the way it was? 

Steven needed some time alone to think about everything that had happened. He had spent the last couple of hours with Connie, mostly attempting to get to grips with his new games console to take his mind off things. It helped a lot. 

The Gems had left him to his own devices, Pearl had caught Bismuth, Peridot and Lapis up on the situation. They had wished Steven his best and returned home, Steven wasn’t in the mood to put a facade on for any visitors. 

Steven looked out at the ocean, the cool sea breeze pressing against his face. He sat on the step inside of his new van, thinking intensely about the day that had passed. 

He was incredibly emotionally drained from the experience, especially his panic attack which he was more than convinced he could have been considered clinically dead as it was happening. Truth be told...he didn’t want to think about it. 

He was uncomfortably numb regarding everything. 

“Room for another?” Greg stood over Steven, shadowing his view of the ocean. 

“What are those?” Steven questioned as he pointed towards the two brown bottles that Greg was holding.

“It’s my son’s twenty-first birthday, I’ll be damned if that means I don’t get to share an ice-cold beer with him.” Steven shuffled over to one side as Greg spoke. 

Greg sat down and passed Steven the beer. His dad was right - it was cold. 

“Is everyone trying to make me an alcoholic or something?” Steven dipped his eyebrows as he stared intensely at the bottle, spinning it around slowly to get a good look at the labels. 

“No, of course not - I just thought maybe since now you can, you’d maybe want to give it a try. It’s entirely up to you.” 

“I mean...I guess I can give it a go…” Steven looked up Greg. 

Greg smiled, he was incredibly proud of his son for everything that he had achieved and he couldn’t quite believe how much he had grown up. Even in the space of a few years, Steven had grown considerably. 

Greg wasn’t always the best parent to Steven and he was no longer afraid to admit it, but he tried his best with the skills he had been given. He always wished there were some things that he could have changed to make Steven’s life better, but that was a pipedream. All he ever wanted was for Steven not to have to grow up the same way that Greg did, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the best option for Steven. 

Hindsight was a wonderful thing. 

“Cheers?” Greg tilted the neck of his bottle towards Steven. Steven copied his action and the two bottles knocked together. 

Greg was the first to take a sip of the beer. Steven stared at the labels once more, what harm could one drink do? It was his birthday after all. Wasn’t this what Pearl said normal humans do on their twenty-first birthdays?

Steven took a quick swig, immediately regretting his decision. 

It was...disgusting. 

Steven leant forward, spitting his mouthful of beer on the sand. Greg began laughing.

“Why would anyone want to drink this? Just...why?” Steven stuck his tongue out in disgust, screwing his face up, desperately wanting to get rid of the bitter taste in his mouth. 

“It’s okay, you’re not supposed to like the taste of alcohol.” Greg chuckled. 

“What? That doesn’t make any sense!” Steven was pretty mad and slightly confused. What was the logic? He quickly passed the bottle back to his dad. 

“It’s okay Stu-ball, at least you tried it! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad you didn’t enjoy it.” Greg smiled as he put the spare bottle to one side. 

Steven couldn’t quite get his head around a beverage that people would purchase and drink despite it not tasting great. Wasn’t that the whole point of a drink? Why would you drink something that you hated the taste of? It made no sense to him. 

It was probably a good thing it didn’t. That wasn’t exactly a path he would ever want to go down. 

Steven stared back out at the ocean, there was something about the peacefulness that he enjoyed. When he was on the road he didn’t see the ocean much, nor a beach. It was pretty different from his everyday life, but it was nice to get away. Being back by the ocean enlightened something within him - it was home. The air was so clean. 

“So, how are things with Connie?” Greg asked, attempting to strike up a conversation with his son. It wasn't very often that they got to speak together. Especially not with other people around. 

“Good, I guess?” Steven wasn’t quite sure how to interact with his dad. None of their conversations seemed to flow like they used to. His dad was once one of the only people he could go to when he had an issue and now he couldn’t see him as anything other than the father who ‘tried’. 

He found it hard not to be mad at his dad for everything that had happened, there were so many things that Greg could have done to help with Steven’s upbringing and yet none of that support system was there. Steven didn’t want to be mad about it - but he was. 

Greg sat there awkwardly wondering what to talk about next, he too wasn’t exactly the best conversationalist. Steven wasn’t exactly making it easy. 

“Dad?” Steven suddenly piped up. Greg was quick to focus all his attention on his son. 

“Yeah?” 

“Could I...borrow some money to buy a house? I promise I’ll pay you back.” Steven locked his fingers together, anxiously rubbing his thumbs against one another. 

Greg looked at the sadness on Steven’s face - what was Greg supposed to do? He had no idea how to solve Steven’s problems. Greg had mostly been financially supporting Steven through his travelling, Steven never asked for much, but Greg always gave him whatever he needed. 

Greg didn’t want to spoil Steven, but if money somehow made his son happy he wanted to spend it. 

“How much do you need?” 

Steven stared at Greg, attempting to work out some calculations within his mind before stopping. 

“I don’t know how much a house costs…” Steven groaned before covering his face with his hands in embarrassment. 

“That’s okay, just have a look around and find something that’s right for you. As long as it’s not a twenty bedroom mansion, I’ll be happy to help you with the costs.” Greg assured, placing his hand on Steven’s shoulder. 

Admittedly, Greg had never bought a house either. He also had no idea what he was doing. 

“I have no idea how to be an adult.” Steven sighed. 

“Nobody really does...that’s the fun part!” Greg laughed.

“But it’s not fun!” 

“Life is full of surprises, Steven. Some of them we can’t be prepared for, but we battle through them anyway. That’s just...life. You don’t have to know everything about everything to live a good life. It’s not always about fancy college degrees and money.” Greg attempted to get his point across. 

“But what if it is? What if I can’t do anything with my life? I didn’t ask to be...this. I didn’t get a say in any of that and yet it’s the only thing in my life I somewhat understand and even that took up my entire childhood trying to figure it out.” Steven pointed to his gem as he spoke, audibly upset with what he was speaking about. 

“I’m sorry, Steven. I didn’t want any of this for you either, but there’s nothing I can do about it.” Greg sighed. Did he want his son to be destined to a life of pain? Of course not! Nobody wanted that. 

“I thought that when I went away I would discover...myself. A part of myself away from everything gem related. Some sort of normality. It made me realise that this is me - I am my gem side. It’s a part of myself I’ll just never be able to escape.” Steven groaned.

“But why would you want to escape it? It’s what makes you you!” 

Steven once again rested his head in his hands, he didn’t have enough energy to get into an argument with his dad regarding the logistics of everything. He didn’t want to have to explain his feelings once again, he had already done that enough. 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Steven mumbled into his hands. Greg took a sip of his beer as he looked away from Steven. 

“Well, if you need help with the house give me a call and I’ll come down. Have you thought about where you might want to live?” Greg reassured as he changed the subject back to what it once was. 

Steven had briefly thought about where he wanted to live - but not much. It was certainly something that was part of his original plan to travel, but nowhere seemed right. He didn’t really want to be...anywhere. 

“Maybe somewhere between here and Connie’s college? That way I’m close to everyone.” Steven thought logically, being around an hour or so from both Beach City and Connie’s college meant that he could have easily visited both of them. 

Although, he did think a lot about moving near Connie’s college. That would have been...nice. Maybe he could...ask her? To move in together? 

Hey...that wasn’t such a bad idea - was it? 

“That sounds like a pretty good idea.” Greg smiled, taking yet another sip of his beer.

“Should I ask Connie to move in with me?” Steven questioned. It was a great idea, that way he wouldn’t have to be alone! She could keep him company and he would promise not to disturb her when she was doing her college work. 

Greg nearly choked on the beer. 

“Woah, Steven. Steady on. You need to make sure that’s something you both want.” Greg furrowed his eyebrows, concerned that Steven would rush into things as he had done before. Steven had been known to overwhelm Connie in the past…

“It’s not....it won’t be like...it’s not a proposal! It’s just...I’m pretty sure she has to move into a new dorm room soon anyway, so wouldn’t it just be nicer to live in a house? I could always try and get a job and she could continue going to college.” Steven shrugged. He saw no flaws in his plan. 

After a day of incredible stress, the idea of moving in with Connie had suddenly given him a wonderful feeling of hope. Wouldn’t it be nice to live together? They would be able to watch goofy films together, play video games, cook together and there would even be enough room to keep Lion with them! Connie did miss Lion when she was at college…

“Steven, it might be what you want - but you need to make sure that’s something that Connie wants to do. You can’t just rush into these things.” Greg explained, attempting to subtly talk his son out of the idea. 

Sure, he wanted Steven to feel happy - but he was worried that Steven could potentially guilt trip Connie into moving. It wouldn’t have been fair on her and would just hurt Steven more. 

“I can always ask though?” Steven was hopeful that maybe after a day of horrors he could receive some good news. Would it have been right to ask Connie? He loved her and she loved him, there was no issue there and unlike the proposal, it was pretty realistic!

“Just keep an open mind, Stu-ball.” Greg raised his hands in his own defence. He only wanted to look out for Steven, he didn’t want his feelings to be hurt like...last time. 

Steven had spent so much of his time the past couple of months worrying about pretty much nothing. He had wasted so much time and he was pretty mad about it. How could he have been so stupid? Of course, the Gems wouldn’t have cared if he came home or not. 

They wanted him to come home. 

He ignored everything that he had told himself previously, overwriting his positive thoughts with negative ones that made him feel worthless. The same negative thoughts that didn’t allow him to go back home and visit for six months. The same negative thoughts that got him into his current position. 

Steven didn’t want to be a mess, he wanted to lead a normal life. Or at least the most normal life that was physically possible for someone like him. He wasn’t really like anyone else. 

Perhaps being unique wasn’t all that it cracked up to be. 

“Thanks, Dad. For...coming today.” Steven smiled, he was happy that he got to see his dad. It had been a long time and it felt good to know that he had come back especially for his birthday. His dad would never skip a birthday of his. 

“Nothing could have stopped me from coming today. I wasn’t going to miss your birthday!” 

“Are you going back on tour tomorrow?” 

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to. This is our biggest show to date since the reunion. But y’know...if you need me here I can stay. I know you’re big enough now to make your own decisions, I know you can look after yourself - I don’t want to smother you. Just...if you need me I’m just a phone call away.” Greg scratched the back of his neck. He was incredibly worried about Steven, but he didn’t want to smother him into thinking that he couldn’t speak to him ever again. 

He wanted to keep a good relationship with his son. At least as much as possible. 

“I’ve got Connie and the Gems...I’m sure I’ll be able to handle myself.” Steven chuckled. 

He couldn’t handle himself in the slightest. 

“Good, I’m just glad that you're home and safe. Truth be told, I was sick with worry the whole time you were away. Reminded me of the years I spent alone in my van, trying to get away from myself. It was rough and I just worried that it would make you feel as bad as it made me feel about myself. Although it was pretty tough, if I didn’t do that I wouldn’t have met your mom. I guess, these things just happen for a reason. You’ll find your reason soon enough.” Greg pulled Steven towards him as Steven reluctantly allowed his father to hug him.

“Yeah...I guess.” 

“Now, are you going to show me this van? I want to see just how fancy it is and if I’m due an upgrade.” Greg looked behind him into the van, it still smelt brand new. 

“I’m sure you’ve already seen the carpet.” Steven turned around on the step and touched the carpet floor in the middle of the van. It was so...soft. 

“Yeah! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so fancy in my whole life!” Greg laughed as he copied Steven’s action by stroking the carpet. 

Steven laughed before standing up and walking into the van to show his dad everything that was inside. Greg was incredibly impressed with what the Gems had put together for Steven and was slightly jealous that they didn’t upgrade his own van this much. Maybe he should have asked them…

Steven spent a fair amount of time talking to Greg about the van and what it was like on tour, spilling somewhat strange stories about what Sadie was up to. Steven had to remember to text her some time to catch up, it was pretty difficult to catch up with friends when he was so caught up in himself. Perhaps he should focus more on himself getting better before he pushed himself to reconnect with people from his past? 

Last time he had heard Sadie had gotten herself back into the music business not long after she previously quit. There were plenty of people that wanted her to continue playing, realising that her music was incredibly relatable. Greg was happy to manage Sadie’s project and although she had found a few new touring band members, the theme of her music grew with her. Steven could also find some relatability in her heavy lyrics. 

Steven suggested that perhaps Greg should sleep in the van for the night considering Steven was going to be sleeping in the beach house. Greg was a little hesitant to agree, but with Stevens persuasion, he eventually gave in. 

Steven waved as he said goodnight to his dad before tucking his hands into his jacket pockets and heading up the stairs to the house. Connie had been with the Gems for an hour or so as Steven said that he wanted to go for a walk. He didn’t exactly walk far, just up and down the boardwalk and then back to the van where he then caught up with his dad.

He stood on the balcony outside of the beach house, once again studying the ocean ahead. The sea was so calm and understanding. He stood with his hands in his pockets, breathing in deeply to make the most of the breeze. Steven listened to the gentle sound of the waves lapping against the shore, a sound he deeply missed. 

It was nice to be home. 

Steven reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring that he had kept on him all day and near enough all night for the past couple of months. Was asking Connie to move in with him too much of a big step? He had already made that poor decision once before. 

‘Not now.’ 

When though? Steven thought about her words every single day. He was a bit of a hopeless romantic when it came to Connie and he wanted nothing more than to make her happy. Perhaps proposing when they were so young was a bad idea...but now that they were older would proposing something completely different be such a bad thing? 

Of course he one day wanted to marry her, but whilst she was still in college would moving in together be a bad choice? Would she even agree to such a thing? Was Steven just being hopeful? 

He stood outside for a few minutes contemplating his life choices before walking back inside. Garnet and Pearl were both tidying up the remnants of a spoilt birthday party. Steven felt guilty at the sight. 

“Can I...help?” Steven hovered around the kitchen awaiting a response. 

“It’s okay Steven, we’ve got it.” Garnet assured him as she passed Pearl a plate for her to clean. 

“Okay…” Steven sulked as he gently twisted on his heel to head upstairs. 

“Steven, you can always speak to us. I hope you know that.” Pearl perked up as she watched him walk away. Steven twisted back around to face the two of them. 

“Yeah...I know.” Steven half-smiled at them both. 

“I know we sometimes have more...unorthodox methods of handling our emotions, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t feel things. We may not be able to relate completely to how you’re feeling, but we’ll always be there to listen.” Pearl placed the plate on the side as she spoke, no longer concentrating on the chores. 

Steven dragged himself over to the kitchen and sat himself up on one of the stools opposite both Pearl and Garnet. He rested his head on his hand and sighed. 

“Do you ever feel...out of place?” 

Garnet and Pearl exchanged glances, they had spent their entire existence feeling out of place. 

“I did, but I learnt that being true to myself was more important. You shouldn’t worry about what anyone else thinks. You need to be comfortable with yourself.” Garnet spoke sternly, expressing a matter she was incredibly passionate about. 

“But what if you don’t feel comfortable with yourself?” 

“You need to find yourself. Who does Steven Universe want to be?” Garnet asked as Steven thought carefully about the question. 

He had travelled far and wide to find the answer to his question. He wanted to find out who he was and to find out who he wanted to be. None of which did he find when he was on the road if anything - it just made him feel worse. 

“A good person?” 

“You are a good person, who said you weren't?” Pearl was curious with concern. 

“Myself…” 

“Steven...is that what you really think?” Pearl was in shock with his answer. Neither her nor Garnet wanted him to ever feel that way. 

“Yeah...I do. Please don’t let me go away again.” Steven sniffed. 

“Oh Steven, you don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to.” Pearl made her way around the kitchen island to be closer to Steven. 

“I just feel so...empty. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.” Steven wiped a tear away with his sleeve. 

“It took a lot of time and acceptance for me to feel...happy. You have to give it time. You have to start to accept the past and move on. It’s difficult, but it’s not impossible.” Pearl began to speak about her own experiences. She had experienced quite a lot when with Rose, but she was slowly at a point where she was starting to accept the past. 

Pearl was right. Steven did need to start accepting what had happened in the past, he had been working with that theme with his therapist. Although, he was willing to try new trauma techniques with different therapists if it meant that he could escape the mindset he was in. Despite it looking as if it was from a science fiction film, Steven had done a lot of research into EMDR therapy and was willing to give that a go.

He just wanted to feel okay. 

“Do you think it’s a good idea for me to move out still?” 

“I think you need to do whatever you think is best for you. You’re more than welcome to stay here for as long as you need to, this is your home. There’s no pressure to move out.” Admittedly, Pearl wanted Steven to stay at home for as long as possible, but that wasn’t a choice that she was able to make for him. 

At least if Steven was to get permanent residence everyone would know where he was, rather than him being on the side of a road in the middle of nowhere. 

“Thanks.” Steven mumbled, he just wished he could have sounded more enthusiastic. 

Pearl gave Steven a hug, attempting to comfort him from his emotional pain. Pearl and Garnet could see how much everything was taking a toll on Steven and they felt guilty for not doing anything sooner. 

“You look pretty tired, Steven. You should probably go to bed.” Garnet suggested. 

Garnet was right, Steven was incredibly tired and if it wasn’t for his racing thoughts he probably would have fallen asleep hours ago. What a day…

“Yeah, you’re right. Goodnight I guess..” Steven swung around on the chair, falling off the edge of the chair onto his two feet before dragging himself towards the stairs. 

“Hey, Steven…” He heard a voice behind him. 

Steven turned around and saw both Pearl and Garnet stood in the kitchen with smiles on their faces. 

“Happy birthday!” Garnet commented. 

Steven smiled back at them before heading up to bed. He walked up the stairs, suddenly greeted by an excitable voice. 

“Steven, have you seen this game? It’s so weird! There's animals that look like people. They're wearing clothes!” Amethyst sat on the bed next to Connie, excitedly pointing towards the games console in Connie’s hands. 

“You only think it’s weird because you don’t have to fight anyone.” Connie rolled her eyes. 

“All I’m saying is that video games need violence. I just don’t understand why you would want to catch bugs and fish when you could be punching something. It makes no sense, right Steven? Steven?” Amethyst and Connie took their attention away from the video game as Steven walked up the stairs and immediately began to dig through his bag that was sat on the floor. 

“Yeah, sure.” Steven hadn’t exactly been paying attention to anything that they had been saying. 

“Are you getting ready for bed?” Connie asked as she began saving the game. 

“Yeah...it’s been a long day.” Steven sighed as he picked up his toothbrush and placed his pyjamas over his arm. 

“Aw Steven, it’s still so early! You’re such a party pooper.” Amethyst groaned. 

“It’s nearly midnight.” 

“That’s still so early for an adult! Are you going to do boring adult things forever now like taxes and voting in elections?” Amethyst shuffled to the end of the bed.

“I guess so.” Steven sighed once more. He had forgotten about taxes and now suddenly he was thinking about them. He had no idea where to start, then again - did anyone? 

“Okay fine, goodnight and happy birthday boring adult Steven! Goodnight interesting teenager Connie! Later, yo.” Amethyst hopped off the end of the bed and waved as she made her way down the stairs. 

“Goodnight!” Steven and Connie both said in unison. 

Steven went and got ready for bed before coming back upstairs to join Connie who had already got into her nighttime attire. There was so much that he wanted to say to her...for a start - he wanted to apologise a million times for the way that he had acted throughout the day. Was that...okay? 

Steven sat himself down on the end of the bed and fell backwards onto the sheets, staring up at the ceiling. Connie crossed her legs as she shuffled closer towards him, sitting close enough so she could play with his hair. 

Steven closed his eyes as he allowed Connie to stroke his hair backwards. It was incredibly soothing and the most relaxed that Steven had been all day. 

“I’m really sorry I shouted at you.” Steven whispered as he continued to keep his eyes closed. 

“It’s okay, I know you didn’t mean to. I’m sorry I...shouted back.” Connie began to thread her fingers through Steven’s hair, it was somewhat therapeutic for them both. 

“I ruined this weekend, didn’t I?” 

“No, you didn’t. What happened couldn’t have been helped. Anyway, we still got to spend some time together.” Connie beamed as she looked down at Steven, his eyes still closed. 

“I don’t think it counts.” Steven sighed, the only time they had spent time with each other was when Steven was having a breakdown. They also had the night before and the car journey, which was more than they had spent time with one another in around four months - but it still didn’t feel right. 

Of course, Steven was more than happy to do anything as long as they were together. However, in his mind, the weekend seeing Connie again had always seemed so special. He wanted it to be special. 

“I think you’re forgetting it’s still only Friday…you came to see me on Thursday - remember?” Connie chuckled. 

Steven opened his eyes, Connie was upside down and looking down at him - still playing with his hair. 

Friday! It was Friday!!! Steven still had two whole days to make up for such an appalling Friday that he had. He was so caught up in his own mind that he had convinced himself that everything would be going back to normal tomorrow. He was certain he would be making the journey to take Connie back to college - but he was wrong. He was wrong! 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, you have to put up with me for another two days.” Connie tittered as she booped the tip of his nose. 

Steven frantically sat up to face Connie. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to have been so confused before.” Steven grinned, he was incredibly happy with his confusion. 

Maybe he could have a fresh start back in Beach City? Maybe the next two days didn’t have to be about him being sad? Maybe he could spend the next two days trying to be as happy as possible? 

He couldn’t force happiness. He had tried that before. 

“So, what do you want to do tomorrow?” 

“Anything!” Steven excitedly threw his hands in the air. 

“Anything...specific?” 

“What do you want to do?” 

“Hey! I asked first.” Connie crossed her arms and pouted. 

“Um...we could always find something to do on the Boardwalk? Then maybe visit your parents?” Steven quickly thought of something to do. Anything would have been perfect to keep his mind off things. 

“You want to visit my parents? Didn’t I already warn you about my dad’s new car? I think he’s having a mid-life crisis.” Connie cocked an eyebrow. 

“I’ll be happy to listen.”

“Steven...he can go on for hours…”

“I’ll show him the van!” Steven grinned, he hadn’t seen Connie’s parents since sometime before Connie started college. It had been a long time and felt pretty rude that he hadn’t seen them, considering he was a pretty big part of their daughter’s life.

“Okay fine, I’ll text them in the morning. Maybe we could go for dinner?”

“That sounds nice.” Steven suddenly hoped there would be dessert. 

Connie shuffled backwards, tucking herself under the covers. Steven soon followed, also crawling under. He couldn’t wait to one day just be able to fall asleep next to Connie every single night. It would have been a dream come true. The comfort it gave him was outstanding.

“I can’t believe I have a twenty-one-year-old boyfriend. Sounds pretty cool, right?” Connie laughed as she laid on the pillow opposite Steven.

Steven’s heart dropped whenever she called him that. Wow...he knew it was true and had been official for a long time, but hearing it aloud always gave him butterflies. He was Connie’s...boyfriend. 

“You’re not that far behind.” Steven mumbled as Connie reached over and began playing with his hair again. He was incredibly tired and Connie gently stroking his hair back wasn’t helping him stay awake in the slightest. It was too soothing. 

“I’m nineteen and three quarters, but I can catch up.” Connie scoffed. 

“Yeah…” Steven closed his eyes, finding himself drifting. 

He was incredibly mentally exhausted from the day he had been through. He wanted to wake up the next morning and have a completely fresh start. No more birthday, no more travelling, no more gifts, no more being accidentally rude to Connie, no more panic attacks and no more...glowing pink. 

As Connie had told him earlier, he needed to take one day at a time. 

He needed to listen to her advice. He trusted her with everything, so why didn’t his mind listen to her before? 

“I know it’s been a tough day, but tomorrow will be better.” 

“Hmmmm” Steven hummed, unable to even formulate words. He had finally put his mind to sleep. 

Connie could see he would no longer be responsive, she understood how tired he must have been. Everything he had been through looked so emotionally draining. 

Despite him going through every emotion possible, in that moment he looked peaceful. Connie looked down at him in the bed, tucked up under the covers with his eyes closed and his mouth slightly ajar. Connie had such an adorable boyfriend. Despite him trying to grow some facial hair, he still had such a babyface. 

Connie leant down and planted a kiss on his forehead. 

“Happy birthday, Steven.” She whispered before rolling over to turn off the lights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so if this story was a movie its imdb page would be full of 'goofs' and continuity errors. I always try to avoid this, but I was a complete an utter idiot. So, y'know in the first chapter when Connie asks Steven to pick her up on Friday? Yeah...I FORGOT ABOUT THAT. I had it in my mind that it was Saturday the entire time. 
> 
> So...in essence you're probably going to get a few more chapters than I was planning because I messed up lmao. I guess that's a good thing? But pretty funny to me that I messed up that bad. WHOOPS. Oh well, it'll be fun. Got a few cute chapters planned. :-)
> 
> Let's hope we can get Steven back on a path to recovery.
> 
> PS. Accidentally made this chapter super long instead of splitting it into two sooooo I'm sorry if there isn't an update tomorrow. :(


	8. Approved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and Connie spend the evening at the Maheswaran residence. Much to his distaste, Steven is interrogated by Doug when taken on a car ride to talk about the ins and outs of dating his daughter. 
> 
> It's pretty awkward...
> 
> Steven comes to terms with what he may want for the future, but when's the right time to let everyone else in on his plan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a special treat for waiting for a few days for another update have this stupidly long chapter. It's to say thank you to all the great comments I've been receiving and for bearing with me whilst I write it. Thank you. 
> 
> Also, this chapter just proves this is 100% a Connverse fic hahaha. Whoops.

Steven couldn’t quite believe that it was Saturday morning. He still had a whole day with Connie to spend time with, a great extension onto his birthday. Of course, his birthday hadn’t exactly been the best - but he wanted to try and make today better. He just wanted to be happy. 

Steven had once again slept a lot longer than he had expected. Faced with both the mental exhaustion from the day before and the fact that he was finally back in his own bed both helped contribute to getting some well-needed rest. Steven was somewhat terrified that he was going to start experiencing nightmares again, but his mind was blank as he slept. 

He was woken up by some sounds from downstairs. Connie had already gotten up and wasn’t beside him when he opened his eyes. He had spread himself across the bed and hoped that he didn’t accidentally knock Connie out of bed which was the reason for her disappearance. 

Steven rolled over and grabbed his phone from the bedside table. He had a few texts from his dad saying to call him later, he regrettably had to leave whilst Steven was asleep to make it to the state where the band were playing that night. Steven didn’t mind, he understood that people had responsibilities and was pretty pleased to see that his dad had left him to his own devices. 

Steven dragged himself out of bed and glanced down at his phone once again. It was 11 am? 

He didn’t expect to sleep that long. He shouldn’t have wasted half the day in bed - what about Connie? 

Steven made his way downstairs, still lazily plodding along in his pyjamas. 

“Good morning, Steven!” Pearl gleamed.

“Look who decided to wake up!” Amethyst commented and she crossed her legs on the edge of the table. 

Everyone was sitting on the couch, surrounding the table as they played a card game together. Even Connie was sitting on the edge of the couch - from first glance it looked as if she was winning at the game from the sheer amount of plastic chips in front of her. 

“How come nobody woke me up?” Steven yawned as he rubbed his eyes before lazily sitting down beside Connie. 

“You looked like you could use the sleep.” Connie smiled, gently placing her hand on Steven’s knee. 

Steven was still embarrassed from his episode the previous day. He had to try and remember that the people around him were there for him - they weren’t going to judge. 

What if they were? 

No. They weren’t. They loved him and he loved them back. They wanted what was best for him. 

“I’m out.” Garnet placed her cards on the table. 

“Me too.” Pearl sighed. 

“Oh this is good, I’m going all in!” Amethyst adjusted herself as she pushed all the chips to the middle of the table before staring directly at Connie. 

Connie pulled her hand away from Steven, staring smugly at Amethyst as she peered over the cards in her hand. 

“All in. What have you got?” Connie pushed her extensive pile of chips into the middle of the table. 

Amethyst laid her cards out on the table.

“Straight flush! Beat that!” 

Connie began to laugh as she placed her cards on the table in front of her. An ace, king, queen, jack and ten of diamonds. 

“Royal flush!” Connie jeered in excitement. Amethyst’s face immediately dropped. 

“There’s no way! How? How did you do that? Garnet, can she do that?” Amethyst argued as she stared down at the cards in shock. 

Garnet grabbed a page of instructions and flipped it over, studying it for a few seconds. 

“Connie wins.” Garnet confirmed. 

Amethyst folded her arms in frustration as Connie laughed, dragging the pile of chips towards her. 

Hold on. Was this-

“Are you guys playing poker?” Steven cocked an eyebrow, incredibly confused by what he was witnessing. He had never seen the game before. 

“Well, Amethyst got that set so we thought we would have a go. Turns out Connie is a pretty good player.” Pearl explained. 

Connie’s face lit up, she was pretty impressed with her ability to get to grips with the card game so quickly. Was it luck? Was it skill? She liked to think it was a bit of both, more so believing the latter. 

“It’s really fun, I can teach you how to play if you like?” Connie commented with a smile. 

“I think I might just sit and watch.” Steven rubbed the back of his neck. It didn’t really seem like his kind of game. It looked sort of...complicated. 

He would have prefered to play something slightly more lighthearted. Poker just seemed to remind him of gruesome gangster films he usually ignored. 

Steven sat and watched them play another game. He was right in the fact that the game was incredibly confusing. Connie unsurprisingly seemed to win again - it was just the case of mathematics. 

Steven got himself ready for the day ahead. It was nice to use his own shower, he had gotten too used to washing himself in public bathrooms. He felt incredibly refreshed by the shower, hopefully washing off all the bad thoughts that he had the day before. 

Today was going to be better. He knew it wouldn’t be perfect - but he wanted to feel some kind of happiness. He wanted to have a nice day with Connie. He was already feeling slightly better than he had been the past couple of days, he knew he could make the day better if he tried. 

His therapist had always told him that negative thoughts were attracted to more negative thoughts. Thinking positively helped with creating a positive view of the world and would help create a positive atmosphere around him. As much as Steven didn’t want to believe what she was saying - she did have a point. 

Steven and Connie walked down the Boardwalk, their hands intertwined. Although Steven had walked down the Boardwalk last night to clear his mind, it seemed a lot nicer during the day when everyone was around. Being a bright and sunny summer afternoon, everyone else had decided to step outside and take advantage of the sun. 

“My parents said they’ll make dinner for five o’clock. Is that okay?” Connie asked as she placed her phone back in her pocket. 

“Sounds perfect.” Steven was excited to go and see the Maheswarans. He hoped it would restore some kind of normality. 

“How are you feeling today?” Connie glanced at Steven, not wanting to pry too much in case it hurt him. Steven looked to be in a better mood, but that didn’t account for even half of what he was feeling on the inside. 

Connie was an incredibly caring person and just wanted to make sure that he was feeling okay. 

“Better? I’m not sure.” Steven shrugged, still feeling the numb emptiness that had haunted him in the evening. Despite feeling that way, he thought it was better to feel numb than to be overwhelmed by sadness or anxiety. 

Even just the soft grip he had on Connie’s hand was enough to calm him. Everyone was there for him. He had to keep reminding himself of that fact. 

He wasn’t alone. 

“That’s fine, we’ll make sure to take it easy today.” Connie confirmed. She was more than happy to make sure that Steven was comfortable, she loved him too much to argue into trying to get them to do something exciting. They had already been on so many adventures together. 

“Thanks again for...looking after me.” Steven snorted, it sounded silly, but it was true. 

“Thanks for being my best friend.” Connie leaned on Steven’s shoulder as they continued to walk. 

“Jambud.” Steven corrected with a smile. 

“Thanks for being my jambud.” Connie confirmed. 

Steven couldn’t help himself but love absolutely everything about Connie. All those years ago when they had stepped into each other's lives...or more or less rolled into it - they had been pretty inseparable. Aside from when Steven decided to go away from home for two years. 

Regret. Why did he ever think that something like that would solve all of his issues when they just made them worse?

There was nothing that he could do to change the past. That was a vital lesson that he had to learn about pretty much every aspect of his life, but being the son of Pink Diamond meant that most of the things that had happened to him in his past weren’t specifically his fault despite always being told they were. 

Was this all his fault too? Sure, he couldn’t change the past - but could he have made more of a conscious effort when he had the chance? 

Going away was there to help him discover himself and to come back having discovered something that perhaps was a little more upsetting than he wanted to learn was heavy. He just wanted to lead a normal life, but that was completely out of the question. 

Connie had always been there to normalise his human side and he was forever grateful. Sure, he had his dad - but his dad couldn’t give the perspective of someone his age. Connie had Gem related stuff in her life, but she also had a lot of her own things going on which Steven admired greatly. 

Steven and Connie spent most of the day walking around Beach City and reminiscing on some of their more positive adventures together. There were a lot of them - as well as negative ones. It was nice of them to be able to go through so much together, Steven always had someone who knew somewhat what he was going through. 

It didn’t feel as if they were out for very long before they realised that it was getting towards the time in which they had agreed to go for dinner. Steven probably shouldn’t have slept for so long, eating away most of his day. 

They had gone back to the house to get ready before hopping on the back of Lion and heading to Connie’s house. Steven had made an effort to dress himself up slightly, wanting to feel somewhat presentable in front of Connie’s parents. 

Both Connie’s mom and dad knew quite a bit about Steven’s history, considering he had been best friends with their daughter for as long as they could remember. Despite not always agreeing with their adventures - Steven and his bizarre way of life had made Connie a lot happier and had certainly allowed her to come out of her shell. 

Lion sat himself down on the sidewalk, watching carefully as both Steven and Connie walked to the door of the townhouse. 

Connie reached for the doorbell, pressing firmly. 

“Ready?” Connie asked as she stepped back. 

Steven nervously adjusted his shirt and nodded. He was pretty anxious, but the anxiety he was feeling about seeing Connie’s parents was a little different to the other anxiety that had been plaguing him for months. He was...excited. 

The door opened gently, revealing the welcoming home of the Maheswarans. Doug stood at the door with a grin spread across his face, he was incredibly happy to see his daughter. 

“Hi Dad!” 

“Hello Mr.Maheswaran.” Steven smiled back, he was incredibly happy to see a familiar face after so long of seeing strangers. 

“Connie, Steven - welcome! Do you need to...put him anywhere?” Doug pointed towards Lion who had spread his body across the sidewalk to get comfortable. 

“He’ll be fine. He does his own thing most of the time.” Connie stated as she stepped past Doug. Steven was quick to follow. 

Doug stared out the door at the pink lion. It was so...strange. He closed the door slowly behind him, even after years he was still so bewildered by Steven Universe. 

“Hi Mom!” Connie waved at Priyanka in the kitchen. 

“Afternoon Connie. How was the drive yesterday?” Priyanka placed down the pot she was holding. Both her and Doug were putting in a joint effort to make the perfect family dinner. It wasn’t very often they got to sit down as a family anymore, even before it was difficult with both Doug and Priyanka having incredibly different shift patterns. 

With Connie being at college, it had been a long time since they had cooked for more than two people. 

“Pretty good. Didn’t take too long, not quite sure how you and dad manage it so often.” Connie chuckled. Her parents frequently came down to see her on weekends that they were off to spend time together. Most of the time they drove there and back on the same day.

“It’s the new car. It drives so smoothly, it’s as if you’re not driving at all. It has amazing cruise control.” Doug commented as he walked back to the kitchen, Priyanka rolled her eyes at Connie. He had already started talking about the new car that Connie had previously stated he never stopped talking about. 

“How are you, Steven?” Priyanka asked as she dried her hands on a towel. 

“G-good. Thank you.” Steven awkwardly held onto his arm. 

Steven knew that Priyanka and Doug were aware of his history. Connie tried to be close with her parents and often discussed things that went on in her life, Steven was a part of her life and often came up in conversations between them. 

Priyanka was aware of Steven’s history and how he struggled with his mental health which eased Steven’s mind. He felt...safe with the Maheswarans. After all...they were family. 

“Did you have a good birthday yesterday?” 

Steven froze. He didn’t have a good birthday. Could he lie about it?

“It’s nice to be back home. I think I ate a bit too much cake.” Steven chuckled unnervingly. Connie smiled at his response.

“Well, it’s good to treat yourself. Especially on your birthday. Connie, could you help lay the table?” Priyanka moved her attention away from Steven, grabbing a handful of plates before passing them to Connie. 

“Is there any way I could help?” Steven was eager to help out, he didn’t exactly have family meals. He hadn’t really eaten a proper meal with a group of people for...years. 

“You could help with the cutlery.” Connie turned back around, picking up the pile of cutlery and placing them in Steven’s open palms. 

They both walked over to the table, Steven laid out the cutlery - reminiscing on the few times on the road he had gotten small time waiting jobs in a couple of different restaurants. He enjoyed it and for a matter of fact - he was pretty good at it too. 

Everyone helped bring the food over to the table before sitting down together.

“Wow, thank you for inviting me. This all looks so lovely.” Steven beamed, grateful for the meal he was about to eat. Especially grateful for the company that he shared. 

“Oh Steven, thank you.” Priyanka had always been blown away by Steven’s politeness. Despite all of the things that he had been through and the bizarre way in which he was raised, he was incredibly well-spoken and had the manners of a saint. 

“I’ve missed our dinners together.” Connie commented as she reached over to begin to fill her plate with the goods in the middle of the table. 

“So have we, it’s nice to all be together again and at home. It’s a little different when we eat out as a family.” Priyanka followed Connie’s actions, also beginning to fill her plate starting with a spoonful of mash potatoes. 

“At least we don’t have to do the dishes when we go out.” Doug uttered, expressing his hatred for the chore. 

“Well, you’re not wrong.” Priyanka chuckled.

Steven took a mouthful of his food - it was incredibly good. Nothing could beat a homemade meal and after years of Steven being on the road eating nothing but ramen noodles, gas station sandwiches and pancakes it was definitely a treat for his taste buds. 

“So Steven, where are you headed next?” Doug questioned, curious to know about Steven’s travel. 

Steven froze once again. It wasn’t like yesterday. He had to control himself. No more…’Weast’. That was stupid. 

Connie stopped eating, anxiously awaiting Steven’s response. She was terrified that the question may have spooked him once again. Was he ready to talk about it? Should she have been more cautious and warned her parents on what topics not to bring up beforehand? 

“I think I’m going to stick around for a while. Figure out what I want to do next.” Steven spoke calmly. He had done it, successfully. 

Connie stopped holding her breath, she was proud of his answer. 

“You’re still young, you’ve got plenty of time to decide. Ever thought about going abroad? I went to Europe when I was younger, now that’s somewhere everyone needs to go to at least once before they’re thirty.” Doug exclaimed before taking another bite of his meal. 

Steven had been to other countries plenty of times. There were warp pads all across the globe where loads of Gems sights once were. Although he’d never been there to visit any tourist attractions - he hadn’t really thought about the idea. The whole prospect of travel had been thrown out the window. It wasn’t something he wanted to do anymore, now or ever. 

“I haven’t really thought about it. I might have to now though, can’t help but feel as if I’ve seen every state inside out.” Steven smiled, attempting to make conversation despite his words not exactly matching his feelings. 

“Favourite state?” Doug questioned. 

“Delmarva.” 

“I think that’s my favourite too.” Doug grinned, he had moved quite a few times when Connie was younger to find secure work and the first place he found it was in Delmarva. They knew the state as home now, just as Steven did. 

The family continued to eat, exchanging casual chatter amongst one another. Connie spoke briefly about college, telling a story about one of her classmates and their inability to hand assignments in on time. 

Steven listened carefully to everything that was being said.

This was all he ever wanted. He wished he could have experienced it more throughout his life. 

The family meal together was incredibly different but felt so important to him. It was making him realise how much he had missed his family whilst he was away. As much as they weren’t a typical nuclear family, they loved him all the same. 

Connie’s family was different, but a good kind of different. He liked being able to see the conventions of everyday family life. Something he wished he had, but could never get. 

“How’s your car holding up after all those miles?” Doug asked as they all began to clear the table. 

“Pretty good. I guess that’s just the power of a Dondai Supremo.” Steven loved his car and would happily have run it into the ground if it meant he got to continue driving it. Sure, the car was rather old - but it was still incredibly reliable. 

“You should come and see the car I bought last month. Four-wheel drive, it’ll blow your mind.” Doug excitedly expressed his undying love for the car which he had purchased not too long ago. 

“Doug, I’m sure Steven isn’t interested in your car.” Priyanka cupped her head in her hands. 

“Dad…” Connie groaned. 

“I’d love to see it.” Steven politely smiled, much to Connie and Priyanka’s distaste. They had already heard so much about the car. 

“Great! We’ll do the dishes once we’re back. C’mon, Steven - I’ll give you a tour, we can give it a quick spin. We’ll bring some dessert back.” Doug was more than excited to show someone different his new pride and joy. 

Wait...Steven had suddenly volunteered to go to the store with Doug? That wasn’t what he-

“Good luck.” Connie mouthed to Steven as he nervously followed Doug through to the garage. 

Steven walked through the house, following Doug closely. He didn’t know much about cars other than the basics that he had learnt whilst on the road. He did, however, know a lot about his Dondai, but only out of boredom from reading through the manuals for a couple of nights before bed.

Steven looked up to see the large black 4x4. It looked as if it could have been something out of a spy movie it was so large. With a shiny metallic finish and blacked-out windows - it certainly was a fancy car. 

“Woah…” Steven audibly gasped at the sight. 

“Isn’t she a beauty? Here, come have a look inside. Jump in.” Doug gestured for Steven to hop in the passenger side. 

Doug unlocked the car and opened up the driver’s door, climbing inside of the 4x4. Steven walked around the side of the car and opened the passenger door, everything about it screamed luxury. 

Steven was hit with a sweet smell upon opening the door - a bold mixture of Doug’s vanilla air freshener and brand new leather. He got inside of the car, instantly seeing the sheer quality of everything around him. 

“Leather seats, heated steering wheel, heated seats, air conditioning, built-in satnav, cruise control, sunroof, surround sound system and there’s even mood lighting.” Doug explained as he pressed a button, illuminating the dash. 

Steven’s eyes lit up. There was a possibility that Doug’s car was slightly fancier than his new van. 

“Was it...expensive?” Steven cocked an eyebrow, desperately wanting to run his fingers across the dash, but keeping his hands to himself out of politeness. 

“Well...I got it on finance. Priyanka warmed up to the idea...eventually. It’s a gift to myself. I’ll be paying it off for the rest of my life, but it was worth it. Y’know, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do something a little daring - especially if it makes you happy. That’s the most important thing.” Doug pressed a button on his keys, talking in a casual tone as the garage door lifted upwards. 

Steven hadn’t quite prepared himself for a drive with Connie’s dad. That had been completely out of the question. He was going to follow through with it, knowing that making an effort would show Connie his willingness to try. Not only that, but he would also get to spend some time with Doug and a super fancy car. 

“Alright, buckle up. I’ll show you what this bad boy can really do.” Doug grinned, insinuating he was going to speed up and down the block. Was that where Connie got her need for speed?

Steven clicked on his seatbelt and swallowed his nerves. 

Doug was cool. Everything was fine. 

Doug pressed a button on the dash, causing the engine to roar. Steven hadn’t heard a car quite like it before. It was a tank. 

“Sounds good, right?” Doug smirked as he placed both his hands on the steering wheel. 

“Yeah!” Steven was pretty impressed with the sound that the beast made. 

Doug pulled out of the garage before closing the door and pulling off down the street. Steven sat awkwardly in the passenger seat, gripping onto the seatbelt. He stared out the window as the streets passed them by. 

“It’s good to see you, Steven. Was worried you got lost in space or...something. We hadn’t seen you for so long!” Doug commented, attempting to make small talk. They hadn’t seen each other for a few years at least. 

“Not this time.” Steven chuckled uneasily, staring out the window and thinking about that one time that he was lost in space. Oh dear…

He really did feel quite numb. 

“See, I don’t doubt that for a second. Not anymore.” Doug copied Steven’s uneasy chuckle. A couple of years ago they had actively allowed their daughter into space on a mission. Was he crazy? Somewhat, yes. Thankfully his daughter came home safely. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty crazy…” 

The two sat in an awkward silence for a few moments. 

“So...Connie tells me that you two have stayed in contact with each other every day whilst you were away. I hope that you don’t interrupt her studies.” Doug's voice went from casual to stern within seconds. 

“Never. I know how important they are.” Steven nodded. 

“Good. It’s just she’s working so hard and I wouldn’t want her to get distracted. I was pretty good at distracting Priyanka when she was back in med school. I tried not to be - but it was kind of difficult. Especially when she always had her head in a book and I...didn’t.” Doug chuckled as he tried his hardest to relate to Steven. 

“Really?” Steven snorted. It was nice to hear Doug’s story, seeing him in a slightly different light than before. 

“Yeah, we were pretty young at the time. I was really good at keeping her away from her work. Of course, she was usually sensible enough to focus on her work rather than me. It worked out for the best, I just don’t want Connie to get distracted.” Doug’s tone was stern, he knew Connie’s potential was huge. He didn’t want Steven to get in the way of any of that. 

“I understand, I would never want to take Connie away from college. She loves it there.” Steven smiled. 

“So, did you ever go back and visit Connie whilst you were on the road?” Doug cocked an eyebrow, he already knew the answer to the question. Connie had already mentioned Steven visiting. 

“A few times, yeah.” 

“And did you ever stay over?”

“Yeah…” Steven gulped, unsure whether or not he should have confirmed that question. 

“In the same bed?” 

“Y-”

“I know you’re both adults now, but I’m just looking out for my daughter. I want to make sure you’re...you’re...safe...if you’re actively participating in...I just want to make sure that you’re both safe.” Doug gripped tighter on the steering wheel. It was hard to tell who was sweating more, Doug or Steven. 

Could Steven jump out of the car right now and survive the fall? Maybe he could open the door and bubble himself to safety? Sure, he could do that. Anything to get him out of this conversation. 

“I-” Steven had no words. 

“Contraception. A conversation I hope your dad has had with you. It’s...important!” 

“Um…” Steven sank in his seat. He no longer wished to exist. 

Doug readjusted his glasses, at least he was assured of Steven’s maturity. He very much trusted his daughter, but Steven was an oddball. There were so many things he was uncertain on when it came to the boy. 

Doug wanted to make sure that he was doing his duty correctly as a father. Making sure that Connie was safe was his top priority. 

“Oh look, the grocery store!” Doug quickly interrupted as he pointed out the window and took a sharp turn, realising his conversation was a lot more awkward than he first thought it would be. 

Steven let out a small sigh of relief. Never again. Nope. No. 

He’d seen it happen in films before, but he certainly didn’t expect it to happen to him. An awkward conversation with your girlfriend’s father? Sure, he could tick that one off the list. 

Steven waited in the fancy car as Doug went inside the store to quickly grab some frozen yoghurt for dessert. Upon arriving back to the car, Doug passed the bag over to Steven allowing him to sit with it on his lap the whole journey home. 

It took Doug a few moments after getting back in the car to muster up the courage to speak to Steven once again. He didn’t want there to be any awkwardness between the two of them, Doug always wanted to work on making sure that he had good relationships with people. Especially with his daughter’s boyfriend. 

“Steven, you’re a really good kid. Thanks for looking out for Connie the way that you do, it means a lot to her so it means a lot to me too.” Doug smiled over towards Steven. 

Steven sat with the frozen yoghurt on the seat between his legs. He smiled back up towards Doug, despite the awkward conversation that they had previously had, to hear Doug say something so kind was certainly nice. 

“Thanks, she means a lot to me. I would never want to lose her.” Steven proudly stated as he stared back down at the pot of yoghurt. 

“I heard about the proposal a few years ago. That wa-” 

“Embarrassing. Wrong. I know and I’m really sorry.” Steven sighed, still embarrassed by the whole experience. 

Doug paused for a moment. It sounded as if Steven had already punished himself enough for what he had asked. Not only that, Connie rejecting him hurt enough. 

“I was going to say brave. I always tried to bring myself to do it, but never had the guts. Priyanka probably just got fed up with waiting and decided to propose herself. It was somewhat...untraditional, but I don’t think that matters when you love each other.” Doug shrugged with his hands on the steering wheel. 

“Doctor Maheswaran proposed to you?” Connie had never told Steven that story before. 

“Yeah, it was a long time ago now. I obviously said...yes.” 

“Woah.”

“That doesn’t mean that I particularly approved of what you did. I’m just glad that Connie was sensible enough to understand that she was still so young at the time.” 

Steven stared at the dash, he was so embarrassed with what he did. Why would he do that? Why would he ever think that proposing when they were still so young was a good idea?

“Yeah, me too.” Steven sighed. 

“Even though I’m somewhat glad that she said no, I’m incredibly happy that it didn’t ruin your relationship. I think you’re both good for one another and I have no doubt in my mind that one day she will say yes. Just...be patient.” Doug expressed his thoughts clearly. 

“Maybe I’ll just wait for her next time.” Steven chuckled. If Priyanka had proposed to Doug there’s no reason as to why Connie couldn’t eventually propose to him. He was happy to wait.

“That’s not a bad idea.” Doug smiled softly, he really felt as if he had gotten through to Steven. He wished he could have spent more time with the boy, getting to know him was important. 

It was especially important to Connie and that was all that mattered. 

Doug drove back to the house with the two of them happy about what they had spoken about...for the most part. They had never really spoken together like that before and they both believed it was good for the both of them. 

Steven had a lot of respect for Doug. Connie had always stated how close they were together and unlike Priyanka, he had always been a little less strict with Connie. Connie always felt as if she could speak to her dad about everything, despite him not always having the answers. Priyanka on the other hand always seemed to have a more logical and thought out answer for her, which wasn’t what she was always after. 

“I really like the car. It’s pretty cool.” Steven commented as they both got out of the car. 

“Thanks Steven, it’s good to know that someone appreciates it.” Doug grinned as he spun the keys around his finger before locking the car. 

They bought the frozen yoghurt back for everyone to enjoy. Once again sitting around the dinner table and eating. Doug and Steven didn’t mention any of their conversations together and everyone pitched in to make sure that the dishes were all clean. It was a group effort. 

“Steven and I are going to go upstairs for a while.” Connie instructed once everyone had finished both their meals and chores. 

“You know the rules.” Priyanka lowered her eyebrows. 

“Door open - I know.” Connie sighed, somewhat embarrassed by the rule. 

“Good. You may be excused.” 

Connie and Steven went upstairs. Steven hadn’t seen Connie’s room in a long time, but it looked pretty much the exact same as it did when she had left for college. Her parents hadn’t changed the room around at all. 

The same theme stuck in this room as in Connie’s dorm room, although it seemed as if the room was half empty with most of her stuff being back at college. There was just enough in her room for her to stay there for the weekend if she ever needed to. Her desk was empty and there were shaded marks on the wall where photos were once tacked up, only having been transferred over to her dorm. 

Connie closed the door enough to still get away with the rule, keeping it ajar around five inches. It was enough to stay out of trouble.

“So, did you have a good drive with my dad?” Connie questioned as she sat on the spinning office chair opposite Steven who was sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“It was...something.” Steven blushed as he scratched the back of his neck. 

“Oh no...what did he say?”

“He brought up the proposal.” 

“Steven...I’m sorry.” Connie still felt as awkward as Steven on the topic. She still felt incredibly bad for somewhat rejecting him. 

“It’s okay, that wasn’t the worst of it.” Steven gulped as he stared at the shaggy carpet below. 

“Steven…” 

“He asked some...questions.” Steven pressed his index fingers together as he avoided eye contact. 

“What questions…” 

“Um, just...you know what - nevermind.” 

“Steven…” 

“Well, he asked if I would come and see you if we slept in the same bed together and I said yes.” Steven spoke quickly as his eyes widened. 

“Steven!”

"Was I supposed to say yes? Is that bad?"

"Oh..."

“You can use your imagination to figure out what else he asked about...or at least...informed me about. I panicked.” 

Connie buried her face in her hands and groaned. 

“Well, that’s it - I guess I can never look my parents in the eyes ever again.” Connie sighed feeling incredibly embarrassed with the conversation that Steven and her father had together. 

“The car was really fun! Did you know it has heated seats?” Steven attempted to brighten the mood. 

“Oh no, he’s changed you.” Connie lifted her head from her hands and chuckled. 

“Well…” Steven laughed along with her. 

Connie got off the chair and moved herself to beside Steven. They had managed to have a nice weekend together after all. Tomorrow Steven would drive Connie back to campus and everything would be the same as it was before...or maybe not. 

“So, whilst you were out I spoke to my mom about different types of therapy you might want to try.” Connie explained as Steven turned his head to face her. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, she’s going to recommend a few people who she’s worked with in the past. A lot of them also do therapy over video calls too, so if you ever did decide to move away from the area you can still keep in contact with them. A bit like your therapist now, but they may have different techniques to share.” Connie explained, she was only trying to look out for Steven and getting him a suitable therapist was important. 

“Thanks…” Steven smiled. He was pleased that Connie was there to look out for him and didn’t spend any time waiting around. 

Connie wanted Steven to receive help now and with that being said, she was willing to search for it. Steven had been having a much better day than yesterday and was thankful for it. Steven certainly enjoyed feeling somewhat normal throughout the day, despite being filled with a numbness he couldn’t explain. It was as if his mind was too tired to feel anything which made him feel nothing at all. 

“Back to college tomorrow…” Connie sighed. 

“You can always stay at home - it is summer.” Steven mentioned shyly. Of course, he wanted Connie to stay around, it would have meant he would have something to hang with that wasn’t the Gems whilst he was in a state of...confusion.

“I need to prepare myself for next semester. The more I get ahead now the better.” Connie commented, knowing that her mindset was still focused on college. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” 

“Now that you’re back we could spend more time together - right?” Connie tilted her head. 

“Yeah, of course! All I need is Lion and I’ll be right there. I won’t even have to drive.” 

Steven wanted nothing more than to settle down, especially with Connie. Would now have been a good time to ask her about potentially moving into a house together? An apartment? Anything? 

Not yet. It didn’t seem right. He wanted to be patient, but it was so hard when he got an idea in his mind. 

Didn't Doug tell him to do what would make him happy? 

'Bite the bullet'.

He just needed to ask and be patient. 

“That seems like a pretty good idea.” 

“It sure does…” Steven sighed. 

“Steven?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to be okay when I go back? You know I’m always there for you - no matter what. All you need to do is ring me and I’ll answer. You know I will. We can talk about things whenever you need to. I don’t want you to be alone.” Connie spoke softly as she turned and gently held onto Steven’s hand. 

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine. I’m going to look for some help and just...take it easy for a bit. I’ll spend time with the Gems. Then I might try and look for a house with some of that fancy garden furniture.” Steven confirmed. 

“Just take it easy. You need to recover, take some time for yourself to relax. Play video games every day if you need to.” Connie chuckled.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll have to try and relax.” Steven wasn’t quite sure how to do such a thing, he fell backwards onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. His mind was always racing so violently that relaxing didn’t exactly come easy to him. It seemed like an impossible task. 

Their plan for the rest of the evening included going back to Steven’s and spending the night before heading back to Connie’s college in the morning. Steven just wished there was more time within the day to hang out, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. It was already early evening and they needed to start thinking about going back to Steven’s. 

Connie followed Steven’s lead, falling back and staring at the ceiling that she had spent her whole childhood looking up to trying to find the answers that she sought at the time. Most of which related to the loneliness that she had felt before she met Steven. Everyone seemed to have an abundance of friends except Connie who spent most of her time alone. She was glad that managed to change quickly after meeting Steven. Everything just became easier. 

“Thank you for today. It felt...normal.” Steven sighed, having had a good day in comparison to his birthday. 

“You don’t have to keep thanking me for everything. You know that, right?”

“I know, but it just feels right. You deserve it. You deserve the world.”

“How about the universe?” Connie smirked before prodding Steven gently in his side. 

Steven laughed at the joke, squirming slightly from Connie’s jab. He sometimes wished she wouldn’t do that, he was just too ticklish. 

“You already have the universe...or at least a Universe.” 

“That’s okay, I like that one.” 

“Well, that’s a relief.” Steven smiled, feeling warm inside knowing he had someone as special as Connie in his life. He just loved her so much. 

He wanted to ask her. 

He needed to ask her. 

He didn’t want to live alone. 

He wanted to live with Connie. 

He had to ask her...

He was going to ask her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope that wasn't too awkward hahaha. Much love to you all. 
> 
> Also, everyone playing poker was a must in this story. I just had to do it. I also have no idea how to play poker so with my brief amount of Googling I hope I didn't make a complete fool of myself. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of the chapter below! Do you have a favourite part?


	9. Reflection of Youth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven drives Connie back to college and realises that the changes he had experienced over the weekend were enough to trigger lots of erratic emotional responses. 
> 
> Steven faces the reality of his mental health not being an overnight fix. There's nowhere else to run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, just wanted to stop by and say thank you once again for reading. 
> 
> I worked incredibly hard on this chapter and managed to write the whole thing in a single day...yeah...I'm not okay. I went through the motions writing all these emotions and I must have gone through at least twelve different 'sad indie' playlists on Spotify. 
> 
> Things get a little heavy for our boy Steven in this chapter and if they way his emotions went up and down in this chapter were put onto a graph - it would make a pretty good plan for a new rollercoaster. I use a few different writing styles with this one and Steven's emotions are still meant to be incredibly erratic and irrational. I touch a lot on PTSD in this chapter and how the events of the weekend had started to trigger something inside of him. It's not good. Try not to cry.
> 
> This is the penultimate chapter and yes before you ask - the articles that Connie reads with all the questions in? Yeah, it's real. REAL STUPID. HA. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy going through 13,000 words of emotion...welcome to chapter 9 of Emotional Self-Control. It's time for me to Connverse your universe.

Ask her. What’s the worst that could happen?

She’s going to reject you just like before. It’ll be the ultimate shutdown. A real slam dunk. You’re going to feel terrible. 

She wouldn’t do that to you. Even if she did, it would be with a good reason. Connie’s smart and thinks logically, she would have a logical explanation for saying no. It wouldn’t be about you. 

It’s not about you. Stop trying to make it all about you, Steven. You’re such an awful person. 

No. 

You promised yourself you wouldn’t think like that anymore. Okay, occasionally you’re not that great, like that time you shattered Jasper or-

Stop it. 

Connie. You want to be better for everyone. You want to be better for Connie. 

Connie would never want to move in with you if you act like a crazy person, always thinking bad things about yourself. It’s driving you nuts. You are crazy. You’re terrible. 

Ugh. Stop! I can’t take it anymore. Happy thoughts. The beach. Pearl. Garnet. Amethyst. Connie. Dad. Ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream…anything else or is that all you’ve got? C’mon Steven, work with me here. You’re a nightmare. 

It’s kind of a good thing none of the Gems can read your mind because otherwise, this is all they would be able to hear. Over and over just a constant voice telling me I’m not good enough or that ice cream is one of the defining factors of my happiness. 

Yes, I do occasionally enjoy eating ice cream. Is that so wrong? Can I have some kind of peace within my life? Can I have some kind of normality? Why do you have to torture me like this? What did I do? 

Inside your mind, there’s a widdie biddie little baby Steven who’s walking around in circles shouting ‘help’ in a void of darkness. That’s your mind by the way - the void. Nobody can hear him scream except for yourself. It’s actually pretty weird to think about. Another little version of yourself - trapped forever. 

Remember that time when you witnessed hundreds of versions of yourself die right in front of your eyes? They claimed they were from alternate timelines. You watched them all die…

Ugh. I don’t want to think about that right now. Why would you bring that up? 

Right. Get yourself focused. Your goal is to speak to Connie about moving in together. Now, is that so hard? 

What if she says no?

You’ve already been over this, Steven. Shut up and do it already. 

No, not yet. We should wait until later. That way, if she says no then the journey back to her college won’t be super awkward.

Good thinking, Steven. At least then you can think it over some more. How you’ll phrase the question and whatnot. 

‘Hello Connie, would you like to move into the lovely home that I have not yet purchased?’ 

‘Hey Connie, any chance you would like to move in together?’

‘Sup honey, wanna be roomies?’

Definitely not. 

‘So, Connie? Would you like to perhaps move into a house together because I, Steven Universe have around four mental health disorders that are described with long acronyms. This means that I probably shouldn’t be left at home on my own. I shouldn’t be anywhere on my own. I need you, Connie. I need you to move in with me because I won’t be able to mentally cope without you and I’m going to spiral into a deep dark never-ending pit of depression.’

Maybe that one was a bit too much…

Oh Steven, why can’t you just be normal? She’s your girlfriend. She could say yes or she could say no, it’s not like the proposal. Maybe you could give her the ring you got? Hm, maybe then she will think it’s a proposal. That’s probably a bad idea. 

Connie will love and support you no matter what. 

Maybe you should move next to her college so that you can walk over there every day to walk her from her dorm to the library. That sounds much better than a phone call, but would that get annoying? Would she hate me? She would definitely hate me. 

If that’s the case, she may as well just move in. Yeah! Why would she want to be in a dorm room anyway when she could be in a house! A nice big house with windows and...um...doors? Yeah…

What if we broke up? 

We wouldn’t break up…

We’d still be friends. Wouldn’t we? Yeah, of course. 

Two rooms. Just in case she gets fed up with me. I can see that happening pretty easily, you’re pretty hard to be around. 

Oh, Steven...you’re a mess. 

Worthless. You’re worried about something that won’t even happen. You’ll never be able to move in with her, she’s too good for you. There’s no reason why someone like Connie would want to move in with you. 

She’s your best friend. That’s what best friends do. They move in together and become quirky roommates like every American sitcom ever made. There’s nothing wrong with that. 

You’re not just best friends anymore, you’re dating. That doesn’t matter, it’s pretty much exactly the same! We just get to kiss now…

We must protect this relationship at all costs. For the kissing! For the cuddles! Yes!

I can’t believe that you really think th-

“Steven?” 

Steven looked up towards the voice that had taken him away from his vacant thoughts. He blinked rapidly, his mind had really drifted back then. 

“Yeah?”

“Is everything alright? You’ve been sitting in here for a while...you don’t have to take the van if you don’t want to.” Connie sat herself down in the passenger seat of the van. 

Steven had been staring vacantly into nothingness in the driver’s seat of the van for what seemed like hours. He had been swallowed by his own thoughts. Consumed. 

“No, it’s okay. I want to drive the van.” Steven insisted - he was actually pretty excited to drive the new van. 

“I’m all packed up and ready to go whenever you are.” Connie confirmed. 

The pair had a lovely evening the night before at Connie’s parents. They had successfully spent the whole day together which they had both thoroughly enjoyed. They had gone back to Steven’s pretty late after yet another walk together. 

Steven had spent most of the time within his own mind, now terrified that Connie would be leaving him once he dropped her back at college. He didn’t want to be alone. 

He wouldn’t have been alone. He would have still had Connie, he would have still had the Gems around. It just wasn’t the same...he wanted to wake up beside Connie every morning. He wanted to make her breakfast and drive her to any place that she wanted to go. He wanted to tell her that he loved her every single morning without it being through a telephone. 

Steven had already wasted so much of their time together. There was no need to wait. 

Truth be told, Steven was scared. Scared of being rejected by Connie, but more importantly scared of being alone. He wanted to take the next big step in his life and move out, but that was something he knew he wouldn’t feel comfortable doing by himself. He had already spent so much time alone that he was no longer in any place to move in by himself. 

He didn’t think he could mentally cope. 

“I’ll say goodbye to the Gems.” Steven smiled before clambering out of the van. 

He was coming back after taking Connie to college, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to say goodbye to everyone for the time being. He could easily go to Connie’s college and back within the day and that was what he had been planning on doing. It was just under a four-hour drive and although it was incredibly long, he had gotten used to the driving. 

It would have been nicer in the van anyway - if he got too tired he could park up and crawl into the bed in the back. It was perfect. He truly was grateful for the gift that they had gotten him. He just wished he had the mental capacity to use the van for its intended purpose. 

Before Steven could get any further than the steps, the Gems had already made their way down to the beach to meet both of them. 

“We thought we’d come and wave goodbye.” Pearl smiled as she stood at the bottom of the steps. 

Steven looked up at them all. He had missed them so much and was happy to be around them once again. All he wanted was to be in a place where he felt safe and anywhere where either the Gems or Connie were was just the place to feel somewhat...fine. 

“I’ll be back tonight!” Steven chuckled. It wasn’t going to be like all of the previous goodbyes that they had every other time that he had left. 

Them goodbyes hurt. Steven usually spent an hour of his journey after leaving Beach City crying behind the steering wheel when he used to leave. He felt ridiculous, but there was nothing he could do to stop his emotions from flowing. Leaving them behind felt wrong, but he still did it every single time without fail. 

He shouldn’t have left in the first place. There was no point. He regretted nearly everything. 

“That’s not soon enough.” Garnet folded over her arms with a grin. 

“It’s sooner than before…” Steven mumbled under his breath. 

“We’re just happy to know you’re coming home.” Pearl commented as she gently placed her hand on Steven’s shoulder. 

Steven looked up towards her, uncertainty in his eyes. What if he didn’t come back? What if he took the van and went away forever? If Connie said no...maybe that should have been his plan. 

He wouldn’t have been able to cope on his own in the middle of nowhere - but he deserved it. He deserved to suffer alone. 

No. No, he didn’t. 

Steven blinked rapidly, attempting to shake the thoughts. Despite fighting so hard against them all weekend, it didn’t stop them from rapidly intruding his thinking process. He didn’t want to feel as bad as he did. It wasn’t fair. 

When would all of it end? 

“You’ll text when you’re on your way back?” Pearl asked as she continued to hold onto Steven. 

“We’ll wait up for you!” Amethyst raised her voice. 

“You don’t have to sleep...” Steven furrowed his eyebrows. 

“You don’t have to do a lot of things, but they’re still cool to do anyway.” Amethyst shrugged. 

Connie walked over, having finished putting her bag in the van. She had gotten fed up waiting for Steven when she knew he would be caught up talking to the Gems. 

“Connie, you’ll have to keep us updated with college. It was so nice to see you again.” Pearl pushed her fingers together as she spoke. 

“I will. You too, Pearl! It was great to see you all.” Connie hugged Pearl, she had always been a great mentor. Pearl smiled down at Connie, happy to accept the affection. 

Connie was incredibly close to the Gems considering the adventures they had all shared together over the years. The Gems had a lot of respect for Connie and vice versa. Connie had missed all of their misadventures whilst she had been away in college. 

She never really attempted to tell any of her friends at college what she usually spent her summers doing and how she was a frequent traveller to space. It wasn’t exactly a conversation that came up and even if it did...it was pretty complex to explain. As far as everyone at her college knew, her boyfriend was just some dude who lived his life freely by travelling the states. 

She had never been embarrassed by Steven, but having that conversation with her friends would have been complicated. It was better this way. At least that’s what she thought, she never wanted Steven to think that she was embarrassed by him. 

“I’ll see you all later. Don’t wait up for me!” Steven pointed at Amethyst with a smile. He couldn’t wait to spend some quality time with them all. 

As soon as he got back home he would start to map out his life. Figure out what he wanted in life. Was that such a good idea? He had already made a plan last time and that didn’t turn out anything like what he wanted previously. Maybe he should have just decided to go with the flow. Do whatever he believed was right in the moment. 

He needed to map out his path for the future. He needed to find out what he wanted to do before the end of the year. As soon as he got home he would have to look into the therapists that Connie had already suggested and then begin to look at where he may want to live - if Connie said yes of course. 

Steven knew that if Connie were to say anything other than yes that he would drive as far away as possible. Would it have been possible to leave everyone behind for good? To run away from everything that plagued him in his life? Without everyone in it, he could escape...perhaps he could drive to The Great North and never look back? 

He wasn’t heartless. He couldn’t just drop...everything. 

He couldn’t just...leave. 

But wasn’t that what he had already done? 

No. He couldn’t leave everyone behind. Doing that would mean he wouldn’t have been able to speak to them again. He wouldn’t have even been able to attend Connie’s graduation or watch as everyone around him became successful as he stayed at home trying to understand basic division. 

Maybe...it wasn’t such a bad thing. 

“Steven, are you coming?” Connie questioned as Steven stood staring blankly at the sand below. 

He had to find focus. He couldn’t keep being consumed by the thoughts that haunted him. None of them were good. They were making him believe things that weren’t true. They were making him want to do things that he wouldn’t have usually dared to think about. 

“See you later, Steven.” Amethyst waved as the Gems all stood together. 

Steven silently lifted his arm and waved back before spinning on his heel and heading back towards the van. 

He was twenty-one years old. He could have done anything with his life at this point. What were other people his age doing? Playing poker? Drinking alcohol from red cups? Why did he not have a clear understanding of reality? Why was life so cruel? 

He didn’t really know anyone his age. 

Just yesterday everything seemed as if it had some sort of normality attached to it. Walking along the beach with your girlfriend and then going to their parent's house for a family meal? That seemed pretty normal. That seemed pretty human. 

Just like Friday, he was beginning to experience all kinds of emotions again. Perhaps it was the fact it felt as if he was leaving Beach City for good again? Was he afraid that he might never come back? That when he did come back he would have it back in his mind that everyone would hate him? 

They didn’t hate him. He had already established all of this and yet that’s all he thought about. 

Nobody liked Steven Universe. Not even Steven Universe himself. 

Steven breathed heavily as he made his way over to the van. He had to control himself. He couldn’t let himself get upset in front of Connie again. He was sure that Connie hated him, he was overly emotional and pathetic. 

Pathetic. What did she tell her parents about him behind closed doors? That he’s a loose cannon? That’s he’s a blubbering mess? Is that why Doug spoke to him? To see if he was emotionally stable enough? 

He didn’t cry in the car with Doug so that was a bonus. Was he being judged on his awkward responses? He wasn’t unstable - he just thought a lot about a lot of things...all the time. 

Connie opened up the passenger door of the van at the same time in which Steven entered. Steven clicked his seatbelt on and pushed the key into the ignition. 

The wheels spun on the sand below as Steven backed the car up on the beach before turning around and heading off. As they left both Steven and Connie waved out of the windows at the Gems before they panned out of sight in the van’s wing mirrors. 

“First long journey in the van, how does it feel?” Connie asked as she leant on the door and stared out the window. 

“Pretty good. We’ll put it to the test.” Steven lied through his teeth. 

He felt sick. 

He didn’t want to drive anywhere. Driving back to Connie’s college meant one thing. 

No more Connie. No more travelling. No more hiding from himself. It represented the end of an era. Did he really want that?

He wanted to get better. He had to. 

The added stress of attempting to ask Connie if she wanted to move in with him? It was what he wanted, he had to tell her! He had to tell her what he wanted else he would never hear her answer. There was no point in keeping it to himself else his thoughts would never have become reality. 

‘Oh Steven, I think it would be really neat if we moved in together.’ is what Steven wished that Connie would just hurry up and say to him as they drove away. Wouldn’t that just make his life easier? 

Could somebody cut him some slack for once? 

Steven and Connie spent the day travelling back to Connie’s college. Steven just hoped that Connie would fall asleep so that he could let his emotions free for just a few moments. Unfortunately, she had decided to look at some cheesy questions on her phone instead. 

Steven would have been lying if he said that he didn’t enjoy being quizzed. It was entertaining and made both of them laugh. 

“Okay, next one. If you had to give up television or the internet forever which one would you choose?” Connie excitedly asked as she read the question from a strange website on her phone. 

“Can you watch things on the internet still?” 

“I guess...it’s not that specific.” 

“Then I guess it would have to be television then. If I could still watch everything I wanted to watch on the internet, then there would be no point in television.” Steven shrugged as he repositioned his hands on the steering wheel. He hadn’t watched television in a long time, mostly watching everything on his phone in the back of his car. 

The question seemed outdated. 

“Oh, this one seems cool. Okay, so if you could be any inanimate object what would you be? Just going to throw in the fact that if you were this object you’d be self-aware that you were that object.” Connie explained as she asked the question. 

Steven pondered on his answer for a couple of seconds. 

“Television!”

“Now you’re just cheating!”

“It’s smart, this way I get the best of both worlds. Internet and television!” Steven smirked, he had figured out the way around the question. 

“If you were a television you wouldn’t be able to use the internet.” 

“Maybe I’m a smart TV…” Steven snorted.

“Okay, fine. You win that one.” Connie shook her head as she continued to lazily scroll through the questions. 

Most of the questions were either heavily inappropriate or just insane. Connie skipped through every single question she thought might bring negativity to Steven, most of which were mentioning future life goals. The worst thing she could have done was to upset him further. Harmless and fun questions were only there to pass the time. 

“Ooo, they have a list of relationship questions. ‘One hundred and fifty cute questions to ask your boyfriend’, interesting…” Connie teased as she flicked through the list. 

Steven didn’t like the sound of that. First, he was asked to choose between television and the internet and now he was going to be quizzed about his relationship? He knew it was a cute activity, he just had to play along. 

“Hm, I don’t think we’ll have time for all one hundred and fifty.” Steven nervously gulped. 

“Some of these are hilarious and also borderline outdated and sexist. ‘Do you think I look cute even when I play tomboy sports?’ - what kind of a question is that?” Connie snorted. 

“What counts as a ‘tomboy sport’?” Steven was pretty confused. 

“Let me rephrase. Do I look cute when I help you fight bad guys?” 

“Yeah! Always.” Steven smiled, his cheeks blushing slightly. 

Connie attempted not to show her little grin as she glanced out the window before going back to scrolling through the bizarre list of questions. These websites truly had no shame in what they decided to publish. 

“Three words you would use to describe me!” Connie pulled away from the phone, turning to Steven and anxiously waiting for an answer. 

“Three?”

“Three.” Connie repeated. 

Steven tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. Three words to describe Connie? Shouldn’t that just come naturally to him? Who was he kidding? It did come to him naturally, he had loads of words to describe Connie. 

“Um...smart, caring, brave and beautiful.” Steven grinned, he found the words a little too easy in his mind - not so easy to say aloud. 

“Aw Steven…” Connie swooned, overwhelmed by his answer - but also trying hard not to point out that he had given her four answers rather than the three that were requested. She didn’t mind, they were all nice regardless of how many there were. 

“Your turn.” Steven thought of plenty of words to describe himself within seconds. Worthless. Helpless. Pathetic. A lost cause. Stupid. Childish. Sensitive. Overly emotional. 

“Kind-hearted, honest, thoughtful, adorable, funny, loyal, irreplaceable, charming and handsome.”

“That’s way more than three!” Steven laughed, he carefully thought about all of the words that she had mentioned. There was one that stuck out the most to him, one that made him feel so special. 

Irreplaceable. 

“You did four!” Connie teased back as she pointed towards Steven who was still driving them back towards the college. 

“Oh yeah…” Steven chuckled, he had purposefully ignored the question. 

Steven was somewhat terrified that Connie would ask some questions about their future together. What did that look like? Steven had spent months fantasizing about the life that they would share together in the future. Could that have been a reality? Was that all just a pipedream? 

“I hate all of these questions, they’re all so awful.” Connie sighed, she was right - the questions were terrible. Most of them had incredibly obvious answers. You should have to ask your boyfriend if he loved you - wasn’t that just expected? 

Steven had a question to ask Connie. An incredibly important question. Was now the right time to ask her? It would fit within the theme of the conversation and wouldn’t come across as too obvious. 

No. Now wasn’t the right time. 

Was there going to be a right time? The answer was unknown. Steven wouldn’t know until he at least attempted to formulate the correct words in his mind. He wanted to make sure they would be the right words - the ones that meant she would say yes. 

Steven had less anxiety proposing to her. At least then he didn’t think she was capable of saying no to him. He hated knowing that was now a possibility. 

Connie had every right to say no, but it wasn’t as if Steven had ever expected that to be an answer from her. He couldn’t quite see at the time if they both loved each other what would be the problem? That was the whole reason why people got married. 

He understood now the reasons why. He really was an idiot to ever think that she would say yes. It was a terrible idea and he should have felt incredibly bad for putting Connie under all of that pressure. He did feel bad and he didn’t want to do that again. 

Would asking her to move in together be that same kind of pressure? Would she feel as if she would have to say yes because he was in such a fragile mental state? Was it fair on Connie to ask her? 

It wasn’t exactly nice for Steven to keep the question locked within his mind, swimming about constantly trying to gain traction. It was drowning. The question was drowning within his own thoughts and there was nothing that he could do to stop it. 

Steven and Connie made a stop at a diner on the way back to college for lunch. Steven sat anxiously with a bowl of fries, mostly digging to the bottom to try and find the most crispy ones. He found some sort of comfort in them. 

Connie opted for a new plant-based burger that she was excited to try. It didn’t exactly taste like anything that she expected, but it was pretty good. 

They had both chosen milkshakes too. Connie going for classic vanilla and Steven choosing the strawberry. 

Steven’s facade was slipping as the journey continued. He was beginning to get tired of looking incredibly happy all the time. Perhaps too happy. He certainly wasn’t in the mood to be happy. He was anything but happy!

Steven began to think about what his next journey back to Beach City would look like. Would he want to go back? Would he even be in the mood? It worried him that he was considering options that included never going back. That wasn’t what he wanted in the long term, that was just something that he would want in the heat of the moment. 

Steven stared out the window of the diner as he sipped on the milkshake. Cars whizzed past the window, the diner situated on the side of the highway. It wasn’t so long ago since he had worked in a diner exactly like this one. He had spent a lot of time during the quiet hours of the day cleaning tables and looking out the window at the passing cars. 

He missed working there for a short period of time, he just wished he was better at it. He just wished he was better at being normal. 

Connie saw the glum expression spread on Steven’s face. She too was upset, unsure on how to help Steven out of his slump. She hadn’t seen him properly for months and last time they had been together he had been a lot more vocal about his travels. Now it seemed as if the only things he were focused on were bad thoughts within his mind. 

Connie had no idea how to solve the issues, she hated watching him suffer. She just knew that within his mind he was internally beating himself up about something ridiculous. How was she supposed to counter his thoughts? She found it pretty difficult herself, torn on what to do to make him stop suffering. 

“They’re pretty good milkshakes, right?” Connie spun her straw around the glass. 

Steven attempted to unlock himself from the trance he was in upon hearing Connie’s voice. 

“Y-yeah. Pretty good...” Steven forced a smile as he took another sip of the milkshake. 

The truth was, he didn’t feel like eating or drinking anything. His appetite had swiftly been replaced by nervousness. The bowl of fries was starting to go cold and unlike Connie, the milkshake he had was still over half full. 

Connie glanced down at the bowl of fries, she had noticed he hadn’t been eating unlike her who had finished her whole meal a few minutes ago. Steven had spent most of their time together in the diner somewhere else - the back of his mind. 

He wanted to spend the weekend with Connie doing absolutely everything together. That’s what he had envisioned, there was nothing about his thoughts taking over. That just wasn’t part of the deal he had made with himself. Nothing was as he planned. 

Connie desperately wanted to make sure Steven was okay but asking him such a question would have been stupid. She knew that he wasn’t okay. She could see that he wasn’t okay. 

How and was she supposed to get him out of the rut? She couldn’t help but feel as if that was her responsibility. Was it? If it wasn’t her responsibility then whose was it? 

“Is the van as fun to drive as the Dondai?” Connie attempted to spark a conversation, an attempt to get Steven’s mind away from his swimming thoughts. 

“The van? Yeah, it’s fun. Feels different, but I think that’s because I’m not used to it.” Steven shrugged. He was entirely distracted by the outside world. 

“It’s a lot bigger than the Dondai.” 

“I’ve driven my dad’s van a few times before. It sort of feels like that.” Steven sipped the milkshake once again. 

Why did he feel as if his speech was so broken? Why couldn’t he hold a nice conversation with Connie? Just yesterday they were laughing and joking with one another - why couldn’t it have been like that again? That’s all he wanted. 

“Steven…” Connie sighed, she could see how vacant he was. 

“Yeah?” Steven took his focus away from outside, wanting to put his sole focus on Connie. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Connie questioned, not wanting to ask the generic question which would end with generic answers. She already knew that he wasn’t alright, there was no need to establish that. 

“Talk about what?” Steven played dumb in an attempt not to talk about how he was feeling. 

“Steven, you know what I’m talking about...” Connie furrowed her eyebrows, she had grown frustrated with his inability to want to communicate.

It hurt Steven to see the disappointment on her face. What was he doing with himself? Were his selfish feelings really worth the suffering it caused Connie? There was no way that she enjoyed watching him suffer the way that he was. He couldn’t help it. He wanted it to stop, but no matter what his thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel about anything anymore. I don’t want to talk about it.” Steven gripped onto his hair. He didn’t want to make a scene and he certainly didn’t want to turn pink out of frustration. 

He was fine. Everything was fine. Just yesterday everything was near to perfect - why could things change so quickly? 

An explanation for the way he felt could have been the changes that he witnessed coming back home over the weekend. They all related back to traumatic events from his past. Going back home was enough to trigger everything within his mind, including the bad memories that Beach City held. 

Leaving home? Well, that would be a logical explanation for the way he felt at the moment. Bringing back harsh memories from when he left the first time? That would make sense. Steven had been afraid to leave in the beginning and coming back was just as terrifying. Leaving again? Yeah...that couldn’t have been good for him - even if he knew logically he would be back home again in a few hours. 

“Maybe we should go…” Connie gave Steven an uneasy look, she glanced around the diner. The last thing she wanted being for Steven to glow in front of everyone in the diner - none of them would understand. 

“I’m never going to change, am I?” Steven gripped tighter onto his hair, he was sure that if he pulled any harder his hair would fall out. 

“Steven, let’s pay and then we can head off. We haven’t got far now.” Connie reached over the table, placing her hand on Steven’s arm. 

Steven glanced down at her touch. He needed to calm down. Steven took a deep breath and removed his grip from his hair. 

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys to the van before sliding them across the table to Connie. 

“I’m going to go to the bathroom. Meet me in the van?” Steven tilted his head, giving Connie a sad look. 

“Okay…” Connie was unsure of the plan as she closed her hand around the keys. She watched as Steven reached into his pocket and placed a bill on the table. It was far too much money, even with the tip - but Connie wasn’t prepared to make that judgement. 

Connie knew well enough to give Steven some space when he asked for it. Steven shoved his hands into his pockets and paced towards the only bathroom in the establishment. He walked inside and immediately shut the door, locking it as quickly as possible and resting his back against it. 

Steven breathed heavily. He couldn’t let Connie see him like this, not if he was going to ask her to move in with him. He was a loose cannon and he needed to prove otherwise. He had to calm down. 

His chest was tight, was he having another panic attack? Why did Connie have to ask to talk about it? Sometimes he wished that she wasn’t so caring...that was a lie. He loved how much she cared. He loved that she cared about him. 

He had no self-control. There was no way to stop himself from feeling the way that he did. Why did he feel so bad? Why did everything make him feel terrible about himself? 

He was terrible. 

Steven stumbled over to the sink, dipping his head downwards as he turned on the faucet and began to violently splash water over his face. He wasn’t sure if it would help, but he could sure try. 

He glanced up at the mirror in front of him. He saw someone he didn’t quite recognise. He breathed heavily as he stared into the mirror, seeing the mess of a person before him. His hair was completely out of place from where he had pulled it so tightly, his eyes were surrounded by darkness and the stubble he had been growing became slightly more noticeable. His t-shirt was wet from the water he had just splashed on himself. 

Steven was a mess. 

The sight of himself made him angry. This wasn’t who he wanted to be - was this how Connie saw him? Was this how his whole family saw him? 

His eyebrows dropped as his frustration grew, staring deep into the reflection. He couldn’t control how fast his emotions changed, he was completely beneath himself. Steven gripped onto either side of the sink as he clenched his teeth together in anger. 

Steven watched as his skin began to glow a bright shade of pink. This wasn’t who he wanted to be. He had to make it go away. 

“Argh!” Steven screamed as he raised his fist and slammed it into the middle of the mirror. 

Steven watched in a panic as the mirror cracked, distorting his view of himself. Suddenly, the mirror shattered - falling off the wall and into the sink and over the floor. 

Steven dived forward, attempting to catch some of the pieces. His pink glow disappeared as he held his hands out for the pieces, glass shards cutting into his hands as he attempted to catch them. 

“No! No! No!” Steven panicked as he dropped to his knees, sweating heavily as he tried to ignore the pain in his hands. He just hoped that nobody had heard the crash outside. 

Steven felt every emotion possible as he knelt down on the bathroom floor attempting to push all the pieces of glass together. He stuck his finger in his mouth to heal the gash that he had gotten from the glass. 

He couldn’t tell Connie about what had happened. She would never want to be with someone so erratic. His behaviour was unacceptable and he knew it. 

“Please, c’mon...just...ugh…” Steven whispered to himself as he tried to get all of the pieces together. There were too many of them - everywhere. 

He bubbled as many shards as he could before popping it over the trash can in the corner. He couldn’t get every piece, that would have been impossible. 

Steven glanced down at his hands, somewhat bloody from the accident. He felt disgusting enough to simply spit on his hands and heal whatever cuts he had, there was no need for Connie to know about it. There was no need to worry her over nothing. He had just lost his temper with himself, that was all. 

Steven sobbed as he turned on the faucet, washing his hands and making sure any small pieces of mirror that had fallen were now in the trash or down the sink. There was no way of making this any better, no matter how much he tried to wash off. 

He glanced up at where the mirror once sat, it turned out he had hit the mirror a little too hard. The wall had quite the dent punched into it. Steven couldn’t fix that…

Steven wiped his eyes as he leant on the sink. He couldn’t keep doing this. He couldn’t keep living his life in so much pain. Everything was too much. Why couldn’t it all just be fine? Why did he have to live like this? 

“C’mon Steven, pull yourself together.” Steven mumbled to himself as he splashed water over his face once more. 

He grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser and used it to wipe his hands and face before brushing back his hair, a stale attempt to make it look somewhat presentable. Steven stood up straight and adjusted his jacket, breathing deeply as he forced a wide smile. 

Happy. He had to be happy. He had to be fine. 

What would Connie say if she found out about this? She most certainly wouldn't have been happy. He didn’t want her to know the true extent of his emotional insecurity. 

Steven took a deep breath as he unlocked the bathroom door and closed it behind him gently. Nobody in the diner seemed to be looking at him, it was likely that nobody had heard the crash that he had made.

He reached into his pocket and as he passed the table that they were sat on he threw another couple of notes, he was hoping that would help to replace the mirror and help with the...hole he had started to create in the wall where the mirror once stood. 

Steven shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and paced out of the diner back to the van. He opened up the van door and climbed in, Connie was sitting inside worried out of her mind, but instead showed it by anxiously scrolling through her phone. 

“Better?” Connie asked as she put down the phone. She was too smart not to realise that Steven’s desire for the bathroom didn’t come from the need for an empty bladder - it was most certainly a tactic to get himself emotionally ready to continue the drive. 

Although Connie wasn’t aware of the full extent that Steven went to calm himself down, she knew it wouldn’t have just been the case of doing some breathing exercises. Connie immediately noticed the dark patch around the neck of his t-shirt where he had splashed the water. 

“Yeah.” Steven smiled as he clicked on his seatbelt. 

Connie didn’t know what to do to make the situation any better. All she could do was be there for Steven, but was that all he needed? Steven needed help and the sheer guilt she felt for leaving Steven whilst going back to college was intense, but that shouldn’t have been the case - she didn’t want them to have a toxic relationship built on guilt. They had never wanted that. 

There wasn’t much of the journey left after they finished up at the diner, Steven could have easily have gotten back to Beach City before it got dark if he didn’t manage to run into any traffic on the way back.

Steven just wished that the journey took longer, but it was near impossible to take a different route as the satnav sat in the middle of them both in the van. He had debated taking the wrong road on purpose, a sure way to allow them to spend more time together, but that would have been wrong. Steven wasn’t like that...or at least he didn’t want to be like that. 

He was worried that over the weekend with his behaviour that Connie would never want to see him again. The one relationship he loved more than anything and he was sure that he had ruined it within a few days. Sure, he tried to make it up by saying somewhat adorable things, telling her that he loved her - but was that enough? Did Connie truly know how much she meant to him? 

“Are we...okay?” Steven suddenly piped up after a long silence as he drove down one of the many long roads that they had been down that day. 

“Us?” 

“Us. As friends, as a couple - are we okay?”

“Why? Do you think that we’re not okay?” Connie was confused - where was this coming from? 

“Have I changed? Am I the person you knew before I went away? Am I the same person you spoke to on the phone every morning?” Steven threw the questions at her rapidly. 

“Steven, there’s nothing wr-”

“Connie, p-please...I need you to just answer the question.” Steven instructed, becoming increasingly stressed with his thoughts. 

Connie was overwhelmed by Steven’s behaviour. He needed help - desperately. That wasn’t something that she could give him. She was scared for his well being and only wanted the best for him. He had been putting her under incredible pressure with his reassurance seeking. 

“You haven’t changed, you’re still the same Steven. All the words I used to describe you stand as much now as they did years ago.” 

“What about my messed up head? Does that not make you hate me?”

“Your mental health is a part of you, but it doesn’t define you. You know I’ll love you no matter what.” Connie assured him. 

Connie kept saying that, but was it true? Were they the words that she spoke just to make Steven feel better? Was it all an act? 

That was stupid. Steven couldn’t help but hate every thought that entered his mind - every single one was erratic and made him feel terrible about himself and everyone around him. He didn’t want to fight with Connie, he didn’t want to make things worse. 

He wanted her to play with his hair until he fell asleep. Steven loved Connie more than his mind could fathom and yet all his head wanted to do was tear them apart from one another. 

“I’m sorry, Connie. I’m sorry for this whole weekend and I’m sorry I’ve been a bad friend to you. I shouldn’t treat you the way I do. I’m not in control anymore and I need help. I’m not afraid to admit that.” Steven spoke sternly, keeping his eyes locked on the road ahead. 

Everything that Steven said were just repeats of the things he had already been through with Connie. The whole weekend was just the same thoughts and the same apologies over and over, did it help Steven to keep repeating the past? Of course it didn’t, but in the moment it was all his mind could think of to try and solve the issues that he had caused. 

“Steven, it’s okay. These things can’t be solved overnight. Everything isn’t going to be fixed just because you came home for a night or we hung out - it’s not about that. It’s going to take time and you’re going to have to battle through it with bravery and patience. You’re really strong, Steven and I know that you can get through this. I’m going to be here to support you the whole time, but please don’t keep beating yourself up because you haven’t made any progress in a single day. You’re so much better than that. Progress is going to be slow, but as I said before - you have to take it one day at a time else you’re going to drive yourself mad. It’s okay to feel bad about things and it’s okay to get emotional, but it’s understanding why and when that will be important to your ability to cope in the future. The Gems, your dad and I are going to be there for you no matter what comes around the corner, whether that’s fighting magical monsters or giving you hugs when you’re upset about something as little as watching a sad movie. I know you hear me say it all the time, but you’re so special to me Steven - I never want you to be upset. I never want to see you sad. I’ve loved spending the weekend with you and I can’t wait to see you more often now that you’re nearer to my college. Don’t feel pressured though, we don’t even have to keep a schedule if some weeks you just don’t feel like it - I don’t mind. I’ll be willing to wait, no matter what, I just want to see you get better. I want to see you happy and healthy. I want to see you making hilariously bad puns and smiling at the small things in life. I just want you to be you and I’ll stand by you no matter how long it takes for you to feel better. I’ll always be there for you.” Connie spoke softly as Steven tried his hardest not to cry at her words. 

He failed. Tears slipped down either side of his cheeks as he listened to her talk. Why was everyone always so nice to him? Especially Connie! He didn’t deserve her kind words, but he couldn’t help but believe them. 

Connie was right about a lot of things. Steven needed to be patient. 

Hadn’t he already been through this? Connie was always right. 

We had already established this around four chapters ago, Steven. There was no reason for him to not follow through with this important information.

Steven didn’t have the courage to speak, nothing could beat what Connie had said to him. There was nothing on his mind that could ever compare to the kind words that she had said. He just wanted Connie to be back at college now, he had no more words to give her. He was already contemplating what sad playlist to put on in the van on the way home. Steven was ready to spend the three hours driving and crying. 

“You don’t have to respond. Just know that everything I’m telling you is the truth. I love you, Steven.” 

“I love you too.” Steven’s bottom lip quivered under the pressure of the words. 

Connie smiled, knowing that Steven needed the time to process everything that she had said. There was quite a lot that she had spoken about. Connie was getting pretty used to spewing out mental speeches that she had been saving within her mind for the right time. She had no idea if the times in which she said them were the right times - but she was only doing her best. Connie only wanted what was best for Steven. 

Connie hoped that her words had calmed Steven. It was clear that sometimes in order to ground his thoughts he needed to be reminded of reality. A reality in which everyone cared about him no matter what. Sometimes that was hard for Steven to believe and Connie knew that she would have to remind him that he was a good person when he began to spiral. 

Connie had no experience with anyone else that had the same mental health issues as Steven, so the best she could do was be there as a friend and as a girlfriend. Connie would never tell Steven that the other night when Steven had gone out in the car with Doug that she had spent the whole time speaking to her Mom about the situation. Connie was worried about Steven and at least her mom had a brief understanding of his history and the trauma he was experiencing. 

Priyanka was helpful in explaining the things that Steven may have been experiencing to Connie. Especially in a way that was more scientific than it was personal. That way she was able to understand on a broader range what he may have been experiencing, applying that to what she knew about Steven as a person and the things he had faced in the past. 

It was worrying to hear what could have been going through Steven’s mind. Connie couldn’t have even begun to imagine what it must have felt like to have the racing thoughts. Sure, she had a lot of anxiety in the past - but none of it was related to any trauma. Connie was just worried about Steven. 

The night before once Steven had fallen asleep Connie had spent a few hours on her phone flicking through articles about mental health - especially people with PTSD as her mum had previously stated this is what Steven was suffering from, later confirmed by the therapist that Steven had seen. 

It got Connie on a path of looking through lots of things. Articles from people who were in relationships with people with the illness. It was tough to read, to say the least, a lot of it coming from a place in which people cared so much that they ended up hurting themselves. Connie didn’t want to get to a place where that was how she felt. 

She always wanted to care for Steven but she had to make sure that he didn’t control the way that she wanted to live her life too. They shared similar goals, but Connie needed to have a life separate from Steven as well as her life with him. College was a good way for her to take a break from his needs. She didn’t want to be selfish, but that was the only way to protect their relationship. 

Connie was ready to support him however way possible, but she had to be prepared to tell him no. She had to be prepared to ease off if things got too difficult. They were choices that she never wanted to have to make, but if things kept heading south they were things she would have to consider. She loved Steven, but she couldn’t destroy herself in the process. 

Steven was silent for the rest of the journey. It wasn’t long, but the pain between the two of them was clearly having an effect on them both. With Connie being supportive, but somewhat worn down with Steven’s care and Steven’s mental decline they were both exhausted. 

Steven felt terrible. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had done something to offend Connie no matter how much she had tried to assure him he hadn’t. Nothing made sense. Why did he break that mirror? Why did he turn pink? 

He was losing his mind. 

Steven parked the van in the college parking lot, near enough in the exact same position that he had parked the Dondai just a few days ago. Things seemed different than they were back then. It felt as if so much had changed between the two of them in such a short period of time. 

They hadn’t even seen each other in over four months and the weekend was not what either of them expected it to be. Steven wanted to shrivel into a ball of guilt and regret, but the most he could possibly do was cry himself into a deep depression. He wasn’t ready to face the world and he didn’t have to, but no matter how hard he tried to fight his thoughts they just kept coming back to hurt him. 

“Would you like to come back to my dorm for a while? Maybe rest a bit before heading back home?” Connie suggested as she unclipped her seatbelt. 

Steven was sad beyond belief. The numb feeling that had clouded him for the past couple of days finally started to show its true colours. The deep dark black cloud of depression that shadowed over him. It wouldn’t leave him alone. 

Steven didn’t want Connie to go. He didn’t want her to leave the van. 

Steven couldn’t speak, his throat was tight. He stared out into the parking lot.

“Okay, I’ll take that as a no. I’m going to go now, okay?” Connie spun on her seat to face Steven. 

Steven continued to look forward, his mind had a million words to say to Connie - but nothing came out. 

“Thank you for this weekend, it’s been amazing seeing you. You’ll call me when you get home?” Connie questioned as she reached over and kissed Steven lightly on the cheek. 

Steven didn’t move. 

Connie didn’t want to entertain his mood. Leaving him to his own devices was best when he was this way. He needed to think everything through, but he would come around. Steven was just feeling things that he couldn’t comprehend. 

He didn’t want her to leave. He wanted to go into her dorm room - he wanted to stay the night. He wished he had bought the book that she had made him for his birthday in the van with them so that they could sit under the stars and look back through all of their amazing memories together. Wouldn’t that have been nice? 

Steven would have loved that. 

“I love you, Steven. Have a safe journey home.” Connie reached into the back as she spoke to grab her bag before clambering out of the van. 

As she closed the door the sound rattled through Steven. She had left. Connie had left him. 

What about asking her to move in with him? Was that ruined? Had he ruined everything? 

Emptiness. It was back. 

Connie swung her bag over her shoulder as she walked away from the van, she looked back somewhat hoping that Steven would come running after her. He didn’t. He didn’t move at all. 

Steven sighed as he shook his head and covered his face with his hands. He was so awful to Connie and yet she was always so kind. Why would he want to treat her like this when she loved him so much? He loved her so much!

Why did everything have to be so difficult? 

Steven wished he could sweep Connie off her feet and take her someplace nice where people weren’t plagued with awful thoughts. They would live together somewhere lovely and love each other unconditionally. They would be happy. 

He reached into his back pocket. The ring. 

Steven had been carrying it the whole time, through the whole weekend ready for the right moment to give it to her. It was a gift with such a strong meaning he was afraid that now it would push them further apart. 

The ring could help him prove his love for her - or would it just make things so much worse? 

He had to try something. He couldn’t leave Connie, no matter what. 

Connie continued to walk through campus back to her dorm. Everywhere was empty, just as when she left. Most people had gone home for the summer, she was just too dedicated to be spending the time at home. Her studies were far too important and at least this way it was a lot harder for her to get distracted. 

Connie couldn’t let herself get hurt by Steven’s behaviour. It wasn’t his fault and she had to keep reminding herself of that. It wasn’t who he was and it certainly wasn’t what he wanted to be. 

Connie slowed down her pace through campus, wanting to take in the fresh air of the start of the evening. The air certainly wasn’t as nice to breathe in as what it was by the ocean, but it was something, to say the least. 

The sound around her was peaceful until the sound of flip flops padding against the concrete behind her could be heard. 

Connie’s eyes widened as she turned around only to see Steven propelling towards her with open arms at maximum speed. Connie didn’t get a chance to think as Steven wrapped his arms around her, never wanting to let her go. 

Steven sobbed as Connie stood with her hands beside her, unable to move in Steven’s grip. Connie attempted to move her arms to get a better hold of him herself. She had half expected Steven to come back, but not like this. He was a mess of tears and emotion. 

“Oh, Steven…” Connie rested her chin on his hair as Steven sobbed loudly into her chest. It didn’t look as if anyone was around, but if there was they would have been making quite the scene. 

Connie had only ever heard Steven sob quite like it once before and that was just after his first breakdown. At least this time he didn’t turn into a monster...instead he was just an adorable mess of snot and tears. 

The pair stood together in the middle of campus, holding each other tightly. Connie’s heart broke for Steven, the sadness he was feeling must have been unbearable. 

“I-I-I-” Steven tried his hardest to speak, constantly interrupted by gasps as he attempted to catch his breath between his bawling.

Connie attempted to comfort him, stroking the back of his hair and letting a gentle ‘shhhh’ pass between her lips. She let him have his moment, a moment to rid himself of the pent up emotions that hurt him so much. 

They stood there for a few minutes, Connie allowed Steven to calm down slightly. It wasn’t much, Steven had a lot of tears to shed and a few moments wouldn't have been able to solve that. 

Steven felt like a child. He needed someone to cry to after being hurt so badly. He didn’t want to be alone - not right now. 

“We’ll head up to my dorm room - okay? Is that okay?” Connie raised her eyebrows, he couldn’t see her face, but her expression was sad and full of worry. 

Steven couldn’t formulate a sentence, instead, he nodded just enough for Connie to understand his answer. She let go of him gently before holding onto his hand and leading him towards her room. 

Steven should have been embarrassed, he looked ridiculous. Yet he couldn’t even think about any of that knowing how bad he felt inside about everything else. He was in trance and barely even remembered the walk from the middle of the campus back to Connie’s room. His mind was blank. 

Connie had led him all the way there and then all the way up the stairs to her room. She couldn’t feel how much he was hurting, but she could sure try her best to help him in the moment. She wanted to comfort him. 

Connie sat him down on the bed before dropping her bag on the floor and closing the door. Her room was exactly how they had left it on Friday, but Steven didn’t notice any of that. His mind was somewhere else. 

Steven laid down on the bed, facing the wall and holding himself. Connie didn’t know what to do...she had never seen him quite like that before. Should she have called someone? 

Connie decided to lay down on the bed behind him, getting close enough to stroke his hair - she knew that would calm him down. Steven continued to cry uncontrollably, his sobs interrupted by Connie’s hands running through his hair. 

He didn’t feel like an adult, he felt like a child - scared and alone. He held himself tightly, not ever wanting to face the outside world ever again. Everyone was against him. Nobody wanted him. Steven was so afraid…

Yet Connie was there beside him, gently running her hand over his hair to get him to be calm enough to regulate his breathing. 

Why was this happening to him? He was fine and then...he wasn't. So suddenly. He couldn't understand, his emotions were too complex. 

“Steven...I’m here.” Connie whispered, not wanting to frighten him with her voice. 

Connie needed to call Greg. She needed to call the Gems. Steven couldn’t drive home alone, it wouldn’t have been safe. He needed someone to watch him…he shouldn’t be left alone with his thoughts. 

Connie had seen Steven upset before, but never anything quite like this. It was as if he wasn’t really there, his body a vacant shell for his thoughts. The thoughts that made his life a living hell. He wanted them to stop. He wanted everything to just stop. It was too loud!

Steven shut his eyes tightly as he continued to hold himself in a fetal position. Connie still laid behind him doing her best to make sure he was okay. He wasn’t okay...he didn’t know how he felt. 

The fear of being left alone forever. The fear of being alone. The fear of having to deal with things by himself. The fear of Connie leaving him behind. The fear of everyone outgrowing him. The fear that he just wasn’t good enough for anyone. 

Everything was too much for him. He couldn’t make it stop. He had no idea where he was - but it felt so real. 

He saw...everything. 

Right before his eyes...everything. 

Memory after memory. 

Space. Floating in space. 

Suffering. The wails of the Cluster. 

Shouting. The fear everyone faced.

Pain. He couldn’t help everyone.

Shattering. The sound was so…

Pink Diamond. 

Rose Quartz...

Mom!

He couldn’t breathe.

“Steven, I’m here! You’re here with me and you’re safe. You’re safe!” Connie tried her hardest to stay calm as Steven shook violently, his breathing staggered and his face cold from the patches of tears that had dried over the time he had been crying. 

Steven listened carefully to Connie’s voice, attempting to take himself away from the thoughts. He had to try. 

Why was he feeling this way? What had gone so horribly wrong? He was fine for months, years and yet suddenly he was a complete mess with no way to explain why that was. 

It seemed as if going back home had triggered something inside of him. He wasn’t quite sure what, but seeing everyone again after so long must have had some sort of effect on him. Driving away from home really hit the nail in the coffin - he was afraid to leave. 

He was afraid he would be alone again. 

He couldn’t carry the pain anymore. He was scared. Steven didn’t know what to do. 

“Steven...you’re safe.” Connie whispered as she noticed Steven’s shaking calm down ever so slightly. She had started to cry from the sight of Steven’s state of mind...it was incredibly upsetting to see him that way. 

Steven listened carefully to her voice, he needed to hear her speak to him. He needed to know that he was okay. The things within his mind weren’t real. Connie was real and she was there to protect him. Connie was there for him. 

“C-”

“Steven, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I’m here Steven, you’re going to be okay.” Connie hugged Steven from behind.

Steven gently stopped hugging himself to place his hand on top of Connie’s arm. He wanted her to know that he was there too - listening. 

Steven closed his eyes, finally stopping what seemed like a never-ending stream of tears. His breathing was still shaky, but Connie’s warm touch was slowly beginning to calm him. He was slowly falling back into reality. 

He knew he was in Connie’s dorm room, he remembered how comfortable her bed was from a few nights ago. The sheets smelt like Connie. He could hear the ever so faint sound of traffic in the distance through the open window. 

He was safe. 

“Wha-” Steven slowly opened his mouth. He couldn’t remember going to Connie’s room. The last thing he remembered was parking the van in the campus parking lot. 

“It’s okay…” Connie spoke softly. 

Steven couldn’t see Connie, but could feel her touch - he was holding onto her arm for comfort. Steven didn’t want to let go. 

Connie wasn’t quite sure how much time had passed between them arriving at the college and lying down together on the bed. It felt like an eternity watching Steven sob, she couldn’t quite explain what he had experienced. It looked as if it was much more than a panic attack. Steven believed it had felt a lot worse than a panic attack. 

Steven eventually mustered up the courage to turn around to face Connie. They had spent a long time in silence, but Steven had finally composed himself enough to want to speak. He was embarrassed by what had happened, but he had to try and remember that Connie would never judge him for anything. 

Connie looked into Steven’s red eyes, completely encapsulated by the sadness that surrounded them. She was heartbroken to see the pain in his eyes. She gently ran her thumb back and forth against the stubble on his cheek. Steven looked back at Connie and saw where her own tears had fallen. Her lips were pressed in a thin line, looking incredibly concerned for Steven’s wellbeing. 

“I’m a-afraid, Connie.” Steven chewed his bottom lip. 

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

“I’m going c-crazy.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy.”

“This is all my-”

“It’s not your fault, Steven.” Connie continued to stroke her thumb against Steven’s face. 

It wasn’t his fault. Those words...they meant so much to him. He desperately needed to hear those words and he had to remember them. 

It wasn’t his fault!

“It’s not my fault…” Steven sniffed. 

“You’re a good person.” 

“I’m a good person…” Steven repeated, he desperately wanted to believe it. 

Was that something that over time he could learn to believe about himself? It was a possibility. He had to be patient, just like Connie had told him earlier. 

Patience was important. 

“You’re going to be okay.” Connie smiled, although she could still see the upset in Steven’s eyes, he was no longer showing physical signs of stress. He was no longer shaking or breathing heavily. 

Steven attempted to smile back, managing just a slight smirk. It was enough and it felt...good. Connie leant forward and gently planted a kiss on his forehead. Steven closed his eyes, feeling so calm under the spell of her kiss. As she pulled away his smirk slowly turned to a closed smile. 

He loved her so much, he could barely express it with words. 

“I’m going to call your dad, is that okay?” Connie asked as she looked Steven in the eyes. She wanted to be honest with him, there was no way that she would allow Steven to drive back on his own. Connie was afraid that Steven would freak out at the idea. 

Instead, Steven nodded. 

“Okay…” He agreed without any arguments. He didn’t feel comfortable going home on his own - he needed his dad. 

Connie nodded at him in return, kissing him on the forehead once more before getting off the bed and grabbing her phone from her pocket. Steven and Connie kept their eyes connected until Connie turned around to leave the room to make the call. 

Steven turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Once again, the numbness surrounded him. How could he have allowed himself to get like this? 

It wasn’t his fault. 

He sighed heavily, his mind was a swirl of every emotion under the sun. He knew that he was sick and would need a lot of help to get better. He wouldn’t have been doing it alone. 

“He’s okay, just a bit shaken up by the whole experience. I’ve never seen him like that before.” Connie spoke to Greg down the phone with concern. 

“I’m pretty far away right now, but I can be there as soon as possible.” Greg was panicked, desperate to know how his son was coping. 

“I can keep him here tonight, I just don’t want him to go back home alone.” Connie sighed as she paced up and down the corridor, keeping her voice low so Steven couldn’t hear her talking about him. 

“That’s understandable. I can be there first thing tomorrow morning.”

“That’s fine. He’ll be okay.” 

“Thank you Connie, I really appreciate everything that you do for him. Please keep me updated.” Greg had a slightly calmer tone, knowing that Connie was looking out for him was incredibly reassuring. 

“Of course, I just want him to get better. I will - try not to worry.” Connie stared down at the floor, sadness in her tone.

Greg would worry - all night. But Connie had to tell him and had to tell Greg to come and get him in the morning. As much as Connie could look after Steven herself, it wasn’t something that she was capable of doing for a long period of time. She had college and Steven needed professional help that she couldn’t provide him. 

Connie said goodbye to Greg and texted Pearl to let them know that Steven was going to be staying the night. Pearl almost instantly texted back in a panic, but Connie was quick to reassure them in a short phone call. 

Once Connie had finished with the calls she made her way to the community kitchen in her block. Due to it being summer, there weren't very many people staying in the building. Connie managed to make two mugs of hot chocolate in an attempt to make Steven a little more comfortable.

Connie went back inside the room only to see Steven still lying on the bed - staring at the ceiling. She briefly wondered what was going through his mind and hoped that it was something positive, but was doubtful of the fact. 

“I made you something.” Connie smiled as she placed one of the mugs on the bedside table. 

Steven looked up at Connie blankly, not quite seeing what she had in her hand. He sat up on the bed and smiled at the mug on the bedside table. 

“Hot chocolate?” Steven grinned at the mug as he picked it up. 

“I’m afraid to say I didn’t have any marshmallows. I hope you’ll forgive me.” Connie chuckled as she sat close beside Steven. 

Steven took a sip of the hot chocolate and Connie followed with the same action. The hot chocolate was incredibly creamy and just the right temperature, warm, but not enough to burn him. It warmed his insides immediately. 

“I think you’re forgiven.” Steven smirked before holding the mug with both hands and staring at Connie’s dorm room wall. 

Connie was glad that although Steven seemed somewhat complacent, he was a lot more responsive in that moment than he had been all day. 

Steven thought about the day that he had. It started out pretty normal and ended in disaster. He was completely burnt out. 

Steven had embarrassed himself a lot. He had nothing else to lose. 

He had come to the conclusion within his mind that asking Connie about moving in together was a bit too much with the state of his mental health. He should probably have focussed on himself more before popping the question and if that meant a few months of intense therapy then that would be okay too. He just hoped that in the end, they would be together forever. However, despite not being comfortable enough with asking Connie about the living situation, there was still another question he could ask...

He reached into his back pocket. He couldn’t find what he was looking for. Connie watched Steven carefully as he dug through each of his pockets. He remembered having it and then...oh wait...he had put it back in a different pocket. 

Steven pulled out the ring from his front pocket before placing it on the palm of his hand and presenting it to Connie. 

Connie stared down at the ring. What was happening? A million things flooded through her mind. 

“It’s not what you think it is, it was just a gift I was going to give you - I just never found the right time.” Steven sighed as he moved his palm closer to Connie, encouraging her to take the gift. Connie placed her mug on the side before focusing her full attention on the ring. 

Connie carefully picked the ring from his palm and slowly slid it on one of her fingers. She stared down at it and smiled. 

“It’s beautiful.” 

“It was supposed to be a promise ring. I met someone on the road who told me about them after I told my story about...proposing.” Steven chuckled before taking a quick sip from the mug. “He told me that promise rings were what people gave one another if it was too soon for them to consider marriage. It’s a promise that you’ll always love each other.” 

“Oh, Steven…” Connie blushed as she glanced down at the ring. 

“I wanted it to be special when I gave it to you, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do anything special. I’m not in the right place to do anything out of the ordinary and I think today proved that. I’m scared of everything, Connie - but that doesn’t change anything between us. At least, I don’t want it to. I just want you to know that even if I can’t say it sometimes, I love you and I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me more than you could ever imagine.” Steven spoke casually, tracing his finger around the edge of the mug. Steven was so numb that the words just slipped from his mouth, no nerves came from saying any of it. He was so emotionally drained. 

Connie didn’t expect any of this in the slightest. Steven wasn’t in the best frame of mind, but something about the way that he spoke was genuine. The defeat in his voice and the disappointment of not being able to make the gesture slightly more special came through.

Connie was speechless. 

“I also understand if you need to take a break from it all, I know I can be incredibly overwhelming. I’ve seen how upset you get when I’m...like this. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to ever feel the things that I do. If that means you need to be away from me I completely understand.” Steven was terrified that his actions would pull Connie into the abyss he had been falling into. 

For the first time all weekend, he could rationalise his thoughts completely. He saw everything for what it was. His thoughts were not selfish nor were they illogical. They were...Steven. 

Connie had no idea how to react to what he was saying. He had a completely different tone to what he had all weekend, rather than sounding completely panicked he sounded somewhat deflated and exhausted from everything. In a way, he probably was. 

“Steven...I…” 

“It’s okay, I-I just thought it was important for you to know that I’ll always love you no matter what you choose. I’ll w-” Steven began to speak, suddenly interrupted by Connie’s hand gently pushing on his jaw with her finger so that he could face her. 

Connie was blushing, completely taken back by all of his sweet words. Steven’s mouth was slightly ajar as he stared at Connie, he loved everything about her. He looked into her eyes, completely perplexed by the situation he had found himself in. 

There was a moment of silence shared between them both, gazing into each other's eye before Connie leant forward and pressed her lips against Steven’s. 

Steven’s eyes widened, slightly shocked with the response he nearly spilt the hot chocolate over his lap. Luckily, he managed to steady it before it landed on Connie’s clean carpet. 

He closed his eyes, allowing himself to be taken away by the kiss. His entire body was frozen with shock, they had kissed plenty of time before - but something about this was different. Her lips were soft and all Steven could taste the sweet hot chocolate that they had both been drinking. 

Time had stopped. Everything was perfect right at that moment. If only Steven could have stayed there forever…

Connie gently released her lips, they placed their foreheads together neither of them wanting to distance themselves. Steven kept his eyes closed, a small smile creeping up his face. He was still awkwardly attempting to keep the hot chocolate from spilling on the floor.

“I promise.” Connie whispered, Steven felt her breath on his lips. Steven’s insides fluttered, she had promised to love him forever - accepting the ring that he had been carrying for months. 

“Jambuds?” 

“Jambuds.” Connie confirmed before Steven connected his lips with hers once more. 

Although Steven had been experiencing emotions beyond his control, there was always someone that he could rely on - Connie. 

“Ah! The hot chocolate!” Steven unlocked his lips from Connie and gasped as the warm liquid fell out of the mug onto his leg and then onto the carpet. It wouldn’t have happened if she had let him put the drink down before they started making out. 

“Steven! The carpet!” 

“Do you have any paper towels? We need to blot it so it doesn’t stain!" 

“I’ll grab a towel.” Connie sighed. 

Steven looked at the hot chocolate that was trickling down his hands, onto his jeans and then onto the carpet. There was something so poetic about it - the simplicity. Or perhaps the day that Steven had was so emotionally damaging that anything that wasn’t a traumatic memory seemed peaceful, even hot chocolate. 

He was sure there was a metaphor somewhere. 

He just hoped it was a metaphor for something good...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Steven, you're a riot! Getting all romance-y with a girl only to spill hot liquid over yourself. That sounds pretty on-brand. Sorry, Steven. 
> 
> Next chapter will be soon and it'll be the last...


	10. The Ending Formerly Know As 'The Future'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starting with a flashback to one of Steven's worst days on the road leading into the present day...this is the finale to Emotional Self-Control. 
> 
> WARNING: MAY CONTAIN STEVEN SIGNING UP TO A SUPERMARKET LOYALTY CARD FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON. DON'T JUDGE ME. I HAD A WRITING BLOCK AND JUST LEFT IT IN BECAUSE WHATEVER. 
> 
> Lmao. 
> 
> Enjoy.

A few months ago...

Steven walked through the town with his hands in his pockets and his head down. As much as he wanted to explore the town in all its beauty he simply wasn’t in the mood. What would have been the point in exploring a town that he had no interest in? He was only there for necessity. 

He needed to go inside of the town to grab some groceries as he was getting pretty sick of gas stations. He had discovered how grossly overpriced they were due to their convenience, something that Steven never really thought about before and yet suddenly it was all he could think about. 

He had parked the car just outside of town, forcing himself to walk around. He wanted to enjoy himself, rather than spend half his time inside of his car. 

Steven had spent the past couple of days cooped up inside the back of his car fighting an endless battle with his own mind. He was on his travels to explore life and all he had done for the past week was mope around in the back of his car watching sad films and eating chips. He didn’t want to move - he didn’t want to do anything. 

Although upon finding out he was running out of the essentials, he needed to go into town to restock. He really didn’t want to have to, but he had no choice. He was out of both chips and toothpaste amongst a few other things. 

Steven had been lying to himself for the past week. Forcing himself to believe that he would get out and explore as he had planned on doing. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t been spending his time wisely, this had been the first time this had happened to him in well over a year of travel. 

It wasn’t that Steven didn’t want to continue with his adventures it was that...he couldn’t. 

It was only last week he was in another state being scowled at for being terrible at the job he had gotten. It wasn’t his fault he struggled with things that came so easily to others. The job at the diner was a good escape and he enjoyed it, despite his poor interactions with the people he worked with. 

Being on the road allowed him to see that it wasn’t just Gems that needed to change their opinion of the earth and unlike Gems, humans were a lot more stubborn at changing their opinion. Especially when it came to other humans. 

Did Steven struggle at the diner? Yes. Why? It was nothing to do with how he worked, in fact - he was fantastic. He was incredibly charismatic with the customers and did a great job at cleaning up and serving. The thing that he struggled with the most was the people that he worked with...specifically his manager who had hired him on a whim. 

Steven had to come to the realisation that not every human was a good human. Some people were just scumbags and he had to live with that fact. It was hard to get his head around, but after realising there was nothing he could do to change the opinions of others within the diner he left out of frustration. 

He would have always been known as the weirdo who told unrealistic stories to satisfy his own ego. Steven was a liar. He was a homeless loner who lived in his car, too crazy to hold down his own home. The staff there were relentless and Steven had never felt so alone. 

Sure, there were a few good people he worked with who stuck up for him when times were tough - but it was never enough. Steven knew he wasn’t any of the things that they told him - or was he? Why did he let them say those things? Maybe they were true? 

He was looking forward to settling down in a single state for a while which is why he wanted a temporary job. It turned out that it wasn’t quite for him after two weeks of being bullied at the diner. He really wanted to enjoy it...but there was nothing there that made him want to stay. 

Steven wouldn’t stand for the abuse anymore, finally ripping his name tag off his shirt and throwing it on the floor before walking out with his fists closed tightly. He was just thankful he managed to control himself enough not to glow pink until he got back to his car otherwise he would have been more of a laughing stock than ever before. 

Steven didn’t want to think about any of what he had been through after the last month of his life had come crashing down. A slow realisation that maybe life wasn’t exactly as easy as he had first thought, perhaps being human wasn’t all it was cracked up to be? 

Steven had helped a lot of causes on the road, including homeless shelters and shelters for animals. It upset him knowing how much cruelty there was in the world outside of the bubble he had been living in. 

He had established peace across the universe. His universe. That didn’t mean bad things weren’t going on around the earth that he had no idea about. 

The earth was a wonderful place, but it had a dark side. A side that Steven had never considered before. Being human certainly had its downfalls and Steven was suddenly starting to see the reality of the situation. Nothing was perfect. Nothing was quite as beautiful as he had first thought. 

Steven had started to believe everything that had been said about him was true. Why would they say those things about him if they weren’t true? Was he all alone for a reason? Steven was starting to doubt his travels - he hadn’t even seen everyone back at home for a few months. Did they even want to see him anymore? 

Steven had been lying to Connie on the phone - every single day. He couldn’t bear to tell her how bad his experience at the diner was. As much as he wanted to vent about everything to her, she had college work to content with. There was no need for Connie to worry about him, he was on the road and he was supposed to be having the time of his life. 

Steven glanced around the town, the streets were busy with people - each and every one of them living their own life with their own problems. It seemed bizarre to Steven how everyone was so unaware of each other and yet they all lived in such close proximity. Everyone just continued to pass one another without a second thought - nobody cared. 

Steven turned around to see the front of a store, yet the only thing he saw was his reflection staring back at him with tired eyes. He had never seen himself look quite that way before, it was as if he was looking at a ghost. Suddenly, Steven stumbled as a passerby knocked into him in a hurry.

“Hey, watch it!” A stranger shouted back at Steven as they picked up their pace. 

Steven stood up straight and furrowed his eyebrows in the direction of the clumsy civilian. Steven wasn’t doing anything wrong, the stranger had bumped into him! People had slowly started to frustrate Steven - there was no need to be rude. 

He sighed as he stared back at the shop front to get a better look of himself, he brushed his hand over his unkempt hair before continuing on his walk down the street. 

Eventually Steven found himself at the store he had been searching for, a generic supermarket that was plagued by capitalism and juicy savings. All he wanted to do was get the items that he came in for and then immediately leave so that he could go back to his car to sulk for the rest of the evening. He didn’t want to be around anyone, frankly, he also didn’t want to be around himself, but that was just something that he had to put up with. 

He hated himself. 

It was so difficult for him to think about the ideology that he disliked who he was. Had he not been working with his therapist this whole time to avoid all of this? It wasn’t helping that he was also avoiding telling the truth to his therapist, the one person who could help him in a way that nobody else could. 

Steven had left home to solve his problems and to begin with it was working. Now? Everything felt so much worse than it did when he had left. 

He was alone with his thoughts. 

“Do you have a loyalty card?” The cashier questioned as she scanned all of Steven’s items at the checkout. 

“A loyalty card?” 

“If you sign up today you’ll get ten percent off your next shop.” The cashier grinned as they spoke, clearly attempting to sell Steven’s soul to a mailing list. 

Steven loved the idea of a loyalty card, it usually meant that you would get free things for being a good customer. Steven considered himself a good customer to most of the places that he visited, it would have been a crime not to sign himself up to help the store. He enjoyed the idea of helping out the cashier on their crusade for signing customers up to the card. 

“I’ll sign up.”

“Great Sir, that’s fantastic! Can I grab a name?” 

“Steven Universe.” 

“Woah, what a wonderful name. Steven with a ‘ph’?” The cashier beamed before asking the question. Steven couldn’t quite tell whether or not she was being sarcastic or not, she had probably heard all kinds of fake names. 

“Nope, just the classic ‘V-E-N’.” Steven placed his hands in his pockets once again as he shrugged. 

“Your zip code?” 

Steven mumbled his zip code.

“Excellent. Can I grab the first line of your address?” 

“The Beach?” Steven squinted, he was still unsure whether or not he was saying the correct thing. 

The cashier began pressing a few buttons on her screen before her eyes widened. 

“Hold on, you’re from Beach City? The same Beach City with all the conspiracy theories? The aliens?” The cashier gasped. 

Steven’s face dropped at her comment. He was in a state on the other side of the country from Beach City. Why would anyone know where it was? He had gone travelling to get away from everything, not to bring it to him. 

“Conspiracy theories?” Steven cocked an eyebrow. Jeez, he immediately knew this had something to do with Ronaldo. 

“Yeah! Keep Beach City Weird! Y’know, the blog? I can’t believe you’re from there and have no idea. There have been sightings of snake people there. How crazy is that? Have you seen any?” The cashier gleamed.

Steven couldn’t deal with this right now. 

“No...no snake people. Just good doughnuts, pizza and fries.” Steven grinned nervously. 

“Aw, that sucks. I was kind of hoping there would be snake people. Oh well, just because you can’t see them - doesn’t mean that they’re not there!” The cashier giggled as she continued to tap her finger against the screen. 

“Yeah...sure.” 

“Here’s your loyalty card! I hope you have a good day!” The cashier passed over a shiny looking card and Steven took it from her. He glanced down at the card, it was incredibly generic, but he would love the addition to his wallet. 

Steven placed the card in his pocket and grabbed the bags that were on the counter. 

“Thank you. I hope you have a good day too.” Steven smiled before turning away with a frown. 

He wasn’t going to have a good day. He already knew it had been plagued by bad thoughts. There was no way to make any of it better, his mood was incredibly low. 

Steven carried the bags out of the shop and began to walk back to his car on the outskirts of town. He needed the walk due to staying inside of his car for the past few days. He was an adult and could do whatever he wanted, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel bad about it. 

Every day was a small slice of hell. Steven just wanted to crawl into a ball and stay there until the end of time. 

The weather didn’t help, the grey clouds loomed over - ready to let loose at any moment. Steven just wanted to get back to his car as soon as possible so that he could finally have been free from the rest of the world. He needed to be in his own space and yet he also wanted to be as far away from himself as possible. He just couldn’t win. 

Nobody seemed to bother him on his way back, everyone kept their distance. Steven was happy that he didn’t have to talk to anyone else other than the cashier, that already seemed like too much. He didn’t want to speak to anyone other than the Gems, his dad and Connie. Even then, he struggled to hold an honest conversation with them. 

Steven returned to his car, staring at the back of the Dondai in shock. He dropped the shopping bags at his feet and ran over to the car that had now become a crime scene. One of the back windows was smashed, glass covering the floor and the inside of the car. 

“Oh no...no...please no!” Steven ran over to the car to inspect it closer, pulling open the door that had been broken open. 

Inside all of his things had been thrown just about everywhere, he had been pretty careful to make sure that if he left his car to cover everything that was of value. He was trusting of people, but his dad had told him to be careful. Steven was careful - but today was just not his day. 

Steven pushed his things out of the way to see if anything had been taken. He glanced up at the dash and saw a hole where the car radio once sat. Steven threw the blankets he used to the back of the car, his bags of clothes had been emptied and everything was just about everywhere - even on the floor outside of the car. 

Steven’s laptop was missing. His guitar was gone.

He didn’t have much room inside the back of the car, so he didn’t have many possessions. It seemed the most valuable items had been taken from him...

Steven was lost for words as he stood up, no longer leaning into the car for inspection. He stood by the back door and stared at the hole where the glass window once sat. Steven gently put his hand through the window - he would have to get it fixed. He would have to replace his car radio and guitar. How much was that going to cost? 

His dad gave him money every month for his travels and he had some savings from what he had earned during his short time at the diner...but was that going to be enough to cover everything? He didn’t want anyone to find out what had happened. He couldn’t spend a large amount of his dad’s money in such a short period of time - what would his dad say? They would try and get him to come back home. 

He couldn’t let anyone find out. Everyone would think he was irresponsible and couldn’t be trusted alone. 

Steven clenched his fists as he continued to look into the car, the insides a complete mess of clothes and broken glass. Where was he supposed to sleep? He couldn’t stay in a hotel, he wouldn’t have enough money for a hotel and the repairs - not if he didn’t want anyone to find out about it!

Steven couldn’t quite believe what had happened. The whole time he had been travelling, his car had never been broken into. Why would someone bother? It was broad daylight, sure his car was in the middle of nowhere - but that was no excuse to break in! 

The heavens opened up, rain began to pour down on Steven. Steven furrowed his eyebrows, too upset to think about the hole in the side of his car or the shopping bags he had left down the road. 

Tears began to drip down his face, matching the rain trickling down his cheek. Steven had become overwhelmed with emotion, there was no way that this day could have gotten any worse. Why did the universe hate Steven so much? What did he do wrong to deserve this? 

He didn’t deserve this. 

He deserved this. 

Steven got to work cleaning the inside of the car the best he could, attempting to clear up all the glass and packing away all his clothes. He wasn’t exactly the best at cleaning and was pretty worried he would have forgotten a piece of glass which could have been pretty disastrous the next time he went to bed. 

The rain continued to fall the whole time, the hole where the window once stood was now an entrance for all of the rain. The back seats of his car, or at least where he would sleep was soaking wet. 

Steven emptied one of the shopping bags and sloppily attached it to the window to try and stop the rain from pouring in. Sure, it helped with the directional rain, but it didn’t stop rain from dripping down the inside of his door onto the seat. 

After Steven had cleaned everything, he sat in the driver’s seat and placed his head on the steering wheel. He was cold, soaking wet and completely out of his depth. He glanced down at the loose wires coming from the middle of his dash where his car radio once was. Not only was he having a bad day, but it also meant when he next drove anywhere he wouldn’t have been able to have any music on his travels. 

Steven listened to the rain hammer down on the roof and the wind rapidly attacking the plastic bag attached to the window. The rustling of the bag mixed with the rain on the roof was a far from a peaceful sound. 

Steven was incredibly unhappy. Nothing would ever go right for him. He was useless and his travels just proved that more so than usual. Nobody wanted to be around Steven and he certainly didn’t want to be around himself either. 

The past couple of weeks could have been considered some of the worst weeks of his life. He had never felt so exhausted from his own emotions. He wanted nothing more than for everything to just stop. 

Steven’s phone buzzed, he reached into his pocket to take a look at the message he had been sent. It was from Connie.

‘I can’t call tonight, I’ve been invited out to a new pizza place with a few of the people in my class. I’ll let you know my opinions on the pizza tomorrow morning. I love you xxx.’ 

Steven stared at the message, his heart ached at the words. Out of all the days that Connie couldn’t call, why did it have to be the day he felt his worse? 

Sure, he had managed to lie to her for the past few weeks and it made him feel terrible. Steven was a terrible person and he knew he should never lie to Connie, but admittedly - he was getting pretty good at it. 

‘I hope you have a great time! I love you too xxx.’ 

Steven sloppily texted back. He envied Connie’s ability to socialise and make friends, sure, it was something that Steven once thought he was incredibly skilled in. However, as the years went by it became increasingly difficult to interact with people - especially humans. 

Steven sighed heavily as he sat in the driver's seat, staring ahead at the rain. The car was pretty cold with the window broken, Steven shivered in the seat. 

There wasn't anything he wanted more than to be with the people he loved and yet...he knew they wouldn't want him. He knew they wouldn't want to be around him. Steven was such a sad sack and he certainly didn't deserve to be happy with the people he loved. They probably didn't even love him back. 

He felt worthless. 

Steven crawled into the back of the car and began to place the pieces of cloth he used as makeshift curtains over his windows. He laid down in the back in a fetal position, hugging his legs for warmth. The back of the car was still wet.

He grabbed one of his blankets and draped it over himself. The bottom of the blanket was also wet from where it had sat by the open window. Steven clenched his teeth together so he could avoid chattering from the cold. 

He should have just driven to a motel. Maybe he deserved to be cold? Maybe he deserved to live through this? He deserved to be in this position. 

He couldn't get a motel if he didn't want everyone to find out about it. The only thing running through Steven's mind was making sure he could replace what had been taken so nobody felt the need to worry about him. He didn't care about his own safety nor his health. It was all about staying under the radar of his family. 

Tears began to drip down Steven's face as he shivered. He wanted to go home. He couldn't. 

He couldn't go home. What would they think of him? What would they say? Steven was a horrible person and everyone had sacrificed so much for him to be travelling and yet here he was wallowing in his own sadness. His own mistakes. 

Nobody could know what he was really going through. That would have made his whole trip pointless. They would never let him outside ever again. 

Steven didn't feel like eating. Steven didn't feel like changing his clothes or even brushing his teeth. He just wanted the day to end. 

He felt defenceless, like a child calling out for their mother. He was scared, cold and all alone. The lowest he had ever felt on his journey.

There was no coming back from any of this.

He would never find happiness ever again.

Steven was...alone. 

\----------------

"Steven? Are you ready? They'll be here any minute." A voice called from the opposite side of the door. Steven blinked at himself in the mirror, adjusting the collar of his shirt. 

Steven stared into the mirror and smiled, he was more than ready for the day ahead. He had been looking forward to it for a long time. The practice of focusing on the future and not the past had been his most recent learning curve. 

There had been plenty of low moments within Steven's life, but now he spent a lot of his time focusing on the highs. Steven was getting better and better at being kinder to himself. Something he had always taught others, but never had the ability to practice himself. 

Steven had spent most of his adult life looking back at the childhood that made him who he was. Sure, not all of the things in his childhood were good. For the most part, they were pretty bad. Steven had endured a lot and it was time for someone to finally give him a break from it all. 

Just like anyone else, there were good days and there were bad days, but the defining difference was that Steven Universe had finally got the skills he needed to control and understand the emotions that he felt. 

It had by no means been an easy experience and had taken months of hard work from himself and the support system around him.

Steven opened up the bathroom door and stepped into the bedroom, showing off the brand new shirt that Connie's parents had given Steven recently. He wanted a special occasion to use it and it turned out today was just the day. 

"How does it look?" Steven smiled, using his thumbs to point at the blue short-sleeved shirt. It was reminiscent of the pink shirt that Connie had got him for his fourteenth birthday. 

Connie stood on the other side of the room and gleamed at Steven who was happy to get an opportunity to dress up. They had both come so far over the past year - Steven especially. Connie was incredibly proud of the effort Steven had put in. 

"Amazing!" Connie stepped over to Steven, reaching up to his face and using her thumb to wipe away the stray spot of shaving cream that he must have missed when shaving. 

Steven leaned in for a quick kiss before looking at Connie's outfit. It was summer and she too had opted for a short-sleeved shirt she had tucked into a pair of jean shorts. 

"You too!" Steven gently placed his hands on Connie's hips as she began to play around with his collar. 

"Are you going to let your dad handle the BBQ today?" Connie smirked. 

"Connie, I'm the Grill Master. I even have the apron to prove it." Steven huffed as he referred to the novelty apron that he had recently ordered from the depths of the internet. 

"It's your birthday, Steven. You don't have to do everything!" Connie reassured as she held onto his shoulders and smiled. 

"Okay, but at least let me oversee the cooking. I have no idea how he does it, but Dad always burns the corn!" Steven groaned. 

"Alright, fine."

It had nearly been a whole year since the day that he had taken Connie back to college. He had one of the worst days of his life, mixed in with a positive conclusion as Connie agreed that she would accept his gift of a promise ring. A ring to tell everyone that they were in love. Sweet, wasn’t it?

He had slept well beside Connie that night, enduring a day of mixed emotions that sent him on a spiral down a quick succession of flashing memories. It hurt. It was a horrible experience and Steven never wanted to feel that way ever again. He wanted to be better. 

The morning after he had woken up beside Connie, a comfort in itself. He felt embarrassed when his dad came to pick him up from Connie’s college but eventually realised that it was probably for the best. 

Greg drove them both back home, leaving Steven’s van in the college parking lot for it to gather an abundance of parking tickets in their absence. It didn’t matter at the time, they were going to go and pick the van up at some point - but Steven was their main priority. 

Steven was incredibly ill and it took him a while to accept that fact. Even Pearl had gone back to watching him sleep, fears that he could have experienced nightmares or even snuck out of the house to go somewhere else. Steven didn’t mind, he enjoyed the company and was glad that everyone cared about him. 

Everyone was scared for his well being. Steven had pretty scary thoughts and none of them could quite comprehend how scary they could be. Steven didn’t want to feel this way - not one bit. 

He decided to go to one of the many therapists that Connie’s mother had recommended. It was there he met a very nice therapist who wanted to work towards Steven achieving mental stability. 

Steven was in a position where he felt comfortable to start activities like meditation once again after giving up during his downfall last time. His therapist was nice enough to recommend some teachers for the subject and he managed to get a good tutor. He managed to learn a lot about himself and the art of meditation. Overall, it relaxed him and gave him good techniques to learn to centre himself. 

His therapist outlined a plan for Steven. He wasn’t too keen on the plan at first but eventually grew to like it. It was a plan regarding Steven’s steps to recovery and what he wanted to achieve. It was an open-ended goal and tasks could either take a couple of days or a couple of years. Steven was learning patience. 

His therapist had diagnosed him with several mental health disorders. Steven found it hard to name them all, but he never really felt as if he ever had to. He knew that they didn’t define him and he didn’t need a label to tell him who he really was. He knew who he was. 

Steven had seen a doctor after being referred by his therapist and was put on prescription medication to help balance the chemicals within his mind. Steven was sure that they didn’t work at first, but as time went by paired with the therapy he found everything a lot easier. No longer was his mind flooded with thoughts, instead, a steady stream where he could pick and choose which thoughts he wanted to keep or abandon. 

It had made him a lot happier in the long run. 

Steven stayed at home with the Gems and spent a lot of time helping out around Little Homeschool. It was different - but he knew what he was doing and enjoyed the company. He liked to sit through the Gems’ lessons and learn about what they were teaching everyone, he learnt a lot about everything from gardening to making art. It was incredibly therapeutic for him to sit in the back of the class and listen rather than feeling as if he had to be the one to teach everyone. 

It wasn’t Steven’s job to fix anyone but himself. He was determined to help himself through recovery as much as possible. 

Steven still woke up early every single morning to call Connie and made sure that she was okay in college. Steven loved to tell her about all of the things he had been up to and vice versa. He managed to go and visit her every other weekend, which didn’t seem like very much, but they always made it count. 

As much as Steven liked it back in Beach City he knew that he still wanted to move on at some point and his original plan of asking Connie to move in with him still stood. 

He did ask her and well...it was a no - at first. 

It was a tough conversation for them both, but when Steven popped the question about moving out together not so long after his breakdown she was concerned. Connie didn’t want to do something like that when Steven was still so fragile, once again letting him down softly with a ‘not now’. However, that didn’t mean that it wouldn’t ever happen. In fact, Connie wanted it to happen.

Connie agreed that after Steven had worked on his mental health for six months and he felt he was in a better place then she would love to move out with him. Connie wanted him to be better and jumping into things without thinking about them would have been damaging to him. 

This gave Steven a goal to work towards. He wanted to be better for Connie, for everyone - for himself. It was incredibly hard to work towards the target that had been set, but with a new set of skills, medication and regular appointments he was looking forward to the future for once. 

Those six months felt as if they never ended. It was February by the time that the six months was up and Steven was a completely different person. He was...happier. 

Steven and Connie had spent months fantasizing about the house they would want together. Every morning sending each other new plans as to what they would want and even sending links to websites where you could buy different types of furniture. They wanted to be prepared and both of them were incredibly young and excited. 

They wanted to find something within a twenty-minute drive away from Connie’s college - with good public transport to and from just in case Steven wasn’t around to pick her up or drop her off one day. They wanted a driveway for Steven’s car and van. They had a desire for two bedrooms, just in case, they either got a little sick of one another. They wanted a large yard so that Lion could have his own little ‘lion house’ to stay. They also wanted a daybed to go in the garden...of course. 

It was hard for either of them to decide exactly what they wanted out of their first house, but they weren’t quite sure on how long they wanted to stay there. After Connie finished college they weren’t sure where life would take them, they just wanted a home that could tide them over until Connie graduated. If they did decide they wanted to stay in the area after that then they could and if not then that would have been okay too. 

Steven was somewhat scared about moving out, but also incredibly excited. A part of him was worried that the stressful change would affect his mental health and set him back after all of the improvements he had made. 

But it was different this time. This time he felt as if he could cope and he certainly wasn’t going to be going into it alone. 

Steven and Connie spent the weekends together in the area looking around houses. When Greg wasn’t busy he came with them, after all, he was going to be the one purchasing the property. 

Steven had been focusing more on the aesthetics of the house whereas Connie was more concerned with the economical standing of the property. She wanted to make sure that Steven was making the best investment with the money that Greg was lending him. Steven had vowed to pay his dad back, despite Greg urging him not to. Steven wouldn’t have taken no for an answer. 

After weeks searching for the right property they came across one house that looked to be perfect. It was a ten-minute drive from Connie’s college and a thirty-minute walk with a bus stop just down the road. The house sat in the middle of a friendly-looking neighbourhood with low crime rates and a nice school nearby. The house had one floor, a porch, two bedrooms, a large kitchen, a garage and a large front and backyard. 

From what they had previously described, the house was perfect. 

When having a look around the house both of them imagined what kind of house they would want it to be. Where they would want certain pieces of furniture and what each room would have been used as. Both Connie and Steven had very similar ideas of what they wanted from the property. 

They debated the idea for a while before going back the weekend after with Greg to finalise the purchase. 

Once again they waited for payments to go through and forms to be signed before they were finally handed the keys to their new home. 

Steven had spent a lot of his time back at home tidying up his possessions and gathering whatever he needed to take with him. Steven didn’t exactly have a lot of items, so Greg managed to fill his van with all his items with ease. Steven used his own van to collect Connie’s items from her dorm room. 

Connie was upset that she wouldn’t have been living on campus anymore, but she was beyond excited to be living with Steven. This way they all got what they wanted. Steven was finally able to move out and Connie was still close enough to her college to walk to class. They also both got to spend more time with the person they loved and that certainly wasn’t a bad thing. 

It took them all weekend to furnish the house, with help from their families. The Gems, Greg, Doug and Priyanka all came to lend a hand to the couple. With Doug and Greg spending the weekend getting confused by flat-pack furniture instructions and Pearl and Peridot fighting each other over all of the electronic devices that they needed to set up. 

Everyone got involved in helping the couple move into the house that they could call their own. They all pitched in to make sure that they had all of the furniture that they needed. 

Steven and Connie were exhausted after spending the whole weekend getting sorted. Their house was finally starting to look like a home and both of them were incredibly impressed with their decision to move out. The house that they had chosen together was perfect. 

The first night in the house together was...strange. Steven struggled to sleep, realising that he was trying to sleep in his own house. It seemed pretty bizarre to him - despite being incredibly happy. Getting used to the change would have taken a bit of time, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t happy about it. He couldn’t wait to spend as much time as possible with Connie. 

Now that they lived together they would have been able to see each other all of the time. Steven was pretty excited to hear all about college near enough every single day after Connie returned. 

He had already vowed not to disturb her when she was studying. Steven had promised they would each have their own space and alone time whenever they needed it. Sure, they loved being together - but spending some time alone was important too. 

As the weeks passed by, both Connie and Steven got increasingly comfortable in their new home. They began to set their own routines, which mostly included Steven working around Connie’s college schedule. 

They usually started the day by crawling sluggishly out of bed - Steven more so than Connie. Whilst she took a shower Steven would do some of his meditation and make breakfast. He made sure to take his medications and the vitamins that he had been recommended. He always turned on the radio as he made breakfast, Connie coming through to the kitchen after her shower only to find Steven in the kitchen with all sorts of breakfast treats. Depending on the day it could range from bowls of fruit, eggs or even pancakes. 

Connie was always incredibly grateful for the brilliant start to her day. Steven would often use the morning to judge how he believed his day would go. Usually his mornings would be pretty good. 

After breakfast Connie would either walk or ask for a lift from Steven to college. Steven usually hoped that she would ask for a lift as it meant they got to talk for a while or sing one or two songs from the radio.

If Steven did happen to drop Connie off in the morning he’d usually spend the rest of the day doing little tasks to fill his time. It could have been running errands, decorating the house, gardening or even spending the afternoon baking. He had even joined a few daytime courses to sharpen his cookery skills. 

Steven had become quite the cook. With his own kitchen at his fingertips, he taught himself to bake the finest of cakes and Connie always came home to a homemade meal that Steven had spent a long time on. Steven loved food and he seemed to love making it more, the best thing being was - he was great at it! 

Steven eventually wanted to venture out into the culinary world - when he was ready of course. He had gotten quite good at his hobby and it would have eventually made a great career. Steven had looked at careers in the sector for a while, but taking the next step would have been hard. 

Connie still spent a lot of her time studying and Steven was pretty good at allowing her that time to herself. They had made the second bedroom into an office, that way Connie had somewhere to study in peace. Steven would occasionally enter the office to give Connie kisses on the forehead to make sure she didn’t get a headache from all the work she was doing. Kisses and coffee - Connie appreciated both. 

When Connie wasn’t studying they spent a lot of time together. It was a lot easier to spend time with each other now that they lived together and they both got to live the dream of waking up next to the person they loved. Steven didn’t think he could sleep without Connie ever again, he had gotten so used to it. A comfort he never wanted to let go of. 

They had a wide selection of board games and video games they would play together. They enjoyed going for walks around the block and occasionally went out for meals together. They mostly got themselves sucked into television and had a bad habit of binge-watching shows together. It took Steven a lot of guts not to continue watching the shows whilst Connie was at college, but he managed to resist the urge. 

The Gems would always call Steven to check-in and Steven was always happy to answer their calls. They usually spoke to one another whilst Steven was cooking. Steven regularly spoke to his dad whilst he continued his tour, picking up traction to potentially manage a couple of other bands in the future. 

Steven and Connie would use Lion to visit both Connie’s parents and the Gems back in Beach City. It was incredibly easy for them to travel and when they did want a bit of a drive - they took the van. 

The summer came around again rather quickly and Steven and Connie’s house was finally exactly what they wanted it to be. They had decorated just about everything and the house was finally theirs. 

It was home. 

Last year Steven had been in a really bad place on his birthday, but this year he felt good. Every morning he was able to get up without feeling horrible. The feeling that things were going to be better and there was always a brighter future ahead. 

Connie had organised a small BBQ for Steven's birthday. With their big backyard, they wanted an excuse to use it other than for evening BBQs together and a home for Lion's incredibly large 'lion house'. 

She had only invited the Gems and Greg, despite Steven's amazing recovery she didn't want to overwhelm him. Connie originally wasn't going to plan anything big for Steven's birthday, simply not wanting to hurt Steven. After everything that had happened a year ago, she was prepared to tread carefully around the dates. 

Despite this, Steven wanted everyone to get together for his birthday once again. Although last year hadn’t exactly turned out as planned, he wanted to make up for it by enjoying himself this year instead. This year he wouldn’t have been trying so hard to be happy. This year he was happy. There was no need to pretend. 

There was no need to be worried. 

He was excited to see everyone once again. Although he visited the Gems often and now that his dad was starting to tour with a few different bands it was a little bit easier for him to come back and see Steven whenever he wanted. It was still a trek, but it was always worth it. 

Steven had his own space now, one that he felt comfortable in. It wasn’t a car. It was a house. A house that he could share with the person he loved. He couldn’t have asked for anything more, he already had everything he wanted. 

He deserved this. He deserved to be happy. 

Steven spent the day hosting an incredibly laid back get together with everyone. It was nice to catch up with the Gems and his dad. The Gems were so proud of Steven and everything he had achieved over the past year. 

He truly had worked his hardest on his mind and body to become the person he was today. There was so much that Steven had learnt - especially about himself and how to handle the emotions that once haunted him. It was hard, but Steven could handle it now. He understood himself better than ever before. 

Of course, Steven had flexed his culinary skills by grilling one of the best BBQs that any of them had ever tasted. He didn't let Greg touch his BBQ. Even Pearl dared to take a small nibble of corn - enjoying the sensation for just a moment before being incredibly disgusted by the concept of food as a whole. It didn’t take long, but she enjoyed the sentiment. If she did enjoy food, she knew that Steven’s cooking would have been her favourite. 

The Gems had even bought the birthday crown and robe to Steven’s house - just in case he wanted to keep up with traditions. Pearl was worried that bringing it would trigger some memories within Steven, claiming it would have been a bad idea. Garnet, on the other hand, encouraged the idea of bringing it with them. Garnet was right. It was a good idea to bring them. 

As soon as Steven saw them he made sure to wear the crown with pride all day. He wore the robe for most of the day other than when he was cooking, replacing it for the novelty apron. 

“Thank you all for coming!” Steven grinned as everyone sat around the firepit that they had on their patio. Of course, Steven and Connie had kept to their promise of making sure that they got some of the best garden furniture money could buy. 

“Dude, it’s your birthday - of course we’d come!” Amethyst claimed as she bounced in the chair she was sitting in opposite Steven before shovelling another hot dog in her mouth. 

“Yeah, well - it means a lot. It’s really nice to have everyone here...together.” Steven blushed, gently running his finger around the top of the soda can he was holding. 

Everyone smiled, they were all so proud of the boy who had become a man in such a short span of time. With everything that he had been through, they believed he deserved every bit of happiness that was coming his way. 

“When was the last time we were all together like this? When you and Connie were moving in?” Pearl questioned, attempting to recall her memories. 

“That was six months ago.” Connie snorted. 

“Okay, that one's on me. I’m a pretty busy musical businessman these days.” Greg chuckled as he folded over his arms. 

Sure, they had all seen Steven multiple times throughout the six months. However, this was the first time that they had been together as a family since they had piled boxes into the new home many months ago. 

“This is on all of us. We all need to make an effort to get together more often.” Garnet commented. 

“I’m sure we’ll find a way! Maybe a monthly BBQ in the summer?” Steven was quick to come up with the idea. He wanted to make sure that his family got together as often as possible, it was incredibly important to him that they spent time together. 

“As long as you’re cooking, I’m here for it!” Amethyst shovelled yet another hotdog in her mouth. 

“Speaking of cooking, I have something to announce...” Steven adjusted the crown on top of his head as he glanced around the circle of chairs. Each one contained someone he loved. 

Connie smiled. She had already heard the news and was beyond excited for Steven to share it with everyone. She was so proud of what he had achieved. 

There was a small silence as Steven built up the courage to speak about his achievement. 

“C’mon Schtu-ball, spill the beans!” Greg edged to the end of his seat, excited to hear the news. 

“So, as you’re all aware I’ve been taking culinary classes for quite a while now. I’m really enjoying it and well...I’m actually pretty good at it! So, I decided to apply for some jobs in the area. I went to an interview for a position as a commis chef at a fancy restaurant downtown, it’s someone who does a bit of everything, but is always learning from people on the job. They said that if I did want to start I could still do my classes alongside work so I can keep training.” Steven grinned as he spoke, he was incredibly excited.

“So, what did they say?” Pearl questioned. 

“They really liked me! I’m starting on Monday!” Steven lifted his arms up with joy, a toothy smile spread across his face. 

Everyone’s face immediately lit up with excitement. This was such an incredible achievement for Steven. 

“Steven! That’s amazing! My son - a chef!” Greg cheered.

“Steven, that’s fantastic!” Pearl clapped her hands together. 

“We’re so proud of you.” Garnet grinned.

“Chef Steven! Chef Steven! Chef Steven!” Amethyst chanted. 

Steven couldn’t stop himself from smiling. 

“I...thank you, guys. Really. For everything.” Steven sighed with a smile as Connie leant over and touched the top of his hand. 

“Don’t thank us, Steven. You did this all yourself and we’re so proud of you.” Pearl assured, she just wanted to tell Steven how proud she was. Over and over. 

“This time last year, I could have never imagined myself sitting right here. I was in a really bad place and I’m so glad I had you all to help me through it. I learnt a lot about myself when I drove across this country, a lot of the things I found I wasn’t exactly proud of. This past year has allowed me to grow and accept the past - no matter how bad it was. I was at a point in my life where I felt helpless and despite having so many places to turn - I made myself feel alone. It was the only way I felt I could deal with my issues. I didn’t want to burden anyone else with what I was feeling, I didn’t want everyone to worry any more than they already had been. I had to learn to love myself again. It wasn’t easy and I really struggled, but I think I’m in a place now to say that I feel happy. I can say that I’m happy and that I’m proud of who I am and where I came from. I know I haven’t exactly been the easiest person to deal with, but I wouldn’t be where I am now without each and every one of you. I want you all to know that I can’t begin to put into words how much I love you all. I...I love you.” Steven’s bottom lip trembled at the last line, his eyes beginning to water. 

Everyone sat in shock, their hearts warmed by Steven’s kind words. 

Garnet stood up and smiled before lifting her glasses and wiping away a single tear. She stepped towards Steven, Steven taking the gesture as his cue to stand up. Garnet placed her hands onto Steven’s shoulders. Steven looked up at her, allowing her kind eyes to meet his.

“Steven, we love you too.” Garnet sniffed before pulling Steven into a tight hug. 

Pearl, Amethyst, Greg and Connie all stood up and joined them, forming one big group hug. One that Steven really needed. One that they all needed after Steven’s such kind words. 

“I love you all so much...” Steven mumbled the repeated words into Garnet’s chest, getting crushed by the large hug. 

The rest of the evening was spent laughing around the firepit as they played board games and music together. Steven was so grateful for the family he had around him. He couldn’t have asked for anyone more weird and wonderful.

Steven had been through a lot, but there was still so much room for him to grow. He couldn’t wait to start his new job in the restaurant. A fresh start for him in a career that didn’t involve saving the universe. It was finally something that he had chosen for himself and not something that destiny had placed on his doorstep to spite him. 

Steven was making his own choices. Everything was how it should have been. Steven was twenty-two years old and more than ready to take on the world. 

He had high hopes for his future. Watching Connie graduate, becoming a chef, watching his dad start his own record label, asking Connie for her hand in marriage - successfully, helping the Gems in any future pursuits they desired, helping Connie set up her presidential campaign and paying his dad back for the house were just a few of the things he hoped to witness and achieve in the future. Steven had even had a few crazy thoughts about starting his own family with Connie - could there have even been kids in the future?

It had been a bumpy few years, but Steven had made it to the other side. It was incredibly tough, but he had been strong enough to fight through it - no matter how many times he felt like giving up. 

Steven had come to the realisation that he didn’t need to become human. 

He had always been part human. 

The best thing for him to do was to just keep being himself. 

Steven Universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to just take a moment to thank everyone for the support I've had through writing this. I wrote this during lockdown and it gave me...hope? It kept me waking up in the morning because I knew I had something to do and I was excited to keep writing it. I'd wake up knowing that I could refresh the page and see the new kudos' and comments. It really helped keep me going. 
> 
> The reason why this chapter took a little longer to come out was due to me being told I need to go back to work. Sorry if it reads as if it's a bit rushed, I redid this chapter several times. It's been tough being back at work, but it's all about making sure that we all keep safe. Look out for each other, we need it now more than ever. 
> 
> I sincerely hope that you've enjoyed reading Emotional Self-Control and in a way...perhaps felt connected to Steven's thoughts. I wrote his erratic thinking after my experience with intrusive thoughts. I hope that if you also feel this way that you can find happiness in the future. Never be afraid to speak up about your issues - you are important. You are loved. 
> 
> Stay safe everyone. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Expect an update soon! :) 
> 
> In the meantime, here's a Steven Universe inspired playlist that I made that I listened to whilst writing this story: 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2QPvbCqcihRyFv9VH1tgvm?si=22w99-W-SquoB0PPmRqS4A
> 
> Enjoy!


End file.
